notes from the girl next door

I think ...

2009-10-22T17:48:00.001-05:00

I think I shall start blogging again.

building up from a meltdown

2006-03-27T21:21:00.000-06:00

well i guess it was bound to happen sooner or later and it did ...
all the stresses from the crap in my life finally compounded into one huge snowball that turned into an avalanche i couldn't outrun. since i couldn't escape it, when it finally hit it was pretty bad but the damage was not catastrophic, it only took a few days to get myself back on track.

i needed to get my meds adjusted and get some good talk going to get my head back on straight.
i'm healthy now and strong, ready to go back into work, ready to walk back into the lion's den of life and face it head on.

you know what makes me laugh ...
i used to string myself out over senseless shit that didn't matter at all. for example, i used to let the empty promises of empty people a half a world away bother me. i would sit and obsess about every word, every lie, every good intention. well kids, the road to hell is paved with them, good intentions.

but i'm better now and stronger
and not living or dwelling in the past
and i forgive my trespassers and hope that my trespasses are forgiven.

right now though, i'm tired and it's time for bed ...
night kids... sweet dreams :)

spooky

2006-03-16T11:21:00.000-06:00

i'm watching this movie that i'm not sure i should be watching... it's called white noise. i'm so easily persuaded to believe in the paranormal that it's probably not a good idea. i guess it won't matter though since i'm going to bail on it anyway and head off to shower pretty soon.

things have been a little crazy or weird or out of whack the last 24 hours. the she dragon from hell has intruded into my quiet time and i wish i had a way to decimate her. but i don't. and it's okay really... i just keep thinking to myself that karma is a bitch and she will get hers sooner or later. i guess it's all mind over matter really. she doesn't bother me directly ... it's just the indirect affects that are creating the problem.

uh oh. this dude's dead wife is calling him from a cell phone she can't use from the grave.

i wonder if the dead could talk what would they say?

my dad has been gone 13 years this week. i wish he would say something to me right about now, because i really need to hear some good news.

headache rambling

2006-03-04T14:03:00.000-06:00

i've had the same headache since wednesday...
today it gave me the dry heaves while i was driving and i burned a hole in my boyfriend's sweater and that made me cry and that made my headache worse which made the dry heaves worse...

i need to get rid of this headache.
my mom wants me to go to the urgent care clinic but if i do that i have to ask someone to drive me there and i don't want to mess up anyone else's saturday. and i'd rather sit here and fucking die than to ask that fat motherfucker from hell to drive me. i guess maybe you can tell where some of my stress is coming from huh?

it's not just him.

it's a whole bunch of shit.
it's work and money and my sister and him.
and it's shit i can't even control.

and it's a mess in my head and it's a mess inside me.
the inside me part where it counts, the me that makes up the me.
i'm unsure and i'm unsettled and i'm uneasy.
once upon a time i was a diva goddess princess ...
and now i feel like the lowliest wench in the land.
i could sit and say i don't know what happened and pretend like i don't know ...
but i do know.

all those bad things that have been said just keep popping up in my head. i hear them all the time. it's a chorus of voices pointing out everything i've ever done wrong ever...

and then the doubt sets in ...

what if my whole existance is a fraud?

everybody thinks i'm this or that or something else

and here i am this horrible person

what happens then?

it's a cycle that never shuts down.
and i wonder why i have this headache.

but writing here has been a little cathartic ... and it has eased a little bit. i'm trying the tips i learned in pain management, that is just to relax, just relax. if your body is relaxed then the blood vessels in your head can do a better job, plus you spend a whole lot less time being tense which is bad for all the muscle groups in your body.

so i'm writing to relax.

maybe just to take my mind of everything i'll write about some nonsense...
how about my opinions ... in case anybody gives a shit...

a song i think you should hear .... autumn leaves by eva cassidy because it's beautiful and calming and she has a great voice ... it's a shame she died so young

a book i think you should read... memnoch the devil by anne rice you could read this even if you weren't an anne rice fan, it's just a different take on heaven and hell and religion... i thought it was good and it made me think

a comedy special i think you should see... eddie izzard dress to kill because it's the funniest thing i've ever seen in my life ... and eddie with eye make up is HOT

a romance i think you should see ... shakespeare in love because it's witty and romantic and calls for kleenex

a british comedy series i think you should try to get your hands on... absolutely fabulous because it's hysterical and it can make you feel like the mother of the year and sane

a sex toy i think you should try... any glass product because it's just that damn good

a sport i think you should try to get into... nascar because everybody needs speed and some of the drivers are hotties (in case you need the extra incentive to watch)

a spa product you should buy yourself heel of approval foot creme from bath and body werks because it's best stuff ever for dry, damaged, overworked feet

i think i could probably rest a little bit now after i finish this smoke. and i'm out of opinions about random stuff anyway. i have lots of other opinions about specific things though but getting my mind off those specific things is what is easing up this headache.

i just have to say it, i have to cut my sister off. i gave her a chance and she fucked it up and i can't afford to give her anymore chances. she is the one who lost her job and i can't support her trips to the bottom of a bottle. she needs to get herself clean and sober and she can't do that if i'm supporting her alcohol habit. so, i have to hold a hard line and my answer to her has to be no.

i'm not a pushover, but holding a hard line is a hard thing for me. it's not that i'm stupid, i guess it's that i'm emotional and caring... no wait... i am a fucking pushover. but i can't be anymore.

and has far as he goes... well that fat fuck better know now.... right fucking now that i'm done taking his shit laying down, i'm coming up fighting. fuck his snide little nasty comments, fuck his nasty remarks, fuck his downright pissy attitude and double fuck all the shit he does to make the kids feel sorry for him. i'm through.

and as far as the stress at work. well the can of worms has been opened on that one, now we just gotta see what happens. there's really nothing that can be done now except wait and see if the head worm gets away.

and money... well, to be reminded of what my daddy once said ... you can always make more money, and if money is all you have to worry about then you don't have anything to worry about. i think he was right.

it's all going to be okay.
and on that note, i think i'll go lay down and nap awhile.

the universe

2006-02-25T08:45:00.000-06:00

i'm listening to james blunt sing "beautiful" and enjoying my quiet saturday morning in my favorite alone way. it's not my very favorite way to enjoy a saturday morning. no. that is with him, waking up slowly, laughing and having coffee. The alone way is to have my coffee, listen to some favorite tunes and let my mind unroll and roll back in soft and slow. and that's where i am right now. of course, somewhere in the world it is 4:20 am.

it's a funny thing that no matter how far you distance yourself from the past, and no matter how many seasons go by, the past can always just set itself right there in the middle of the sidewalk like a package delivered by a time warped ups driver.

and it's equally ironic that sometimes your worst fears do come to pass and when they do you sit there and think, what did i rehearse to do when this happened? what was my plan? how could i have not been smart enough to make one? and a lot of times you don't have one because you thought that worst fear was sooooooo scary and outrageous it could never in a million years come to pass so you never acted when you should have.

there are so many asteroids loose in the universe just now.

sometimes i feel like i'm on the edge of impending doom.
i can't see it but i can feel it all around me and i know if i take one more step it will all fall apart or fall away. and it squeezes at me from all sides and the only thing i can do to keep things together is just to stand completely still. don't move, don't breathe, don't blink. it's just a big black space and from where my feet are i can't tell if the next step will just be into nowhere.

nobody would ever know really. i suppose not. i appear to keep moving with the flow of the universe. they can't see i'm at the edge of a black hole there. and i can feel them bump into me like a thousand shooting stars in the night with all their light and energy just shooting past me, and i get coated with their brilliance.

in my life i love him more

2006-02-08T21:15:00.000-06:00

i haven't written in a long time, mainly because i've been too busy to write.
being busy seems to be a virus i've caught like all the other bugs going thru the air, and i can't seem to shake it.

but sometimes... you just have to stop being busy for a while. and for a whole lot of different reasons, i've already started to stop.

it's kind of funny he doesn't like the beatles at all and i love them.
there are a few of those things that we don't agree on... to him i think an old movie means something from the 70's, where to me an old movie is a black and white classic from the 30's.
but you know, it's okay. because even if he doesn't like the beatles, or watch old movies, i still end up finding things from those things i love to relate to him, to send to him, to comfort him...
isn't it strange how we do that?

and tonight there is a song going through my head i can't shake, a lyric i can't get rid of...

"But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more" the Beatles "In My Life"

that line used to bug me "though i know i'll never lose affection for people and things that went before" ... because i thought that when you fall in love with someone that meant they couldn't still have a warm feeling for what had gone before, but now i realize how wholly unreasonable that is. of course a person will have feelings for what has gone before... how could we not when we are human? i'm happy with my attitude about this finally.

the other lines though ..."but of all these friends and lovers, there is no one compares to you ... in my life i love you more"

it is true,
no matter what has come or gone before,
in my life i do love him more.

my opinion on cheating and just rambling the hell on

2006-01-21T15:40:00.000-06:00

i'm sick and i'm supposed to be in bed but my mind is all crowded and troubled
and i don't want to call my boyfriend because he's napping i think because he has a sinus headache and i think he's crashed out ... i don't want to disturb him :(

plus i don't know how long i'm going to be motivated to stay up ... it could just be 15 minutes for me to ramble here and then i'll be ready to hit the hay ... you know how i am when i get all cluttered ... i need to write things down.

life is a pill lately. a bitter bad pill.
it's kinda like the gods are mad at me or something and then a little something good will happen and it will be "okay i just squeaked by that one"
it's kind of like living in a war zone with the shells just barely whizzing by your house
or like playing bumper cars and only getting nudged or getting missed completely

and the sad thing is ... i don't even know what it is or how to stop it.
events spin out of control. things i have absolutely no control over.
i keep telling myself the only thing i can control is my reaction to them.

this too shall pass. i'm certain of it.

when i feel like this... so overwhelmed and not feeling good (because i have strep too thank you)
i sometimes talk to myself like i'm the only one listening
and ... okay...
its super weird and i know it will end up getting me made fun of or committed
but i like to pretend i'm famous and i'm being interviewed
and my opinion on things is soooooooo important that people want to hear it
...
my god! they are on the edge of their seats to hear it!

(you know this all goes on in my head)

so i start asking myself these questions
"what is the most pressing problem facing our nation today, and why?"
"is it more important to orgasm first or for your partner to orgasm first? and why?"
stuff like that

and i answer myself
(yes this is still in my head; i only do it out loud in the car sometimes)

so the question i ask myself now is
"is it cheating to have an online relationship, even if it's never physical? and why?"

to answer this question properly, one must first define "cheating". yes if you engage in physical sexual relations of any kind with someone other than your significant other then, in my opinion, it is cheating. i think that's pretty much a given.

then there are other kinds of cheating.

you can also mentally cheat your partner when you give someone else space in your brain. if you are sitting around thinking about your on line lover all day then yes, you are cheating. because you are no longer thinking about that which you once held most sacred above all things, your love of that person.

and lastly, you can emotionally cheat your partner. quite simply, if someone else is on your mind all the time and you are chatting to them during the hours sometime, you have little time to fulfill the emotional needs of your partner.

i'm sure you have heard it before "no man can serve two masters and satisfy both"

it's not just about online romance

cheating is other things as well

if you work so much that you cannot emotionally, mentally or physically give to your partner, then you are cheating on them with your work
if you have an addiction that robs them of you ... you are cheating

and no, i don't live in a glass house
i would never throw stones, because i cheated
and i was cheated on in many different ways before
and i grew up with parents who were cheaters, my lord; my father was a serial cheater
perhaps that's why i'm so opinionated about the subject
(and this is where i smile at the interviewer)

i think everyone should have their own definition of what they believe cheating is, but the one sure thing i think you should do is lay out your terms before you jump into a lifelong relationship. don't marry someone who thinks cybering is okay if you think that even talking to a member of the opposite sex without your knowledge is a no-no. just lay it out in the beginning.

you know, before you are seriously involved with the psycho.
(mild laughter)

well i'm about tired now.
i'm chilled to the bone though.

something is bugging me and it's the fact that the kitchen is a mess.
it's the teenage child's responsibility to do this and she has not done it because she has the cramps (the never ending ailment of all teenage girls), and yet, she wants to go to a party til 1:30 a.m. hmm. not til her chores are done i'm afraid.

i think my boyfriend is right ... i am a milf.

Teenagers and rambling

2006-01-15T21:56:00.000-06:00

why are teenagers so difficult these days?

i know i sound like my parents, and their parents before them... but god in heaven, why oh why are they so difficult? one would think through better genetic engineering we should be able to produce a generation of teenagers without the typical teenage problems and woes, instead i'm afraid that our instant gratification society has produced a generation of hopelessly whiny, self absorbed brats. i should know, somehow i have produced two of them.

"spanking is bad, spanking is wrong. hitting your child only teaches them that it's okay to hit to solve problems"

i never should have bought into that crap. my parents spanked me at times and i didn't grow up resorting to violence and becoming some serial killer. and i was raised by a man who had been physically abused as a child, never once did he abuse me, the cycle was broken. so why did i buy that junk about not spanking? now i have a 13 year old who is taller than i am and is not phased at all by anything i do or say because other than a few swats in toddlerhood, she has never been spanked. i probably should have spanked her more. time out obviously had no effect at all. neither did grounding or taking her things away from her. now i am paying for my poor parenting decisions because i have a disrepectful child who spews the most hateful bile "i wish you were dead" "i hate you" "shut up ... you're stupid" "you bitch"

it's all verbal abuse. she didn't learn that in this house. she learned that at other houses and applies it here. and she has no way to channel her anger into anything productive. i think that serious counseling is in order.

she's so angry at the world she doesn't know what she's angry at. and unfortunately she takes it all out on me, i'm her target of choice. sometimes i think that time away from me would do her some good. maybe i should check into a summer camp building houses for the homeless? that's what she needs to do to teach her that her life isn't so bad.

why can't you be a prophet in your own land?
in my job i tell people how to fix these problems all the time. i fix these problems all the time.

in other news ...

it's a long weekend and i'm a little down in the mouth because i should be with my boyfriend this weekend for his birthday and i'm not. and that makes me really sad. i've been keeping busy. yesterday i tried to run away from it by being on the move all day. today i tried to busy myself out not to think about it. tomorrow will be a race. a race to get things done. i'll be on the move in the morning... i have to get up and get in the shower and get ready to go to the doctor. then i want to get my haircut. i need to come home and start baking some cookies for my sweet boyfriend and while those are baking i can do some work from work.

i'm sure i can get it all done. i am after all, superwoman.

i'm watching celebrity fit club and i have to say, kelly lebrock looks good with a big ass.
say what you will but i think big asses are sexy.
maybe because i have a little junk in the trunk?

that was totally off topic, i know.
but thinking about my boyfriend gets my that way.

he's been very good at being very bad lately.

he never fails to surprise me.
he surprised me at christmas with the most beautiful rubies and incredible mp3 player.
he surprised me new year's eve with the most sexy,daring, incredible night ever. it was one of those nights that i always imagined i might have. i did something i thought i might do someday but never really believed it would happen. you know that kind of thing? i danced with two sexy hot girls much younger than me in a bar and i loved it. and he loved it. he had every boyfriend's dream and i got to have a dream evening with him.

why can't i just be there tonight ?
why must airlines be so difficult about pricing their tickets?

oh well ... i'm rambling and i have to get up early tomorrow

night kids

happy days are getting longer week eve

in a writing mood

2006-01-14T11:03:00.000-06:00

your disappearing act
so hard to take
like a magician with a black hat
you just vanished behind the curtain
without a trace.
shame, disgust, guilt
this bad taste in my mouth
i can't seem to rinse away
it's your bitter goodbye.
non-existant commitments
"let's just keep it casual"
"i love you a little, i love you a lot"
saying what you needed
like some charmed spell
to get under my skin
one more time, one last time
one painful time for old time's sake
your little bag of tricks
never empty of your magic lies
leaving me wondering
how in the end i was fooled
by the man behind the curtain.

happy birthday dad

2006-01-13T23:29:00.000-06:00

i'm full of memories today. good and bad about my dad. it was his birthday today and i miss him. he was a far from perfect dad, and i had a far from perfect childhood, but i figure with the cards he had dealt to him, he did pretty damn good. that's the thing you know, to play the hand you are dealt, bet from there and see what happens. you know there are those people in the world that truly do have the deck stacked against them before they are even born. i think my dad was marked in this life, but his next life is gonna be great. i hope he's hanging out there waiting for my mom to show up.

i don't know if they were each other's great loves, i only know that she was separated from him at least 20 times and yet they always ended up together in the end. i know that he used to tell her that he'd rather she hate him with a passion than feel nothing for him at all. but that's the way they were. they were volatile but they loved each other and somehow whenever mom would pack up with us and leave... dad would always show up to take us back. i remember one time traveling 12 hours on a greyhound bus to grandma's house only to turn around 3 days later to drive 10 hours home in the station wagon. but that's just how they were.

what does a child learn about love living in a world like that ?
well you learn alot. you learn about compromise and you learn about give and take. and you learn how to kiss and make up. and you learn to pick your battles. and you learn that sometimes it's not worth arguing to be right, and sometimes it is.

now i know

2006-01-07T16:27:00.000-06:00

i need to be cleaning my room
and i am going to clean my room
i promise i am .....
right after i have this little time to clear my head and enjoy this fine mind break.

you know how i get these favorite songs and they kinda stick around for a while?
well it was these words by natasha bedingfield, because, well, i love the boy.
but now i'm really into blurry by puddle of mudd because, well, he loves me.

i wonder sometimes if anyone has ever been as neurotic or insane as i am or if i'm even insane at all? maybe i'm just a slow learner or something. i think this because i have these moments of clarity that just seem stupid after i think about them for awhile. like how could i have not known that all along ? or how am i just now realizing this? maybe it's just that it's just now happening for the first time?

i know that makes no sense. but it's just that i had this little epiphany over vacation that he thinks about me when he's sitting in traffic listening to the radio. i am on his mind. i don't know that i've ever been on anybody's mind from this far away, for this long, in the random hours. i think for the first time i feel like an object of affection, like someone who is loved. and it's a wonderful feeling and it's left me feeling a little insane that i didn't really notice before now that he's as wrapped up in me as i am in him.

a woman knows.

well i was never one of those women who knew obviously. i never knew when a man really loved me or i wouldn't have fucked myself twice before being married to the wrong ones. but all of a sudden, it's brilliant and i know. i know now deeeeeeeeee deeeeeeeee deeeeeeeee. sheeeesh.. i get it now.

well i'm going to go do the thing on my list now and work for exactly one hour and 12 minutes.

peaceful new year !

the eve of Christmas

2005-12-24T08:26:00.000-06:00

it is the eve of Christmas.
and if you believe, it is the day of the birth of Christ. and if you believe it is the day that Santa will start his trek from the north pole to deliver presents to all the good boys and good girls.

i believe.

i believe in the power of Christmas.

i believe that Christmas makes people a little kinder, makes us all a little more caring.
i believe that Christmas makes us all think a little bit more about our neighbor and a little bit less about ourselves.
i believe that Christmas makes even the most skeptical of adults wide eyed with wonder.

it isn't so difficult if you really try.

this morning i emailed my favorite story of Christmas to my best friends, and i hope that when they read it they will feel a little bit of what i feel this Christmas eve morning.

Merry Christmas to all !

all the sugar in the world

2005-12-22T21:18:00.000-06:00

isn't it amazing how just a few well placed words from the right man at the right time can change your perspective on things?

i've never particularly considered myself high maintenance, but i'm telling you kids, there are times when i can be a pill. i get all whiny and needy and cranky and i need to be told things. it's stuff i know, but it's stuff i want to hear anyway. and i want to hear it without having to ask to hear it and i want to hear it more than occasionally.

i think i became addicted to it when i was a kid.
praise. praise for being a good girl, for getting good grades, for doing the right thing all the time. but when i was a kid there was one thing missing from all the praise. it seems when i recall the things that were said to me then nobody ever focused on me being pretty or cute or whatever the word of the day for that phenomena was.

it's all pretty easy to understand actually.
my brother was the athletic one. my sister was the pretty one. i was the smart one.
and now what is it all about? it's all about feeling that thing i never felt when i was a kid, that i am the pretty one.

i know it's a pain in the ass that i need to be told that from time to time.
but dammit, i am a woman with my own set of issues and it's important to me that i hear every once in a while how lovely i am, how sweet i am, how good i smell, how soft i am.

it's gotta be hard for the boyfriend. how can he say those things when he can't even see me every single day? but i think that he can go back and draw from his memory banks and come up with a time i was as beautiful as i want him to tell me i am.

maybe i have a huge issue with this.

i don't need him to tell me to validate it or validate me...

i just want all the sugar in the world dammit !

snowy days again

2005-12-17T09:20:00.000-06:00

Christmas times a'comin ! and it's snowing again! let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
but alas, i don't think any time off from work will come from this little snowfall, it appears it will be more of a nuisance than a blessed vacation. ah well, it's okay.

it seems that once again the weathermen have missed the boat on the forecast for winter. they predicted that we would only get 15'4 inches of total snowfall for the ENTIRE winter, and so far we have had 10 plus what will fall today into tomorrow, which should be another 4 inches or so. with that being 14 inches, i guess we are already near the target amount and the official winter solstice hasn't even arrived.

i have been Christmas shopping and i am excited and happy! everyone should be so happy opening their presents this year ! i still have a few gifts left to buy for a few people. i have no idea what to get for these last remaining people, that's what is making their shopping so difficult. i guess i'll figure it out. i have decided to stay away from gift cards and cash because i'm committed to having presents to open this year for everyone.

so our Christmas tradition is changing this year. normally we have a huge Christmas breakfast out somewhere then we come here and open all the gifts and then eat dinner at 12 noon. but with everyone having their own in law obligations and what not, "we" decided to have our gathering on Christmas eve. i'm not sure how i feel about that. it breaks up our tradition of having Christmas morning all together, but i know that it needs to be that way because everyone has their own obligations ...

ah well........... my boy is here!!!!!! so peace

post note yayyyyyyyyyy it's a beautiful day !!!!!!!!

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

2005-12-09T08:08:00.000-06:00

december came in with a big rush of snow. i'm not sure if it's mother nature's attempt to put everyone in the christmas spirit or if it is karma offering me a little vacation that i so desperately need. everyone has snow days or occurence days, so we have been housebound, these two children and i.

there is nearly a foot of the powdery, white stuff outside right now and all that can be seen of the dog when he goes out into it is his little black tail above the white. he comes in all covered in powder and immediately runs to my bed to try to warm up. i have tried to circumvent this by closing the door but he just bursts through anyway and jumps into the bed and so the bed is now as cold and wet as he is.

yesterday we used our snow day to clean the house. and ohhhhhhhhhh the drama that ensued! i am officially the worst mother ever for making them do chores on a snow day! i swear they fussed and complained for 4 hours over a chore that took maybe an hour at the most. it would have been so much easier i think to do it myself. the 11 year old looked at me at one point in the afternoon and said "if we are spoiled and lazy how can it be our fault if you raised us this way?"
i guess it makes sense. i suppose i have been a bad mom to have done so much for them and now that they are of a responsible age it must seem pretty unreasonable for me to ask them to actually contribute to household chores. but they must learn that if they are going to be part of a house and a family that they have to pitch in and help. it's not all about doing the fun stuff, it's about doing the work too. i won't accept their excuses and the guilt trips they try to put on me, they are old enough to accept some responsibility for chores.

so since yesterday was a day of forced servitude, i guess today will be a day of just kicking back. maybe we will make chocolate chip cookies or just hang out and watch movies. i have some work i brought home to do because i had a feeling i would be trapped here in the snow. i'd like to get my own sanctuary organized and cleaned up too.... oh that would be nice to do as well. maybe, maybe... i think it will all depend on how i feel.

peace everyone :)

a mother's love

2005-12-02T06:25:00.000-06:00

the nature of a mother's love is the desire to carry the pain of her children and bear their sorrow so that they never feel the loss or sadness of the world. sometimes though, it is impossible to carry their sadness as your own. this week the children suffered a loss that i could not carry for them, no matter how i may want to, or how i may try. they have to learn about the reality of the loss of life in their world and the meaning of grief. their natural father was killed monday night and they are dealing with the trauma of losing him and losing him suddenly, without any warning at all.

they are gone this week with their natural mother to the funeral, a place where i am not welcome to be. his family despised me. they hate me for doing the things that he did not do, for giving these children a good life. they hate me because he hated me and spoke ill of me because i cared for them and loved them and gave them a decent and good home, a home away from alcohol and abuse, a home away from madness. his sudden and tragic passing has made him a saint now and everyone knows what happens when you speak badly of an icon.

it has bothered me more than just a little that i have had no tears to shed for this man. i have none to shed. he was an evil and bad man. he beat women, he played horrible mind games with two innocent children, he used them as pawns for his own gain and he never worked an honest day in his life. he was not a person i could find it in my heart to cry over.

but i have cried for my children, for their loss, that they have had to suffer the pain of sadness that comes from losing someone. no matter what he did, no matter the evil that he produced, he was still their "father" and that biology is something they held in their brains and they could not get over.

i need to pray for strength now. i need to ask for guidance and i need to ask for wisdom. i need to ask for self control. there will be times that i will need to nearly bite my tongue in half to keep from speaking the truth about this man they will make a saint. i need to remind myself that they will find out in time and that they are entitled to whatever memories they have, despite what i know to be fact. they will need love and hugs and understanding and patience. they will need a safe place to have their time of grief and mourning and anger at his passing.

and i, i have to find it within myself to forget and forgive the dead.

to live with less ...

2005-11-20T14:02:00.000-06:00

my head is full
but don't judge me
don't you dare judge me til you've had to do the things i've had to do
or lived inside my head a week or two...

i'm doing a clean sweep today
it's time to give up the old me
nobody quite understands and they think it's funny
but i have it down and i know what i'm doing
before you begin anew you must part with the old.

if this is the story of my life then i will rewrite it the way i want to
i have that power

so i'm giving up the handbags and gladrags
why not?
it's merely the shell of the ghost
why not set it free?
it feels good to be rid of these things i do not need

to live with more sometimes
you have to start by living with less.

strange days are these

2005-11-12T01:13:00.000-06:00

strange, strange days are these.
i find myself in the midst of fall in every sense, with all the stresses of the world being my own autumn leaves. and this midwest season has been rarer than most, mild and warm, convertible weather in november. yet in this last week, the first frost left me bitterly cold and defenseless.

i'm managing through it though.
just like the the trees don't die in the fall and winter, neither will i. i'm going to use this time to get good and healthy and strong.

i decided on my christmas tree tonight. it's going to be bloooooooo. heh.

i remember one christmas with a group of really good friends i used to work with and hang with, one of the guys had a *blooooooooooo* tree. of course, it came out *blooooooooooooooo* because he was completely wasted at the time he was describing said tree.

but i found the decorations and i'm getting all the snowmen out.
the children want the singing frogs and i know i will have to get them out too.
i never realized at the time that all the things i put out when they were babies would come back to be the traditions they demanded as teenagers.

last year with all the strife here i didn't put up a tree and the year before i only had a small one. they want and deserve to have a happy holiday. a christmas house, just the way they had when they were little. they deserve christmas shopping and starbucks hot chocolate and ice skating. they need to be taught how to make candy and cookies and how to wrap presents properly. i want to give them all they should have this year.

and they will have it.

i bought my first christmas present today. and it made me so happy.
it was for my boy, my boyfriend
he's going to love it.
i'm getting very excited about christmas.

i'm getting very excited about alot of things
and i have a huge list of to do that i need to deal with tomorrow
and i will ... tomorrow.

but for now i will sleep because that is what i need most

crabby crab

2005-11-05T09:33:00.000-06:00

grrrrrrrrr
grrrrrrrrr
grrrrrrrr

and good morning

i woke up in a cranky, angry mood this morning and i don't know why. well, i know part of the reason i guess. i stumbled out of the bedroom and into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and the entire house is trashed, simply trashed, and my dryer is broken. and i seem to have raised the two laziest children on the face of the planet.

i need to make really good use of my time today and do some major housework and cleaning and get some things done around here that really need to be done. i need to get the laundry room cleaned out enough that the dryer repair man actually has enough room to work on the dryer if he needs to. and i should go ahead and unpack and move the rest of the boxes and get things settled in there and pictures rehung and make it look like people live here again.

i also need to go to the bank and go get the oil changed in my car and at some point go to the laundrymat.

but i don't know if i dare go out.

if i go out then i may just run the streets and spend money that should be spent on other things and that wouldn't be wise to do. and i'm not so sure i have the willpower to not spend it on things that are bad.

this would be such a great day for me to have a keeper :(

sometimes in my manic state i so desperately need a keeper. i need someone to keep me from doing those self destructive things i'm going to regret later and feel bad about later. i need someone today to go with me to the store and the bank and put back the stuff i don't need and make me only get the things i really need. i need someone to take my keys away and tell me i don't need to go out roaming the streets looking for trouble... i need someone to stay here and make me do my chores.

i'm not 5
i just don't have any self control when i get this way.

and it's not an issue of knowing right from wrong or wanting to be good or not ...
it's something i can't control
it's this feeling once i get out there that i'm invincible and that nothing bad could possibly happen to me if i get off task ...
until later when i start coming down from the manic part and then i figure out what i've done.

i think that is the crabby mood setting in
the restless mood
the mood of knowing that i just want to be shed of this skin and this place

well my boy is here now
maybe i shall talk to him and he will make this all better
sometimes he does you know
peace

worry and distraction

2005-11-02T23:47:00.000-06:00

i hate myself sometimes when i get like this
when i think too much and i just need to go to sleep.
i hate when i overanalyze the smallest things and make myself crazy so that i am worrying and obsessing over the most minute of details.
and what i really hate is when i spend time worrying over something that is nothing, something that is made up and all in my head. i let that stuff destroy me sometimes.

i need to just go to sleep.
i need to get sleepy and go to sleep.

and i need to not worry.

i wish my doctor hadn't cancelled his appointment today on me.
i really needed that appointment. i need to talk to him about this increasing problem i'm having with worry creeping in on my life.

okay enough.
i'm just shutting it down and going to bed or it's going to go on all night.

the beatles at 13

2005-11-02T00:28:00.000-06:00

just in case anyone ever wanted to know ...
my favorite beatles song is "i've just seen a face"
there are others i love...
"blackbird", "paperback writer", "the long and winding road"

i'm really too young to be a 'back in the day' beatles fan, but something happened way back when to make me one. john lennon was assassinated when i was 13. so at 13, in 1980, i discovered the beatles, like a million 13 year old girls before, the only difference was the catalyst.

i have beautiful volumes of expensive coffee table memorabilia books packed away in airtight containers downstairs, gifts from someone of very long ago. gifts from my birthday at 13. i seem to remember everything about the year of 13.

it was at 13 i first developed the tendencies of a stalker.

i had this mad crush on this man that worked with my parents at the bakery. we spent all the long hot nights of 13 working together in the bakery that summer. he was 26, and i was desperately in love with him and convinced that our life long relationship could work despite a 13 year age difference. i mean, afterall, when i was 26 he would be 39... and that would be okay, wouldn't it ? i think i even asked him that on the night that he broke my 13 year old heart. he was a good guy, a nice decent guy, a good catholic boy who had turned away from the seminary in his last year. and he was wildly handsome and so smart and funny that in my 13 year old brain he became the ideal of romantic and courtly love. so he did the right thing, and told my parents about my crush and let me down easy, and it was all supposed to be a 1950's tv show ending ...

but instead...

i was obsessed by him even after
and i was still madly in love with him and convinced that he would someday regret his decision to cast me aside because i was so young, that someday he would regret the loss of a love so pure and good. and so i did what any budding stalker does... i called him every year on his birthday, to tell him happy birthday, and to remind him that i loved him and that he had thrown away a love so pure and true. this went on for 4 years.

i even went to see him one last time, at his very own bakery where he had set up shop. i was out on a date with this guy i had been seeing and we decided to go in. i guess it was my final way to either say good bye to it or to rub his nose in the fact that he couldn't have me (in my own warped and twisted way)

so i guess i have been a stalker.
though i was an innocent teenage one.

it's a story i've never written down or admitted to anyone. i'm not necessarily proud of it, but i'm not necessarily ashamed of it either. i did what i did. i had my first real crush and got my heart broken for the first real time. and in the process i guess i went a little crazy. i probably should have known then that something in my head wasn't quite right but then again, living with my family in the life i led, how could anybody tell?

but what started all this was my favorite beatles song ...
and i how discovered the beatles...
it was because of him. he's the one who taught me that summer who the beatles were and got me started on the road to discovering their music. all those late nights into the dawn that we worked together the oldies station would play their songs and i would listen over and over and over again to the lyrics. people wonder where i get my knowledge of oldies music ... now they know.

and it's funny too, i don't think of him when i hear the beatles...
instead when i hear "i've just seen a face" i close my eyes and i don't see a thing but the music ... and all i feel is happy inside.

happy halloween !

2005-10-31T08:09:00.000-06:00

happy halloween everybody!

ahhh another of my favorite holidays... any holiday where candy is involved is, of course, on the most favored holidays list.

the clocks fell back an hour this weekend and messed up my body clock. last night my body felt like it should be an hour later than it really was, but still, i could not get to sleep. i ended up being up wide eyed til about 11, which was really midnight. at least that's what i kept telling myself. then this morning i woke up before the alarm even went off, i guess my body had enough sleep, even though i don't hardly see how 6 and a half hours is nearly enough sleep. and i woke up feeling pretty good actually, with the exception of a minor stitch in my side.

i've been taking this super strong time released sudafed because i think a large part of the headaches i've been having are due to sinus related issues. they must be since that part of my face feels swollen and sore to the touch. but i think the sudafed is interfering with my bipolar drugs and is making me either borderline manic or very very hyper. it's not bad though. it's not a bad kind of reaction like the claritin the doctor prescribed... it's just a lot of energy to deal with all at once. and really, to be honest, right now i could use a little bit of extra energy. after all, who couldn't once in a while?

at work today we are supposed to wear "fall festival colors"... because everybody wants to be politically correct and we can't say "Halloween colors" so in protest i've decided that my fall festival colors will be all black. i'm just a little sick of all this politically correct bullshit. since when did Halloween become fall festival? Halloween is just what it is. it's Halloween dammit! it's the day that people get to put on goofy or scary costumes and little kids get to trick or treat and get sick on chocolate after they trudge out into a wet, damp, october night to collect all their loot. you can't collect candy at "fall festival" dammit! i want to take the politically correct bulletin we got announcing fall festival and tell whoever wrote it to shove it.

happy hallow's eve everybody !

just do it

2005-10-27T23:50:00.000-05:00

today was my no good, terrible, horrible, very bad day.
the stress at work got to me so badly that i melted down and just had to leave around noon.
but you know .. what is done is done and now i'm going to move ahead and not let the forces of doom and gloom get me down.

i have to move on and i will.

there are two choice in this life
take the high road
or
get in the mud with the pigs and wrestle

and i'm on the high road.

that's it
that's what i need to tell myself in order to feel confident... and really, even if that is what i need to do to feel superior. because if i feel inferior then i will let them beat me... and really that's not going to happen. it's not a possibility.

i'm really tired no and i'm going to bed
peace

sundry sunday commentary

2005-10-16T10:55:00.000-05:00

various and sundry commentary on events in the news and other places:

1. last nights race in charlotte: mmmmm k, so the track in charlotte is fucked up. was this maybe done on purpose so that both times this year they could fix it so jimmie fucking johnson could win? jfj wins 4th consecutive race at lowe's ... jimmie's house indeed. it's time to call the big bad wolf in to blow his house down.

2. on saddam hussein's legal rights. i'm sick to fucking death of hearing about his legal rights. why do we have to be so civilized with the rest of the world? and why does it have to be such a complex process? i don't think the trials at nuremburg had this much red tape and all the criminals were punished accordingly. i really don't give two shits about saddam's civil rights... did anyone care about the civil and legal rights of all the people he tortured and killed ... NO. sometimes it just kills me that we are forced to be so humane and that we have to live to the highest standard of the law just because we are who we are.

3. baseball playoffs... not a huge fan so ... who cares? other than for historical value i'd like to see the white sox take the whole thing.

4. an inmate in the missouri prison system continues to fight back and forth with the state over her right to have an abortion. the big hold up? the state would have to pay to transport the inmate to the abortion clinic and would have to pay for her security while she was there having the procedure done. the bottom line is that the state doesn't want to use public money to fund an abortion. they have been to court now 3 times over this, the final judge's ruling says that the woman does have a right to the abortion and that the state has no legal right to stop the woman from obtaining the abortion, meaning that by refusing transport to the clinic they would be denying her the right to choose. OKAY ! here's the deal with this ... the state would pay far less money if they would just let the woman have the abortion, if they let her carry this pregnancy to term the pregnancy in question cost the taxpayer in terms of prenatal care and costs of delivery. i'm not pro abortion, i'm not anti abortion, but the argument about whether or not to do this is ludicrous, especially if they are arguing over the money. that's a pretty fucking lame argument because one way or another the state is going to pay... why not just argue it under what they are really arguing about ... ? i know, i know ... the argument is over using STATE funds to pay for an abortion and they don't wanna piss off the righteous right in the state.

okay enough bitching for sunday !

peace out

half without blues

2005-10-15T04:27:00.000-05:00

it's chilly here... and 2 am
and the moon is nearly full.

i'm sitting here with the window open and the cool night air is just rushing in. i'm cold enough to get up and put on some polar fleece, but i don't want to close the window. the house is aching for fresh air and admittedly, so am i. i want to feel cool crisp fall air on my face when i sleep.

i had the blues today, this afternoon was especially bad. it seemed as the hours came closer to the time to get off work ... all i wanted in the world was for it to be last friday. all i wanted was to know that i had the most wonderful thing in the world to look forward to... picking him up at the airport. that's what i wanted to look forward to, but instead i knew that when 4:00 came, that wasn't coming with it, and i was incredibly sad. it was heartbreaking in a way.

i guess i'm a dork in some sappy way. i don't care though. its the way i feel. i feel only half without myself today.

fall friday

2005-10-14T08:42:00.000-05:00

it has become friday again, all on its own. that's what time does. it just happens.
i'm grateful for time actually. i want the holidays to come. not that i'm ready for them by any means, not that i will be ready for them. i will still be as broke as ever and unprepared, but at least it will be more time off work that i can spend with the sweet boyfriend.

work is work and nothing changes there. i can get through it if i just compartmentalize all the stress and do my thing, which i seem to be doing with the help of my sweet boyfriend and all his pep talks. he keeps me so level sometimes, it's amazing.

fall is here at last. i'm so so happy. i love this cool, crisp weather. its sweater weather !
i may spend this weekend washing the sweaters and airing them out, putting away all the summer capris that are no longer to be worn without a citation from the fashion police. that means i have to find all my long britches (ha... britches) and get them ready too. i love this change in seasons. i think i love fall the best of all.

okay i'm rambling on now and work is calling...
i'd love to have a day off all to myself to do nothing, but it's not to be
peace

simple things

2005-10-01T11:26:00.000-05:00

it occurs to me that when i kept a journal where i wrote strictly about one subject i was much more witty and fun. i sort of miss my secret sex journal. i may have to revisit that soon and try to write there occasionally because the people in that small community of readers gave me many a laugh and many a stroke (no pun intended). i don't write there anymore simply because i don't have time to.

time is the squasher of most of my fun filled plans lately. i'm finding now that the pinball machine is loaded up with quarters again, that i don't have time for much that has to do with me at all. this is bad, bad, bad indeed! and i think at some point along the line, it really must stop. i've come to the conclusion that the only person that can really stop it is me. and so beginning today i am going to start using the word "no", simply "no". i cannot continue to do things for other people that drain away my time and keep me from doing the things i need to do for myself. i never knew that i'd have such a problem saying the one word my mother tried to teach me from birth ... no.

on the soon to be ex front, there is little news other than the fact that he is purposely trying to worry me with his histrionics and hysterics. it took him all this time to find a decent job and now that he's found one it is beginning to look like he's using his benefits trying to find a way to get out of work. so help me, i swear, if he pulls a stunt like coming up with some ailment that keeps him from working i may have to personally disable him. every other day i get a new email detailing his visit to some new doctor and telling me all that they have found wrong with him. my sweet boyfriend tells me not to worry, that he is simply fishing for my sympathy and trying to ruin whatever bliss i have. my mom is telling me that he is simply being dramatic and now that he has insurance he has resumed his role as the perpetual hypochondriac. i know that they are both right, but DAMN does he have to worry me with his doomsday scenarios all the time? right now i need him to keep working so that he can keep helping me pay bills. and let me be clear, this injury he has is real, it's just that it's something he has lived with for a while now and unless he wants to have a complicated neck surgery, he's just going to have to learn to deal with it. when he went to the neurosurgeon, before the separation, he had no interest in surgery because the risks involved were too great. now suddenly he's talking about it. i think it really is a plot to play on my sympathy. despite whatever may come from this, i do know one thing for sure... he is not going to move back in here.

i have established a pretty peaceful habitat for myself here. there is not a constant source of stress when i come home from work that keeps me shut up in the sanctuary like a prisoner, and quite frankly, i will NEVER again live like a prisoner. i have tasted freedom and i don't want to ever go back to a time where i have to live like a shut-in again.

he continues to ask my mother and the children if there is someone else. he will not ask me the question because i think he is afraid to find out the answer to his question. i will tell him that yes, there is someone else, and yes, he does make me happy, and yes, i do intend to spend the rest of my days with him.

oh and ... speaking of the rest of my days...
i know what i want.
yes, i know... it's incredible for me to know exactly what i want ... but i do !
when i get married again i want my engagement ring to be from circa 1930 ... i want an engagement ring that looks similar to the one my grandmother had.
you know ... she had a very simple ring, and a very simple marriage and it lasted until the day my grandfather died and well beyond, she never married again, never dated again, never so much as looked at another man. once some old coot chased her around her dining room table and we gave her a hard time about it and her answer to all of us was "why on earth would i want hamburger when all those years i had prime rib?" i have to admit that there is sense in that and i agreed with her.

so i have decided, i don't need a huge honkin piece of bling like i had with my last marriage.
instead i want this time what i want.
i want a little piece of good karma on my finger. i want a little stamp from the past to remind me of the good old days. i want a ring that when i fidget with (because that's what i do) it reminds me of a love that was so strong that it withstood a world war and the raising of four children and a host of other ups and downs along the way and still ended strong and true.
that is what i want.

and you know what?
i think i have found the boy that will understand that and give it to me.

and i think that would make my grandma very happy indeed.

not so fucked

2005-09-27T23:01:00.000-05:00

so things are things.

there are so many very stressful things going on in my little world right now, but hey i'm hanging in. and i just keep smiling and laughing about it when i can, because you know, that's all i can do sometimes. i've had a headache for about 10 days running save for a blessed sunday reprieve.

i am trying to compartmentalize it, because if for one moment i allow one to carry into the other, then i would have total chaos in my life. i have to leave the work at work and the home at home. it's amazing really that nobody at work has a clue about what goes on once i leave there. one person whom i trust has a slight inkling but she really has no deep down idea.

sometimes i think nobody really has a deep down idea.

i can look at my life and say "hey, that's fucked up there" or think that really, it's not so fucked up after all. but mostly i look around and think i have it better than a lot of people. i have this one part of my life that is so completely happy and wonderful. i'm so emotionally fulfilled, i'm so secure in what i have. i don't need to question the foundation or the reality of my relationship or the depth of the emotion involved... i know what it is. and when i think of all i have ... then it's really not so very fucked up... it's not anything i can't get through.

that's what love does to us ... it makes us feel like there's nothing we can't get through.

that well

2005-09-22T21:08:00.000-05:00

why does diet coke with lime make me yearn for tequila?

sometimes i think i have some weird syndrome that just causes bits and pieces of memory of puke to surge forth at the most inappropriate times. i don't know what that is. maybe it's this disease and maybe it's something else. i'm not a person who lives in the past, and i'm not a person who clings to it. well, i really don't think i am. but there are just days when i feel like i need to purge myself of the overflow of some deep well where i've stored all the time, people and places that have ever hurt me. and sometimes it just happens that one drop added is too many and the well overflows.

i don't know what it is, or even how to explain it. sometimes it makes me feel better and sometimes it makes me feel worse.

there are things i'm angry with myself about right now. like some shit i can't let go of and i don't fucking get why. i'm intelligent and capable, why can't i just let the well dry up?

i can't.
so instead in my head i have little tirades where i say all these mean and horrible things
god i feel like i'm hearing voices now, but it's the same old voices
it's not like that at all

but right now hootie is on
and all i can think about is the last time i fucked him to this song and how much i want to fuck him right now ...

and yeah i used the f word in my blog
blow me
how's that for tourrette's?

it's so far in my head
i finally get it... is this the karma you had in mind? that i would finally realize that i only felt how i made others feel? that the time so precious to me was so precious to someone else and i didn't get how i controlled the clock? is this the lesson i'm supposed to learn? i guess i get it. so is this the punishment, being so fucking annoyed now and so fucking bothered and unable to say it? and are you telling me that i unknowingly shared that personal heaven and hell? i guess i can get it.

funny thing about me though
i'm so much like my dad in believin in karma
but so much like my mother ...
i'm such a spiteful bitch

right now

2005-09-20T00:20:00.000-05:00

most in the world, i want ... to see his face.

is this what manic feels like?

2005-09-17T01:36:00.000-05:00

it's nearly 11:30 and i should be tired. i should be sleepy, i really should. and i could be very easily, i know i could if i would only take my medicine and go to bed.

but i'm feeling the lurch.
it happens you know ... where i know i'm headed into that manic energy period.

and all the conditions are right for an episode.
i've had at least one, if not more, major stressful events every single day this week.
and when i say major ... i'm talking emotionally crippling major for most people.
and i keep going on.
like some energizer bunny with a battery pack ...
and now i have all this excess energy
and it's the uphill climb of the rollercoaster.

i dunno. what does anybody but me know about it anyway?
phsyically i'm tired and my muscles and bones say "sleep, sleep", but my mind won't stop, it says "go, just move, do something, go, go, go !" and it's just there, racing all the time.
and i don't get aware that i'm talking too fast or that nobody can keep up with my thoughts but me.

i never want to go back to being strapped in constantly on that ride.
i just need to get off now before we get to the top.
i have an appointment tomorrow that i hope will help with all that.

maybe, just maybe?
i've got the worries of my soul
i'd love to let them pour out ...

i was going to stay up late and try to get a bunch of work done and tend to the building manic energy, but i think writing did the trick ....

i may have some peace tonight

friday attitude

2005-09-16T08:23:00.000-05:00

it's friday at last ... and i'm glad for it.

i feel bleh today, like my attitude is "whatever", not necessarily a good attitude to have.
i guess i need to find a way to kill it.
if i don't get rid of it then it has the power to make me seem uncaring about a lot of things i really do care about.
so i guess i'll get ready for work and get myself out the door and find a way to care about stuff today.

head fuzzies

2005-09-14T08:31:00.000-05:00

it's morning... again
but the problem is, it's only wednesday morning and i thought it was thursday.
i woke up sooooo happy thinking it was thursday.
i'm waiting for thursday dammit !
my prickish dictator (read as boss) will be gone thursday and friday which means no headaches for me, and so i woke up in a euphoric state all prepared for thursday.

oh well, only 8 hours to go :)
i'm going to kill wednesday off so thursday can get here sooner!

blessing and prayer

2005-09-13T01:02:00.000-05:00

may you be granted a life of abundance...

give us these things we need
maybe not so much these things we wish for ...
overlook the frivolous, overlook the selfish nature
but the things we need that will make wrong things right
give us these things we need.

loverly blues

2005-09-09T21:09:00.000-05:00

it's hard to understand sometimes what happens in my head to make the blues click in, but tonight they seem here to stay.

it's the restless kind of blues too.
the kind where i want to do something, can't do what i want, and won't do what i can do (mostly because it's all stuff that would turn out to be bad for me), and i don't know what the fuck i want to do. at least i'm smart enough to know what's bad for me when i'm this way. the good doctor would say that's a step in the right direction and i'm at least maintaining some control. control in this situation is good. and yet, it makes me miserable.

i wish i debra was still my friend.
but you know, fairweather friends aren't really. it's just that tonight i wouldn't mind her calling me up to go to that club downtown to just get lost in a good band and enough alcohol to forget my own name.

you could hide beside me maybe for a while and i won't tell your name ....Name... goo goo dolls

i guess that's kinda how i feel tonight. i really don't want anyone to know my name. there's a certain freedom in nobody knowing your name. you can be whatever you want, or nothing at all. right now i feel like being nothing at all.

maybe it's because life is too demanding right now?

maybe it's because i have a case of lover's blues?
a week ago tonight i was with him. it's not fair and it won't be til it is. and i can't change it and i hate it that i can't... that only fate and time can. and you can't rush either one.

so i guess right now i'm going to call him on the phone and watch the race ...
because it's the next best thing to what i REALLY want to do ...

peace

a happy place

2005-09-06T23:35:00.000-05:00

my brain is at a crossroads.
i can continue to let the things that are driving me insane drive me insane, or i can focus on those things which make me happy.

and before i go any further, i know that my blog seems pretty selfish considering what is going on in the southeast right now with all that is left from katrina, but i have reached that place in my brain where i just can't take anymore of it in. and i know that i have the easy way out, that i can just turn it off because i'm not living it.

but right now in my head, in my life ...
i have just reached that point where i need to let go of those things that are making me cry daily. i need to let go of all the work stress. i need to get straight in my head that my boss's reactions to his own inadequacies are just that and don't reflect on me ... i need to let it go.

the boy helped me a long way with this
we stayed up til 4:30 in the morning talking about it. he's so patient and kind and he listens to me so well. i miss him more than anybody could imagine.

i could throw a little temper tantrum if i wanted to because i can't be with him tonight or every other night ...
but just think how lucky we are

we have each other
that's so much more than most people have

my hips are sore
in just three days he wore me out
i'm so looking forward to a lifetime of that

i think i just found my happy place
peace

halcyon days

2005-09-04T18:35:00.000-05:00

halcyon days
these are the days i love you
endless days
of kiss hushed whispers
sunshine filtering through the blinds
on your skin so fair and fine
these are the days ...
these are the days you love me
endless moments
and the changing looks upon your face
words on your lips
and the meaning is for me alone
these are the days...
we live for alone
halcyon days.

ode
through the complications
motivations
extrications
here we are
come this far ...
don't you know
how i feel by now?
i love you
i could sit for hours
keyboard right here
journal and pen in hand
the stars could be my chalkboard
and what would i say?
something so simple
those words you already know
i love you.

gardener of dreams
moment by moment
hour by hour
i've secreted them away
those little dreams
and only he knows them each and every one.
pieces of my soul tucked into my sock drawer
little scraps of paper peppered with the wishes
of what i want to be
forgetting all that once was.
there is no future in the past
and no past in the future
there is no love that can last
if we let goodbye go on forever...
all my little dreams
my little girl wishes, big girl needs
he knows the difference
and if they were all flowers
he'd be the gardener of all my dreams.

sometimes it hits me all at once how incredibly lucky i am to be loved by this man. and i don't know what i ever did on this earth to deserve this incredible good fortune. not that it was easy to get here... not that it was easy to get to where we are and not that the road ahead isn't still a long one. but we are where we are, despite the world at large.

sometimes and i don't even understand why, my eyes fill up with tears with the emotion of all of it. and it's an emotion i don't even know how to explain. it's joy and it's happiness and it's a whole bunch of other things, it's the deep feeling of knowing that now that i've lived with him, i would never want to live without him.

all in.
it's just all in.
peace.

i love you i love you i love you

2005-08-28T11:14:00.000-05:00

i was attacked by wild yellow jackets yesterday when i mowed over their nest! OUCH !

so while i sit here all swollen with beautiful angelina jolie lips ... i'm sending out this song to the boy i love for sitting up with me til 3 in the morning ... because he loves me and he sits up late with me just to make sure i can still breathe through swollen lips.

These words are my own, from my heart flow,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
There's no other way to better say I love you, I love you..... (from Natasha Bedingfield, these words are mine)

all about me

2005-08-27T14:55:00.000-05:00

i'm taking a break from cleaning ...
it's 12:39 on a fine and lovely saturday in my town and i'm cooped up here doing all those stupid tasks that should be done by a merry maid and not by me.

i wish i had a wife... like june cleaver.

a wife would solve all my problems...
she could clean for me, and cook for me, and wash my clothes and iron them for me.
i don't think i would need her to talk to me though.
i would just want her to do stuff.
yep, i need a 50's kind of wife.

it's only in fairy tales though.
my father's mother wasn't that wife and neither was my mother's mother.
i've never met any wife or mother like that.
it's only some television dream.

why do they lie to the average mortal woman?
why do they insist on telling us we can have it all ... and now they seem to have added more.
i'm not getting it.
when am i supposed to have time to have it all?
work takes work time
kids take most of the other time
and then the house takes the rest
and sometimes i get to sleep.

i dunno but i thought some happy, joy joy *me allllll me* time was supposed to happen in there sometime.

i used to know this guy and the only decent thing about him was that he constantly said to me "it's all about you (insert baby or honey or something of the like here)" that was the only decent thing about him ... but it's too bad he didn't mean it. he would say it but then it would always end up being all about him anyway. i guess in retrospect it really wasn't decent if he didn't mean it.

i'm glad that's not the case anymore.
i guess in this life i'm living now i can make it all about me ...
when i find the time sometime

friday at last !

2005-08-26T08:06:00.000-05:00

it's friday and i can't even begin to tell you how happy i am that it's friday.
friday means the start of two whole days without having to go to the den of the devil.
friday means i get to spend some times with my boy and my friends.

i have been a horrible friend lately.
not on purpose either. i have a friend who called me on sunday and i have been meaning to call her back all week and i still haven't done it. it's not been on purpose but it's been because i've been so busy and so drained when i get home that i just can't even be coherent enough to talk. either that or work follows me right through the door and i don't have any time before i go to bed to make any personal calls. last night i spent about an hour doing some work things, making calls and sending emails to take care of an urgent situation, all from home. and it wasn't something i could "put off", it is a necessary evil of my job sometimes.

i have too many excuses... i have just been a bad friend.

i'm going to do better this weekend and make myself do better in the future.
otherwise i'm just going to beat up on myself for being a slacker.

and sad news this morning...
my very favorite dillards store in the world is closing. *sobs*
it was the best store because it was in a teeny tiny mall and it meant no crowds, no traffic, no hassles. oh well, i guess this means i will spend less money because if i have to be hassled with all that now i know i will shop a whole lot less.

peace

seems like a mighty long time ...

2005-08-23T23:36:00.000-05:00

it's been awhile.
that reminds me of that staind song i love so much... the one with the best lyric ever written in a rock song.

it's been awhile for so many things ...

it's been awhile since my lover has touched my skin with his hands, his lips, the beard on his chin. it's been a while since i've seen the color of his eyes up close, the jewel blue that they are when they shine on me. and it's been awhile since i've tasted his scent ... his smell so real i can feel it on my tastebuds, so close to me that my mouth waters.

i think about that song for a while and sink lower in my chair and i can close my eyes and hear an old barbara lewis song "hello stranger" ... the "shoo bop shoo bop my baby , oooh seems like a might long time, shoo bop shoo bop my baby, it seems like a might long time.. " someday i'd like to go to a recording studio and do a cover of that song and "baby i'm yours" ... just ... that i would.

and it seems like a mighty long time ...
since i haven't been consumed with work and all the stress that it entails. and it's doing bad things to my body. and i haven't been so good to my body either. i think i entered the mode of fight or flight and i never left. i don't know how to deal. i don't know what to do. i think i seriously need therapy. i think maybe i need to see the doctor. the doctor was very good for me before. he helped me figure out a way to forgive some things in myself when i didn't think i could. i didn't become selfish instead i became healed. my most excellent boyfriend has been my faithful therapist for so long. and so have my friends in so many ways. but i think as i sit here just now, this big epiphany... i need to see this doctor and treat it like anything else i would with my illness. if i see that all this stress is taking a very physical and mental toll, then i need to get some kind of treatment for it before anything does happen that will increase the liklihood of having a very real episode. and all the conditions are right for one. life changing stressful events coupled with very real daily stress that is much too complicated for anyone with a "normal" life to comprehend.

i don't even know what normal is... except for anyone but me.
this is normal. craziness and chaos is normal. it is my existance, it has been for all of my life. i know this and i have come to accept it. my normal would be a crisis someone else's everyday life. just like a homeless person's normal would be craziness for me.
normal is what normal is.
but i know all this stress isn't normal.
it isn't normal to be so stressed my body freaks out 8 days before it's supposed to.
it isn't normal to feel like this, tense all the time, rarely able to let something go.

and the reason i have to be urgent about this ... is that this is only the beginning of hell.
this isn't even the first ring... i have yet to enter the gates. i have much too far to go.

i was trying to get sleepy without taking a sleeping pill

it may have worked

tangents ... and soon

2005-08-20T00:30:00.000-05:00

in a little while i will be disconnected from the internet
*gasp*
it's okay ... it's only going to be for a little while, they are coming to do the cable tomorrow...
so i will be faster, stronger, more powerful than before.
why do i sound like the 6 million dollar man?

this has been a hard week, in so many ways, it's just been wrong.
work has drained me, physically, emotionally, and mentally. i'm having a problem understanding idiocy. i think people who are non idiots generally have that problem. we can't understand and we find it difficult to function... and my problem is i get frustrated, angry and then i lose it, followed by a period of feeling blue because i can't beat the idiot.

i swear all of america must follow the peter principle.

and you know i've found after having 2 successful professional careers and a host of other jobs that every job has a certain degree of bullshit, you just have to figure out what degree you can tolerate. i think i've reached bullshit saturation level.

by the way,
do you think i'm mentally ill because of the amount of peroxide that was poured into my ears as a child ? my mother cleaned our ears like people clean their dogs' ears. we would lay down with our head in her lap on a folded up towel and she would put drops of hydrogen peroxide in our ears and let it bubble up all the wax and gunk. it was strange. like having alka seltzer in your ear. then she would clean it with a q-tip (which stands for "quality" tip, by the way) and she would have us flip over and do the other ear. so i wonder how much of that peroxide got into my brain. but it doesn't matter now i guess since they use it to purify our drinking water.

why am i off like this?

oh yeah
i want my boy.
i want him now.
i need to see him and take care of him and love him all up.
and i need the same.

mutual footrubs are in order here.
soon dammit.

undone

2005-08-13T01:18:00.000-05:00

the most important task left undone
ripped me raw and left me spent,
tears rolling down my cheeks
as the visions of hours passed in happiness
that would never happen
my thoughtlessness
undone
and all that remained were my tears
scorching my cheeks hot
to remind me of all
that would never happen,
my failures not forgotten
i was undone

baby, baby, baby
it's so urgent
i need you now
come, come please
baby, baby, baby
all those feelings
we cannot say
that yearning unnamed,
indescribable
baby, baby, baby
i feel you, you feel me
no need suppressed
tied under, pinned down
head over heels
baby, baby, baby.

i'm at the end of a very rough week.
at the end of an extremely long day.
i had to get my stuff ready today ... my deadline. they kicked me out at 7:30. monday is showtime. there is no time left. i am proud of what i have done. it is exceedingly good work. possibly the best i have ever done. the most colorful, the most creative and the most focused on the goal. but only one piece of it was completely finished. i need to do more... and i want to do it right this time and not like i have in years past. starting off slightly scattered, askew and disorganized.

but doing what i did left me drained and exhausted and emotionally on edge.
and i didn't do something that was very important and it made me sad.

but the boy helped me through it
god i love him

that the night come

2005-08-10T00:06:00.000-05:00

i had so much to write about i guess..
but i don't know.
it's all escaping me now.

my head hurts from life.
life happens.
i don't know who came up with that but it's true.
it just happens, whether you want it to or not, it does. tomorrow will come, the sun will rise, i will have to go to work, a place i used to love. i don't love it right now. right now i can't feel any joy there. i feel like the life is being sucked out of me. and i know who the demon is, i just have to think of a way to banish him, or completely ignore him.

it's just this week.
i have to get past this week and i'll be okay.

i know what i need to do.
i've been such a slacker.
i haven't done anything for work, not a thing. *major sigh*

i know what i need to do.
i need to just say that i will stay on thursday and friday night til about 7 each night so that i'm completely ready ... that's what i need to do.

i can't believe it's the first day of work and i already feel like this.

oh and i still don't know what i'm wearing tomorrow.

pennies and words for my soul today provided by william butler yeats... that the night come

She lived in storm and strife,
Her soul had such desire
For what proud death may bring
That it could not endure
The common good of life,
But lived as 'twere a king
That packed his marriage day
With banneret and pennon,
Trumpet and kettledrum,
And the outrageous cannon,
To bundle time away
That the night come.

dreams, nightmares and waking hours ...

2005-08-08T11:42:00.000-05:00

dreams are funny things. i know that they are just random firings ... supposedly.
at least that's how one person used to try to soothe away my bad dreams, by telling me they didn't mean anything. it didn't really work. instead, i need to be reasoned with like a child and told that what i have dreamt cannot possibly exist or come true and i need to be given a list of rational reasons why so that i can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the nightmare was just that, a nightmare. i need it to be a nightmare because if it isn't that, then it becomes a possibility.

everytime i have a huge event in my life it comes out in my dream state. i'm sure that's true for most people. i'm sure i'm not alone. my dreams reveal either my darkest fears or my deepest wishes, the ones only i know and want.

when i was 16 and my grandfather died, i had the same kind of dream every night for weeks and months. i dreamt that he was just *away*. he was just away somewhere or hiding somewhere in the house and he would come out and say *ha, look at me, i'm still here* and the world was happy again. some of those dreams were so real that i would jump out of my bed in the morning and run to look in the closet downstairs, throw open the pocket doors and walk inside, because i knew, i just knew he was in there. and the reason he hid from us? it was all quite logical, he didn't want us to see him being sick, so he hid himself til he was well, then he came back out again. i don't remember exactly when i quit having those dreams, but eventually they stopped and were replaced by dreams of a 16 year old girl.

when i separated from my first husband i had to get a restraining order because he was the violent type. after i left him i had nightmares every night that he found me and killed me. it was nearly always the same. he followed me from whereever i was and as i was unloading groceries or getting inside the house from my car, he killed me very cleanly, killing me like a sniper would with a single bullet to the head. i had those dreams for years, up until very recently. and i was convinced for years that this was exactly how i would die, being shot in the head while unloading groceries in my own driveway.

now i'm having nightmares about this current soon to be ex and this situation. it's not so much the ex that is out to do me harm in these nightmares, but his family. oh his family... they hate me so much. saturday night it was his father ruining my beautiful walls with mud from his garden, and then last night it was a dream about my former favorite brother in law locking me up in an apartment with a plan to keep me there, a prisoner, until i died. i was saved though because i was resourceful enough to escape, but still the dream was horrible because someone wanted to do me harm.

i think that's where nightmares come from ... i know that someone is out there wishing me harm and my mind takes that feeling of hate and manifests it into my sleep state. it's certainly not because i hate them or think about them. i don't think about his family at all unless someone or something brings them up. but i do know that they despise me and think i'm satan.

and dreams, oh dreams...
every night my boy wishes me sweet dreams, or erotic dreams, dreams that will make me happy when i wake up, dreams that will wake me with a smile upon my face. and i want to have those dreams, and even if i fall asleep thinking good thoughts of us, here lately it never seems to carry through because the nightmare monsters are far to fierce.

but you know, i am lucky
i have a boyfriend who knows just how to soothe me when i have these dreams
he knows that when they come i turn into a little girl clutching her teddy bear as she stumbles around with sleepy eyes ... and he works them all out for me. and because of that, i am never too scared to close my eyes when i lay my head down at night.

peace kids ... i have to start the day.

2:38am

2005-08-08T04:31:00.000-05:00

it is 2:28 in the morning
and i cannot sleep just yet

i have tried.
since 10 pm i have:

done two loads of wash
scrubbed and mopped the kitchen floor
cleaned the counters and did the dishes
scrubbed the toilest and bathroom sink
packed up all the stuff i need to take back to work tomorrow
cleaned the laundry room
put things away where they needed to be
organized my tool box

and i had a longgg conversation with my mother about wheat we can with my bitch sister. i know i'm on the right track with this

okay body is saying sleep now ...

so night, lights out

bad moon rising ... mind games and bastards

2005-08-07T10:59:00.000-05:00

i had another nightmare last night.
i seem to be having them regularly these days.

last night i had this dream that i went away on a conference and i came back home only to find that the exhusband and somehow let himself into the house and he and his father (who despises me, by the way) had taken mud and dirt and water and soaked my pristine, freshly repaired and painted walls.

when i walked through the door and saw them i just sobbed.

there was mud on the floor a quarter inch thick where they had just let it run down the walls and pool at the baseboards and the whole room was ruined. and for the rest of my dream all i could do was weep and say "why did he do that? why would he be so mean and do that?"

and then i wake up this morning to find an email in my in box from his fathers email address, but supposedly written by him about the bills he is willing to help me pay ... the grand total he is willing to contribute to household expenses ... $35 a month.

i'm going to try to talk nicely to him today ...
if he cannot be reasoned with then on monday i will call attorney and set in motion the steps to file for divorce... as of august 13th the necessary waiting days will be over and we will see just how much the courts say he has to pay. because $35 a month is bullshit.

it's 8:49 in the morning and already i'm all in knots over his antics.

i'm not playing any games with him at this point. he can put his money where his mouth is voluntarily or i will pull it out of his tight ass the legal way. i don't care. my survival comes first now.

i'm sick and fucking tired of being miss nicey nice.
and kids, let me tell you, at this point, i really don't need or care for his bullshit. he's 54 years old and he needs to quit letting daddy call the shots. maybe he can just borrow the money he owes me for these bills from his rich daddy and we'll call it goodbye? i don't care and i won't care... but one way or another i intend to collect that motherfucking money. i have paid every bill for nearly 3 years while he's been out of work in one way or another and i've had enough... he's a grown man and it's time he learned, if you play you pay. if he could be generous enough to pay his last wife spousal support to help with a kid that wasn't even his, then by gawd he can help me pay for the bills that ARE his.

and as for the email i got from his daddy's address supposedly written by him ....
i'm not in the mood for mind games and i won't be played ...
if he wants to toy with me, he picked the wrong fucking chick to toy with.
i'm not a toy, i'm a woman and a smart, resourceful one at that.
i'm not even going to play the game, i'm going to let my lawyer play with him, afterall, that's why i pay him the big bucks.

peace kids.

and i love him

2005-08-06T02:17:00.000-05:00

my boy did incredible things today for me and my girls.
he is my suphero...
and i love him.

bitch list 101

2005-08-05T08:34:00.000-05:00

it's early and i am cranky ...
so here's my bitch list before i start the day ...
think of it as my purging exercise

mother nature is a cunt and i wish menopause would kill that whore soon because i loathe and despise her.
my sister is a bitch who refuses to listen to anyone that makes any sense
i work for a narcissistic prick who thinks that only his time is of value, so i didn't get paid for any of my own time at work this week because he chose to spend our site money on other things
my own procrastination has pissed me off because i'm disgusted with the amount of things i still have to do to be ready for next week
i desperately need a little me time to get some personal things done and there isn't any in the schedule

well okay, i guess that's the end of the list because i'm out of time and i'm out of things to bitch about. i must say i feel better. maybe i'll actually make it through the day without chewing someone's head off like a praying mantis does after they mate. i can't promise anything though.

working girl blues

2005-08-03T08:24:00.000-05:00

*bleh* as my good friend julia says.

it's 6:07 am and i have been up exactly 30 minutes and that's exactly how i feel *bleh*

this getting up early at 5:30 to report to work at 7:30 stinks.
i am soooooo not used to this.
so i've been taking my nightly meds at 8:30 so that i can try to get somewhat in the mode for sleep by a reasonable hour and still manage to get up when the alarm clock goes off without the hangover caused by the combination of a few of my meds. it seems to be working, except for this morning, because i am completely and totally exhausted. maybe it's because it's wednesday and this is the 3rd day of getting up at 5:30?

so i know people are probably reading this and thinking ... it takes you 2 hours to get ready for work???? no .. it takes me about 40 minutes and that includes showering. but it takes me a good hour to wake up enough to get into the shower. i have to have time to sit in the morning and have my coffee and just open my eyes enough to think.

and my slackerhood is coming back to bite me in the ass...
i have known all summer what the date was for me to go back to school and yet i have pushed all these phone calls and things i have to make to the very last day. and so this week i have been coming home at 3 and getting on the phone to make appts and handle things that i could have handled last week or the week before that... but i contend that there was no possible way that i could have stopped in the middle of my home improvements to take care of such mundane business. so from about 3 until 7 or 8 this place has been grand central in the evenings with phone calls and people in and out of the house doing this or that thing. suddenly everybody wants something from me and they are all things that i have to do or promised i would do at some point over the summer.

the bottom line is ... this going back to work business has left very little time in my schedule for me or those things that i enjoy.

there is hope though....
friday i get off work at 1 and on monday i'm off all day ....
work starts back up again in earnest next tuesday so i have a little long weekend reprieve which i will so desperately need to get my shit together.

well my time is up. (and by the way it's a bitter pill that my time isn't my own anymore)

onward with the day ...
peace kids

yippee fuckin yay

2005-07-30T03:46:00.000-05:00

it's sunday already.
it's my last day of vacation ... yippee fuckin yay.

i have been scrubbing and cleaning floors and moving furniture for about 8 hours straight now. i have mopped everything with tsp, then murphy's oil soap, then applied minwax for hardwoods. they may be old floors, but they are clean.

i still have the hallway to do yet. but i can do that in the morning.
it already is morning and i have to sleep yet.

then get up early and do a million things i didn't get done today.

i still have to get myself ready for work ...
including finding the paperwork i need for this damn class.

i need a soft day today.
i need a day that goes soft and easy.
i need a day of peace

but i have to deal with the soon to be ex today
and my sister today
and the family at large today
and that's just so fucked.

why am i the solver of problems?
next time i'm born again, i'm going to be born the slacker child.

those hgtv bitches

2005-07-28T12:00:00.000-05:00

i did not get up early with the sun because i can not move !
i am tired, more like exhausted, but i can't give up now... there's only the hallway and the tiny dining room and the floors left.

*sighhhhhhhhhhh*

one more day of hard labor.
and then i can start on the fun stuff like picking out curtains and putting things away where they belong.

oh and i have a question

how come those bitches on hgtv and all those design shows can paint those rooms and do all that work in full makeup and styled hair and never end up looking like i do at the end of the day, sweaty, dirty and flat wore out?

personally, i don't think they really do all the work. FAKERS !

peace kids !

fruition

2005-07-28T01:03:00.000-05:00

it has been a most excellent day.
a most tiring day, a most exhausting day, but a very rewarding and fulfilling day just the same.

the living room got painted in its entirety and the "new" furniture was picked up.

i am exhausted but i am well pleased. i still have things to do in the living room, obviously. i need to do the windows and the baseboards. the floor. i need to do the decorating. i'll be doing the decorating part and the windows, baseboards, because sadly it's going to be a while before i can afford new floors. maybe i can afford to do that next spring break.

but still, i am pleased.

look, it won't be perfect and when people walk in and look down they will say "ick" compared to the rest of the house, but that's what a work in progress is like. the floors will come. i want to sing "if i had a million dollars" because that is my song right now. the baby child and i sang it as a duet most of the day because we both know we could finish this project if we had a million dollars. rome wasn't built in a day, and i will be happy with what i have because there are people who have less. i have had less. in my childhood i grew up with less many times, but i was happy.

happy is what you make it, it's what you want it to be, it's what you see.

this furniture i got is probably the age of my children combined, but it's in incredibly great shape. it's unbelievably preserved. so yeah, i know, it's not the style or the fashion. but it's what i have, and it's great.

i have this huge chair that folds out to a twin bed now and it's that gold velveteen upholstery. i call it my pimp chair. it's my "whole lotta puddin" chair.

then i have this couch with a very neutral beige and brown pattern with butterflies and flowers, kinda like you would expect your grandma's gynecologist to have in his waiting room. but i adore it because it's really long and it's going to be a great couch for taking naps on.

the most modern piece of furniture is actually a really nice wingback recliner in a nice pattern. it's mom's chair. she wanted one for her room anyway. it's the same chair she wanted, just of a different upholstery than she may have chosen.

and you know, there are always slipcovers, and a million other things i can do if i'm so inclined.

but right now i'm just happy that i can go to my freshly painted living room and sit in a chair and put my feet up and just enjoy being in my own house again, all on my own.

yawwwwwwwn

2005-07-27T09:58:00.000-05:00

well again, i am rising almost as early as the sun, and all on my own without the help of an alarm clock.

it's a beautiful, crisp morning here. it is a sunny, breezy 58 degrees outside and i have my window open letting the fresh air blow inside. i love weather where you can have the windows open. it makes everything better. i love fresh air versus air conditioning, and if i could live somewhere cool enough year round to live without fake air conditioned air it would be so much the better. so i'm going to keep the windows open for as long as mom can stand without getting hot and let the cool air just blow in.

i have to make a morning trip to lowes.
the little diva goddess princesses are helping me finish the living room today, which means that they will be helping me paint. so i am going to have to go and get more roller handles and one more paint tray to eliminate the fighting that will come because i only have the one. i intend to do the cutting in and then let them roll out the walls. i'm not sure what it will come out looking like, but i did promise them that they could help and i'm not about to back out on that promise. they've been looking forward to it all week, especially the baby. she is an artiste, with the heart of an artiste and she has a vision for this wall of apricot.

so yeah, the living room.
and i am getting my "new" furniture this evening. i say "new" because it's only "new" to me. it's coming not from a store, but instead from the basement of a really good friend of mine. a single lady who is in her late 50's. she has never had kids, or pets, so i'm sure the furniture is in great shape and just not in style any longer, which is more than fine. i can slipcover it if i want to. the point is i'm not having to buy new, which i can't really afford right now anyway.

it's kind of funny, really. my life in this house seems to have come full circle. when we first moved in here, (we, being the first husband and myself), we didn't have money for brand new furniture and so we took whatever was given to us by way of family and friends. and now i am right back where i started, taking whatever is given to me by family and friends. it doesn't bother me to be starting over again, because at least whatever i do here now is mine, and mine alone. i can look at it at the end of the day and know that i did the work on it and i'm the one who put the labor into making it what it is.

just for the record, i hate painting ceilings and the tops of the walls. why, oh why, did i have to be born with the short gene in my family? i have a brother who is 6'4" and a sister who is 5'9" or so, and yet here i am 5'4" and losing valuable inches every day.

okay i've rambled enough.
i have to get the walls and ceiling in that room done.
i have to get the floors completely clean today and ready.
i have to get that room ready for furniture that's coming tonight. and finally, finally, i will be able to sit in my living room and look around and know that i have accomplished something real and lasting.

the bible is scary dude ...

2005-07-26T15:56:00.000-05:00

my mom cracks me up sometimes.
just now she she told me "the bible scares the hell out of me, did you know what a violent book that is?"
ummm, yeah mom, i did.
it seems mom has been watching this show on cable called "mysteries of the bible" and the more she watches the more she is convinced that the bible is full of violence. today the topic is satan and hell and the concept of purgatory. so while taking a break from painting i flipped it on just in time to find out that as someone who has participated in illicit sex dante would put me in the second ring of hell. i'm so glad to know where i'm going to end up. *laughs hysterically*

purgatory didn't come around til the middle ages when the catholic church and the monarchies needed money to finance holy wars. pretty simple, eh? just buy your way in. no need to have your soul saved, just save your money and give it to the church instead.

the protestants are outraged with the concept of purgatory. of course they say all suffering for sin ended with jesus on the cross. so purgatory needn't exist at all.

and of the 6 billion people in the world, this program says 1 billion of them (mostly in china and russia) have no religious conviction whatsoever. they have no belief in the afterlife, there is no religion.

just an observation really, if you are willing to believe in heaven and hell, then you should be willing to believe in witches and ghosts and zombies, because how do you know they don't exist either? i'm just sayin...

i love my mom, i'm so glad she provided me with just the laugh i needed this afternoon.

now back to your regularly scheduled program ... or painting in my case :)

if i were a painter ...

2005-07-26T09:50:00.000-05:00

nora jones has this song from her first album... the painter song, if you've never heard it before, it's worth a listen. that song is going through my head this morning because today is the day i begin painting in earnest.

it's actually really early here 7:38. i woke up all on my own at 6:50 and rolled out of bed ready to start this day with a goal in mind. i need to get a lot of painting done today, at least the priming so i can start with the real paint tomorrow, because tomorrow afternoon the furniture is coming.

i'm excited to be so close to finishing this project, i really, really am.

i won't by any means be 100% finished, there will still be floors to do and windows to paint, but the main thing that i wanted accomplished will be done and when it finally is i will breathe a huge sigh of relief.

at some point today i need to sit down and pay bills and attempt to call the cable company again to come and do my hook up so that i can get rid of this dsl that i hate so much. between the idiot router and the idiot dsl box i am having a hard time with staying connected lately, hopefully the cable connection and the installation of the new router will help all that.

the oldest child was upset with me last night, but i am going to let her be upset. she called close to 9 pm wanting me to bring her the cell phone charger because her cell was on half a battery and she still had calls to make. okay, she's 13, she's not making life or death phone calls here. and i was already in my pjs and i had already had a long day and so i had no qualms about telling her the answer was no. she was rather peeved and i'm sure she will attempt to punish me today with attitude out the ying. but i am prepared to deal with it. i am determined not to take the bait to argue with the child today, i have far too many things to do to fall into that trap.

it may actually rain here today ! it is in the forecast and that should really cool things down for us if it happens. i am sooooooo ready for cool weather. hell, anything that is under 90 degrees at this point would be considered a break in the heat. we've been under a heat advisory for well over a week now and it sucks. they are actually saying that the overnight low for tonight will be 59 degrees.... my heart just skipped a beat... that's actually fall weather. i would love to be able to sleep with my window open tonight and let the cool air blow in and air out the house.

well good people... i have priming and painting to get busy on, which means i have to go out and do recon and make a list of where to start and what to do next. i need to gather all the furniture together and lay my supplies out. and (this is the part that makes all my friends and the boyfriend happy) i am going to eat some breakfast! painting is hungry work so i am thinking sustenance is definitely in order.

have a great day peoples!

busy and hot monday

2005-07-25T12:44:00.000-05:00

the time is now 10:28 and so far i have been to the store and mowed the front and back yards.
now that may not seem like a huge deal, but it's a short acre with a push mower and the current temperature outside is 88 degrees and the heat index is a muggy 92. i have sweat from every pore in my body i think.

there is nothing more uncomfortable than sweat. sweat in my eyes makes me crazy and i hate the taste of sweat and grass mixed together, but the good news is that i got it done before it hit the projected 100 degrees for today and i got it done before the rain (thank the goddess for the rain!) hits tomorrow. if i had let it go with getting that good rainfall and then waiting til it dried out then i'm sure it would have been impossible to mow without choking up the mower every 5 feet.

you know, its sometimes mind boggling for me to think of where i am now compared to where i once was. i have never been a "hands on outdoors" girl. even when i was a kid and my siblings were outside playing, i was in my room with my books and my notebooks and pens and pencils making up some make believe place where i was something more than ordinary. and because of never having an interest in learning how to make things, or do things, or learn how things work mechanically, i am now 38 and just learning. and that is okay, because i am at least willing to try to learn and not sit here and whine that i can't get things done.

it saddens me that my summer is winding down. this is the last week of my lovely vacation. and it was lovely, despite the turmoil. huge change happened, some of it good and some not so good, but all in perspective and all in good time, it has been a summer that i needed to happen. i needed these events to take place in my life so that i can achieve all that i want to with the rest of my life.

i had a plan for this morning, to wash the walls and prep them for paint and then mow the yard, but as with all best laid plans, they went awry because something from the outside world interferred. but that's okay. i have learned that if nothing else, if nothing else, i am resilient and i can adjust to change.

and i found the perfect little wallhanging to hang right by my front door... it seems to fit right now...

"so this isn't home sweet home... adjust"

i can't wait til the walls are all done to put it up!

peace kids... i have to go shower and get dirty with the walls now!

the lady calls time out

2005-07-25T00:12:00.000-05:00

i took a rest today, from work, from overanalyzing (well, i wish that were 100% true), but from the kind of overanalyzing that makes my brain hurt. i ran around and got my errands done, i got milk in the house, finally. i got things we needed from the store. i watched the race. and my wonderful boyfriend actually called me, at my number, on my phone, which may not seem like much, but considering where we've been, it's huge.

i've been off my topaxmax for two days now. this is very bad because it is the one that prevents the rapid cycling and mood swings in my head. but, good news, i have it now and i took it tonight and i should be better tomorrow. 2 days is enough to affect me but not enough to whack it out of my bloodstream completely i don't think.

i know the lack of it, hormones and sheer exhaustion have caused a lot of grief for me the past two days. i can't communicate effectively. anything and everything i've tried to say ended out fucked up for a while it seemed. i would be up one minute and then i would be crying the next over little things that don't amount to anything at all.

it's easy to get paranoid in my situation and i feel like i'm toeing the line a bit in regard to a couple of things. the paranoia creeps in and tells me that i'm overburdening already taxed people i love with my histrionics. i need to just let shit go. but the problem is, in my brain it's nearly impossible sometimes to just let stuff go until it is resolved and tucked away. that has made me horrible company for the people i love these past few days.

you know though, no matter how wonky i get, i'm still pretty fucking amazing. 99% of the people with what i have would have been hospitalized by now if they had to deal with the stress i've had to deal with since the 6th of june. my doctor told me that. he's impressed with my strength.

tonight i couldn't help it though, i wasn't so strong. i cried on the phone when i talked to my boyfriend because i got overwhelmed when i was talking about all this work i've been doing and how fucked up the finances are based on what the soon to be ex did. sometimes i do get overwhelmed by it all. and i'm trying, i really really am trying not to lay all that on my boy and all my friends. and then i get paranoid that i'm just a whiny baby and i feel like checking out for a while until i feel like people aren't so sick of me. but that is just what the things in my head want me to do because checking out would only lead to bitter self examination and the accompanying depression ... i never intend to be in that cycle again.

so it's hard right now. it's hard to feel like everything you say or do is the wrong thing, and it's hard to feel so needy about that because i can't rely on anyone to fill that need but me. so this week it's going to be all about feeling that need, and i can promise you that next sunday night when i'm getting ready to go back to work after this momentous break, i will be doing so from my newly renovated living room. and no, it won't be perfect, but it will be what i want and what i need and i'll be happy with that. because after all, i'm not aiming for perfection for anybody else, i only have myself to please and from where i've been to where i will be, i will be mighty pleased if i get there.

and as for getting so far inside my head that i can't crawl out... i'm going to be way to busy for that this week. so i'm banishing all those stupid demons for a little while, just until i can feel strong enough to say, i did it and i can beat you... bring a lunch and stay all day.

peace kids... i'm crashed.

too early, too late

2005-07-23T09:48:00.000-05:00

i posted yesterday, but fuckwit blogger ate my entry. so no dice on what i posted kids, and i can't repeat myself, because i probably don't remember what i was on about anyway other than trying to get the house done.

the house... 70% of the carpet is ripped up and the rest will get done today, then the floors will be cleaned and i can start prepping the walls, the home project is going well. i took my handy dandy list to sears and the man in the paint department helped me out.

it's early here, 7:40, i woke up at 6:51.
i'm so sore and stiff i can hardly move, and the only evidence i have that i slept last night is a handful of weird dreams that i'd just as soon forget.

you know the best thing about me?
right now i'd say it's that i have a short shelf life...
and i can't be taken in large doses.

too bad i don't come with a warning label on my forehead, i probably could have saved a bunch of people a bunch of time along the way of my life.

10 minutes to tell it ...

2005-07-21T12:35:00.000-05:00

i am up ! and awake !

and i have given myself 10 minutes to write unhindered and unencumbered by anything other than words... so here goes...

friends don't let friends make stupid mistakes, and yet they do anyway...so does this mean our friends just don't listen to us? yes, of course it does. men especially do not listen! look, if i come right out and tell you that the girl you want to hook up with is a whore that doesn't make me a jealous bitch, it just means that i care enough about you that i don't want you to be hurt later. for god's sake, don't take it as an overture to get in your pants... think with the big head god gave you for once already.

and women, my god, women, women, do not wear blinders all the damn time. if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and shits a mess like a duck, it's probably a lame fucking duck in a man suit. get over it already!

and one more thing about women right now since i'm on the subject, listen up, you do not need a man to do things in this world! yes, i love my boyfriend, i adore him, and yes, many, many, many things i feel that i could not do without him, but, they are because of the moral and emotional support he lends me. he isn't the one here moving boxes or packing up the house... i am doing that all on my own. and i will be the one ripping up carpet on my own. so while i need him emotionally and spiritually, i still know that if push came to shove, i can do it by myself. and the bottom line is ... a woman has to know that she can.

i don't think the boy would mind me writing that a woman has to know that she can stand alone... he wants me to be able to stand alone. and you know what? it might be a good thing that i am standing alone right now, because as much as he wants to come in and do things for me, and as much as i want him to sometimes, i need this time to say "look what i did all by myself" i need that feeling of self assurance, of independence, of knowing that i'm strong and independent. strong, independent women do better in relationships than women who can't think for themselves, because i think eventually men get tired of doing all the thinking for both people, unless they are the type who like to boss people around and be in control constantly. and strong, independent women usually raise strong, independent children, which this world needs more of, in my humble opinion.

my mom was strong and independent, but it was fucked up because our lives were always being dictated by my dad's dependency issues and bipolar issues. but still, if my mom hadn't been strong enough to hang with all that and deal, and show us the right way, who the fuck knows what we might have become? and yes, she could have left my dad, and she did many, many times, but things were different back then and the situation was fubar. so look forward, and not back.

i have to thank my mom for that anyway, because she stuck it out, i became a survivor. i could go the other way and piss and moan and say what a rotten childhood i had, but you know, that's all noise too. there were awfully good times, and there were awfully bad times, and you choose what you want to remember and take with you. you can be a victim, or you can be a survivor. and i choose the latter. i always say if i survived my childhood, i can survive any little shit that comes my way. my sister doesn't think of it that way... she doesn't think of her childhood at all, and never learned a lesson from it. and really, that's just sad. because there were several lessons to be learned... like ...

if money is all you have to worry about, you don't have a damn thing to worry about

even if you only have one friend, make it a good one and cherish them

fuck 'em if they can't take a joke

no matter how fucked up things are at home, don't drag your problems into work

always give to people who have less than you, even if you think nobody could possibly have less than you

be thankful for what you do have because it could all be gone tomorrow

i learned all that from my parents. i learned all that from my dad really. from watching him live. i'm all into this shit now and it's my blog anyway, so fuck it. another 12 minutes isn't going to kill me...

five years ago or so when i was on the first year of this new career i had the occasion to meet someone that my brother used to know as a kid. it's funny, even though my brother and i were only 2 years apart, none of our friends were the same, so all his friends know me as "s. sister" at any rate... this guy, now grown, began to tell me how my mom and dad saved him from the streets when he was 13 and 14 because they would let him come into their bakery during the midnight hours and hang out and even teach him how to do things, which kept him from running with older boys who were into drugs. this kid came from a huge family and his home life wasn't all that great and my parents bakery at night became his home away from home, and because of them, he never went to juvy like so many other kids did that he ran with.

you know, that was my dad. he was always so concerned he wasn't a good father to his own kids because of all the drinking and bipolar shit, and yet he did good stuff for anybody he came in contact with that needed a hand.

now, at this point in my life, i realize that my dad banked his whole life on karma. he did good things for other people with no payback in mind and went on his merry way and eventually, through fate's window, karma would bring good things back to us. that's the way it worked. there was no real plan involved with my parents. there was never a scheme. it was just based on karma and fate. i think my dad had a pretty good philosophy for someone that grew up in a shitty orphanage and had a bitch mother who committed suicide and made sure he knew it was his fault. he never let that keep him from helping other people and he never asked for anything back, it was all just good will.

so dad, whereever you are today in this house of mine (and i know you are here), i want you to know that you did a good job with me. i am strong, i am independent and all that shit we went through was no accident, it was all fate and karma. and i'm coated in good karma these days, because i'm living those lessons. my bank account sucks, but i don't care. i have good friends and i'm laughing. i am still giving, because i know that there are people who don't have it half as good as me.

now i'm off ... it's 43 minutes past where i started from, but i feel good and ready to go...

peace people, be well :)

wind me down

2005-07-21T00:20:00.000-05:00

just a note to my boy before he goes to sleep ..."come on baby, let's get out of this town...i got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down, there's a chill in my bones, i don't wanna be left alone... so baby, you can sleep while i drive ... "
and that's a melissa etheridge tune in case you weren't aware...
but it's just right for us tonight because i'd love for him to sleep while i drove us away to a place just our own. we need to be together in a serious way, i just need to lay my head down next to his for a while, okay?

i got a lot done today.
i have some things i need to figure out how to do in a big hurry...
how do i move a phone line? because i'm going to.
my dumbass brother tried to tell me tonight that i could not possibly lay a floor by myself... fuck him, really, fuck him. i can do this, and i will do it well. i don't need negative vibes around me.

i just went in and surveyed the land, so to speak, and i'm pleased.
i need to clear the surfaces and put shit away, the stuff i use daily, and then i can start in one corner with tearing up the carpet. i'm not an idiot, i know it's not going to be easy, but still, i also know it won't be impossible, and even if i divide the whole room into quarters, i can still have it done in 4 days. fri, sat, sun, mon. and that's with tearing up and cleaning the floors thoroughly. though i have a feeling that once i get started it's not going to take me nearly that long. then i'm looking at painting ... and i have thru the next sunday for that. then i get the furniture moved in and start putting things back together. that i can handle doing slowly. see. i can do it.
fuck that noise as g. says.

stupid bipolar brother.
he's just like my father was. it depends on which day you catch him on the mood you will get. if you will get good, happy go lucky guy or if you get the whole world is shit guy. i guess it was my day to get the whole world is shit guy. and i say he is a stupid bipolar brother because he's off his fucking meds. that's what makes him stupid. again, just like my father. he's a very lucky man that he has a good wife who helps him navigate through his universe.

we all need someone to help us through our universe.

"this city is no place to hide in, everybody knows your number... and you know that you could never be alone... if you tried..." prisoner in disguise

nobody knows those lyrics anymore. i think it's a testament to how old or how weird i am. i doubt if anybody who even reads this blog knows who jd souther is, save one person. i know two other people who know what a great songwriter he is, one is my aunt, and the other is someone i'll never speak to again in this life. it's just music from another time and another place, actually i was only 8 years old when all this great music came out, but thanks to my groovy aunt i learned who linda rondstadt, bob seger, santana, jethro tull and james taylor were. it was so much better than the crap bay city rollers that my friends were listening to anyway.

my god... today i actually found a duran duran rio cassette.

happy dreamin people, and happy spoonin if you are lucky enough to spoon

the year of the goat ...

2005-07-20T15:31:00.000-05:00

well, i am taking a break, having a smoke and some cranberry...
and i got curious

Luck will smile upon the charming Goat. They will prosper in many sectors of activity. And as far as amorous conquests are concerned, they will be among the luckiest ones of the zodiac. Will all that make them happy? On one level, yes, but they will still have questions that need large answers. This year, they must look to their interior life for solutions. Their happiness will depend on them and them alone. In order to be happy, they must, right now, begin to learn wisdom. 'When one is young, one must apply oneself to philosophizing; and when one is old, one should not get tired of philosophizing. For it's never too early or too late to work for the health of the soul,' as Epicurus said.

that's my general overview for the year for Chinese astrology... it amazes me every time how accurate this stuff is.

look inside yourself grasshoppah :)

groovin kimberry pie

2005-07-20T12:05:00.000-05:00

just a quick note to say...........

my favorite song today ...

"best of you" by the foo fighters.. you can check out the lyrics and more here i think

http://www.foofighters.com/bw/songlist.php

that song has more than several meanings... i'm kinda diggin it today :)

oh and ... laffin my head off here

it's followed by kung fu fighting on my boys playlist ... how cool is that ?
peace :)

oh and ... two more things

2005-07-20T11:26:00.000-05:00

i forgot two more things...

1. mom wants me to email the white hizzie and tell gw that the next time he decides to do a press conference will he please not fucking pre empt "big brother" because that shit really pisses her off and what he has to say really isn't that important.

and...

2. i had a dream last night that somebody i used to know was a serial killer, but he gave me a soggy 10 dollar bill because i was the girl that got away that he didn't get to kill. it was kinda like winning the "serial killer sweepstakes" heh .. go me.

have a happy day :)

humpday lists and dr suess

2005-07-20T11:17:00.000-05:00

i will not ever leave this house
i will work silently like a mouse
i will work like a possessed man
dumping stuff in the trash can!

well if you read it like you are reading "green eggs and ham" it sounds kinda dr seuss.

"i do not like them sam i am, i do not like green eggs and ham!"

i love that story, that one and "fox in socks"... i know, i'm 5, but it's okay, i'm allowed to be !!!!

so i've decided today to make a deadly strike on the living room and dining room, no piece of anything will be left standing. i do not intend to leave one thing unpacked or untouched, save a piece of paper and pen for writing down phone messages, which i know the 13 year old will not use! but i will leave it on the desk for her anyway. the plan is that if i work like a demon today and get it all finished and the bad people come and get all their SHIT, that's right i said SHIT...
then i can start ripping up the carpet... even if i have to move all their SHIT to one side of the room while i do it. you see i can not and will not wait on these unproductive people any longer, they are cramping my style and making me crazy, and really, i can't let them stand in the way of progress.

i'm hoping if i can at least get the floors done by the end of the weekend that i can start painting early next week and then get the furniture moved in by the end of the week and then....

*VOILA* ... i'm done enough to feel better about things and i won't have a complete meltdown before i have to go back to work.

the boyfriend and i are going to switch out the router, i have to have all the cables unplugged to move the computer anyway... because i have to get the carpet under the desk there, so we might as well do it all at one time anyway. it simply makes sense to me.

so i can't sit here long this morning, one more cup of java and then i have to start moving my ample ass and get busy.

i have such a good attitude about today :)

it's going to be a great day... i can feel it, it really really is !

free thinking tueday

2005-07-20T00:49:00.000-05:00

well ... i didn't get as much done today as i would have liked, but ya know... what the hell...
i mean really, what is going to happen? nothing, except i will have to work harder tomorrow. it's no big thing, some things didn't come thru for me where i had to depend on other people, so tomorrow i'll adapt and change and get some prep things done that need to be done.

i did do some good things today though :)
i helped my boy with a project and that made me feel really good !
he does so much for me, more than i could ever put into words for anyone to understand. we all need our cheerleaders, we all need that someone to believe in us without fail, and to love us without finding fault and he is the best at that. i mailed him a little present today. so yeah, i did do some good things today.

i took mom out, that was good.
i won two movie tickets and i'm going to give them to the soon to be ex to take the child to the movies for her birthday. this is a karma thing, he can't afford anything so this is something he can have to take her to. it's all good.
i laughed today and remained calm in the face of aggravation.
nothing was a big deal.

and i realized something.
when my brain is not focused on trying to solve a million little crises i can think about other things. random thoughts are allowed to process and i can just relax and free think just a little...

so random thoughts for the day. dave navarro looks like the devil. boys who have that yummy devil look are so so sexy. my boy has that yummy devil look.

and my rant...

i'm sick of hearing this crap that once somebody cheats on their spouse they will always cheat... the circumstances of adultery are not absolute, they are situational. we are programmed to fulfill certain needs in our lives and if we can't fulfill those basic needs we will find ways to have them filled. that's why people cheat. i suppose there are "serial" cheaters. i mean, i know there are. i think there are two kinds of people who cheat, those who are prepared to leave their spouses and start a better life, the ones who are really done, and then the other ones, the ones who just cheat on their spouses for sex or thrills.

i don't want to hear anymore about "cheating". cheating means there has to be something there to begin with. you can't cheat on what you don't have. and if you are abandoned, then really, what is there to cheating? that's just on my mind lately from somewhere, some random thing made me think of it.

i want money to go to my favorite mexican restaurant... i have the sudden urge for monterrey cheese dip and hot fresh fried chips. i think i could eat mexican food everyday and be happy.

i need a monday and tuesday vacation at my the boys house so i can read my harry potter book. it wouldn't work on a weekend because he would be home and not working, and i think i'd take the hot monkey love and hanging out time over harry potter.

do you realize if i get 2 bux for every video tape i have at the garage sale i'll make about $320 bux from that alone? that's huge and scary at the same time.

i'm looking to clean up from this sale in more ways than one, i'm getting rid of all this stuff i don't need, i'm getting rid of a lot of baggage and i'm gaining a lot of space and a lot of cash at the same time. this is a very good trade. i'm trying to think ahead here... of the big picture, of the big move...

but right now my head is getting fuzzy and i'm getting sleepy in that good way

enjoy that big, shiny moon outside.

so it's raining ... so what :)

2005-07-19T12:11:00.000-05:00

it's raining here again today. which is highly odd since i don't think the forecast called for rain, but then again, i wouldn't know because i don't really watch the news.

i am a total anti-news person.
no, i don't prefer to live in a hole underneath the ground, but really, sometimes i just can't handle the stupidity and tragedy that makes up my local news. so unless i'm going to make the news or someone i know is going to be part of the newscast, i don't tune in. does that make me a bad citizen? i don't think so. i will often read the news on the internet and then decide what is newsworthy for myself, i don't like the bobble heads they have reporting it on tv.

so yeah, rain.
i actually love rainy days, especially if i don't have to go anywhere and do anything. but today i have to go out and take mom out for a little while. she has a list of things she needs and wants to do. here's a little bit of information for you, when your parents become dependent on you to get around you very quickly find out what it was like for them when you were a kid and needed to be carted around all the time. and there really is no way of saying "no". yes it can be put off for a day or maybe two, but there is no way of saying "no". and really, i don't want to say no. i owe my mom a lot and i'm glad she's here. so instead of pissing and moaning about going out and running errands that i really don't have time for because i need to be working on the house instead, i'm thankfully going to do what she asks me to do because i'm grateful she's here as it wasn't too awfully long ago it might not have turned out that way.

so big deal.
i may not get as much done on the house as i would like today.
but you know ... i'm feeling strong enough that i can cut myself a little slack and not beat myself up because i can't stick to this schedule minute by minute. and damn, that is a very, very good thing.

last night before bed i had two specific tasks that i meant to get done, actually the boy kind of told me to get them done (he would make such a cute dom if that's the relationship we were going for, because he's so fucking hot when he gets bossy) anyway, i got one of the tasks done, which was to write a story about all those little naughty things that i was craving so very badly yesterday. the other task was to get myself off after i got myself all worked up... well no such luck (laughs hysterically) i got myself all worked up and then promptly fell asleep the minute my head hit the pillow. that's the third night in a row i've gotten all worked up before bed and fell asleep before i could achieve pronounced sexual bliss. perhaps i need to work on these things in the morning? the only problem with that is i like to get my groove on when i'm fully awake and can enjoy it. now wouldn't that be great? if the only problem in my life were when i was going to get off?

i think that's great :)
i think that may be a goal to work towards someday... where the only question on my mind is when is the best time of day to get my groove on.

but right now i've got a good solid 2 hour block of time to get some more packing and cleaning done before i take mom out and i'm feeling pretty good about what i can get done in that time!

peace everybody ...
and remember just because it's raining, doesn't mean it has to be a sad day :)

it's a brand new day...

2005-07-18T12:25:00.000-05:00

it's a brand new day ... and so starts my week as a "babysitter" to the children i have raised all these years. it's laughable at best, but i'm playing along. maybe i'll win some fabulous prize like on the price is right. maybe it will all just shake out on it's own, which i know it probably will. so i'm not going to put a great deal of mental energy into this right now, at this moment.

i'm sitting here in a towel, with my hair wrapped up in the post wash turban, trying to make plans for the day. i know if i step outside this house before 1 pm then all is lost as far as getting anything seriously done and accomplished. the temptation to just leave and not come back to face the music of packing and finishing the mess is just too great. its like i want to leave and hope some little group of fairies is going to come in and finish it all for me... but in my grown up mind i know that's not going to happen.

so i'm trying to get all hyped up with reminding myself that there are still 13 days left in my birthmonth, and still 13 days to get tons of things done. and i'm sooooooooooo close, so so so close to being able to get to the thing i want done the most, the floor. so i'm not going to worry or stress about it, instead, i'm going to just make a list and do it.

my friend julia, http://fuctincalifornia.blogspot.com/ (that's her fab blog if you wanna check it out) is so right when she says that i use this blog to kinda clear my mind. and today i'm kind of using it as a place to figure out my to do list. which works for me because if i actually write stuff down somewhere it's actually makes me more accountable for getting them done.

so i'm thinking that i have 3 main goals today..

i need to go thru all of our hundreds of vhs tapes and make sure that the movie matches the box and get them boxed up for the huge garage sale. i just can't see any point in having them around. they are going to be a pain in the ass to try to move when i move and i don't want to have to move them if i'm never going to watch them. so they will all be sold.

then i have one more filing cabinet to go through and get to the curb.

and finally i need to remove all the existing leftover nonsense and clutter from the living room and dining room because starting wednesday.....

YES WEDNESDAY !!!!!!!!!!

i'm planning to rip up the carpet and get started on my floors!

not such a big deal to you dear reader, i'm sure, but to me it's huge.
huge i say !
the only fly in the ointment is getting the soon to be ex to come get his 20 boxes of books out of my living room.

so yeah, that's the plan.

i have to say though, i'm feeling pretty darn good about it all.
i feel strong and i feel healthy, and that mean girl is nowhere within earshot so i think i've managed to banish her for a bit (which is damn good).

i have to say one thing though before i leave this space and start working... and it's totally off topic of the list of to do...

i only left the boy a week ago today ... so how can it seem so long ago that he kissed me?
how can it seem so long ago that he held me in his arms? how can it seem so long ago that we made love? it's the events of this past week that make it seem like so long ago... all that tranquility shattered when i got home and found the shitstorm that was going on ...

but ya know... i can hang on and hold out
when i start to get mopy and sad about it or feel like he's far away or feel sorry for myself, i stop to think about all those women with husbands overseas in iraq, serving in a place where they never know if their boy is okay or not. and it makes me grateful that at least i know my boy is okay and i know just where he is. and it also makes me realize how much sacrifice goes into war, not just on the front, but here at home too.

i'm getting off topic now, so i better go get busy or i'll sit here and ramble all morning long...

have a great day ... i know i'm gonna try :)

mean girl

2005-07-18T00:15:00.000-05:00

i don't know how to explain this weekend to anyone who didn't live it. i could tell you the events that happened, and i have told people the events that happened, but i couldn't tell you about what was happening behind my eyes if you didn't live it... inside my head.

it was bad inside my head this weekend.
and i'll put aside all that happened with my sister and the kids and the ex and all of that for a while and talk about the real bad inside my head this weekend.

you know i hate that little bitch that lives inside my fucking head.
you know her. she's about 13. she's the snottiest little girl you ever knew in the whole world. she's the spoiled brat you knew in school that everybody hated, but everybody was so afraid of her that she was the most popular girl in school. she was the queen of the mean girls.
she is the mean girl inside my head.

man, i hate her.
and i don't know how to turn her off.
see, she's the girl who makes me question everything because of the things she says.
something simple, so mundane, i buy a dress, i go and get this dress, i think i look great in this dress and i hear this little snotty voice tell me something bad.
she's the little snotty girl who says how can he love a girl like you when there are so many other girls in the world who are so much better?
she's the mean girl who says things like you really need to stop telling people how you feel, as if anyone cares what girls like you think.
she's the bitch who says i can't believe you actually think you look good when i look in the mirror.

she's the girl who reminds me of my failures, as if i could forget them myself. and when i'm sad and feeling blue, she's the girl who makes sure i stay there because she dredges up every sad mistake i've every made, everything i'd rather forget. either that or she takes the single thing that's made me sad and makes it a million times worse than it is well that was a good idea she will say, or, oh you are a rocket scientist , you're a real piece of work. and then come the all time killers, why do you try, you aren't worth anything, i don't know why you're here, just give up already.

she's just mean this girl.

i wish she'd fucking move already.

and it's not like i haven't tried to make her move.
i've gone to therapy to try to evict her.
my therapist told the mean girl to quit beating up on his patient. but of course, she doesn't really listen to anyone.

i guess i'm kinda lucky. she doesn't stay around for long when she comes out. like this time she only stayed around a few days. i don't know if she's just in my head or what. but i know she exists for a whole lot of other people who are bipolar. most of them have that mean voice in their heads too. i think a lot of people do.

maybe everybody does and they just don't admit it because they don't want people to think they are nuts.

but i'm going to tell you one thing for sure...
if i ever get ahold of that mean girl, her ass is mine.

a tower of candy and yardwork deja vu ...

2005-07-16T03:35:00.000-05:00

i had a wonderful birthday, albeit a little strange.

so i mowed the front yard, and trimmed the deadly hedge. it is named the deadly hedge because it has a growth of poison ivy and oak and a multitude of wasps and other stinging things that live in there, and also because today i shorted out a power cord when i cut thru it with the trimmers. no big deal, i have about 8 of those dumb cords anyway.

so i felt very accomplished. my yard is so beautiful, all fresh and green and lovely.
i started reading my old journals to get a read on what i've done on my past birthdays, and i found that in 2001 on my birthday i was mowing grass and trimming hedges, just like today. in 2003 i did it on july 12th. there must be something empowering about yardwork that makes me feel like i need to do it on my birthday or during my birthweek.

my sweet boyfriend sent me another present today ! a whole tower of candy !!!!!
there are few things in the world that i love as much as candy. and he knows this. the candy package came with 3 separate boxes. one filled with miniature chocolate bars. a tin with a solid one pound chocolate shaped like a little birthday cake. the third box filled with laffy taffy, sweettarts, and runts. he knows me so well. and what is doubly sweet is that he got me this present knowing i would share it with the ladies of the house. he's going to win the girls over big time if he feeds their sweet tooth the way he feeds mine.

and i have the best friends. i got the cards with well wishes for my birthday and lots of birthday cheer. i am most thankful with every passing day for my friends.

and then there was another card in my mailbox when i got home tonight, a card from the soon to be ex. a second card. the first one came late last night before i went to bed and it made me cry, it was mushy and had a poem, and it was another admission that he had failed me and the poem was one that wished me all the best in my future life. i don't know if it was mean to be a guilt trip, or if it was meant to play on my sympathy, or if it was meant for me to call him and tell him "no it wasn't all your fault".... i just let it go and didn't respond at all. sooooo, the second card was him telling me that he had given me exactly what i had asked for as a birthday gift, because i had asked him yesterday to get the job he had an interview for today for my birthday. the second card said that he had an interview next week to discuss salary and benefits as a formality but he was sure he was hired and he would call me next week to discuss money with me and how to help me pay bills.......... if it happens... that would be a great birthday gift and a huge load off my mind.

we will see though... he has been in this position before where he thought he had a job and it fell through.... i'm hoping it works out for him. i really do.

then the last thing of my day...

around 11:00 the thirteen year old who is technically living with her *mother* but is living here part time still (okay, we all know what this really means), anyway, at 11:00 she goes into full panic mode about not having anything to wear to her camp banquet tomorrow. she just didn't think about it before 11 at night. and to be honest, she really doesn't have anything to wear. i mean this kid went from being a kid to being nearly a full grown woman in one school year. so off to the 24 hour walmart we went. and being a teenager she found something to suit her and all was good. but the freaky thing was this... we walk in and there are allllllllll these people in this rural walmart supercenter... like the day after thanksgiving crowd. at midnight ??? and then i remembered... the harry potter book. and sure enough, that's what they were all there for, to get the newest harry potter book. so i went ahead and got my copy, just like i said i would on my birthday, even if it did come about by accident.

so there you have it...

yard work deja vu
a tower of candy
groovy birthday cards
late night walmart shopping
and the new harry potter book

and maybe, just maybe, ms karma is going to come through and help me get an ex husband a job so he can start paying some bills. i think we all can use a little good birthday karma :)

happy bastille day ... again

2005-07-15T02:25:00.000-05:00

happy bastille day and happy birthday eve kids!

in a little while it will be my birthday.
i'm fully medicated and i am waiting for a child to fall asleep (she thinks if she doesn't sleep the root canal scheduled for tomorrow won't happen)

and i'm sitting here quietly with her...
thinking about bastille day and what it means to me

it's french independence day
but it's my independence day as well.

12 years ago today i filed for divorce from my first husband.
i sat in my attorney's office bleary eyed and hungover... i had my sunglasses on and i just remember the coffee cup not wanting to be still in my hand.
i remember my mother driving me because the appointment was at the ungodly hour of 8am.
and then i remember going home and having to clean margaritas and nachos off the bathroom tile.
but god i was free. and i was so thankful. probably as thankful as the french on bastille day.

and now here we are full circle again, it is bastille day and i'm on the eve of filing for divorce again.

my goddess powers are at their highest right now, but it's a secret.
it's my birthmonth and so i have the ability to shed myself of husbands and entanglements and those intending to harm me. i have reviewed all of the case files in detail this evening. and it is so. first the marriages to end in july .. and then all those other entanglements. joe, and that fellow from they burn women like me at the stake... heh.. all the way back to johnny ...

my god.. nearly every man whose ever bent me or bruised only to be cut off in july had a name that began with a j. more coincidence of the universe. if you believe in coincidence.

personally i believe in fate.
i was meant to meet these men. in one way or another through all the bullshit they put me through i am all the stronger for it. i didn't come out more jaded, or untrusting. i didn't come out questioning true love or the existance of love. i came out of all that shit, all those lies, all that crap stronger. i trust, i love. and everytime i lost, i gained. and this time when i lost, i gained more than i ever thought i could. i'm so damn lucky sometimes. for all the fucked up shit that's gone down ... there's some good karma out there with my name on it that's here to stay.

and about these goddess powers.
it's my birth month.
and my birth week,
and now, my birthday.
and i can have anything i want if i just want it enough. that's the way it is when my powers are this high. i can believe it and it will happen, oh it will happen. and i'm not stupid, i'm not talking about spending powers on wishing the boy would show up in 6 hours on my doorstep. that's not going to happen. i'm just saying that there are certain things that i can make possible right now if i act upon them when i am at my peak of feeling like this.

and what does this feel like ?
this feels like 38.
38 is comfy.
38 is having short hair and being confident that i'm a cute redhead with a pixie cut.
38 is wearing his tshirt and boxers and not really giving a shit if i have a bra on because i'm a real woman and guess what? real woman don't have tits that stand off their chests like cones. if you can pass the pencil test at 38 ... goody for you, but i don't have to worry about your standards because i'm comfortable in my own skin thank you.
38 is being comfortable with laugh lines and little wrinkles that occur because i laugh and frown and occasionally wrinkle my brow.
38 feels like being able to be me ...
38 feels a whole lot like freedom.

oh and just in case i could get anything i wanted.. it would be the boy and after a good bit of "i love you" and mush mush... i'd like to try to flip the recliner again.

late night thoughts

2005-07-11T02:06:00.000-05:00

i hate that it's this time.
i hate it, i hate it, i hate it.

i know it's just time.
he says ... we will both be busy, it will go fast baby, you know it will be fine.
he's right, i know he's right.

but damn
right now can't i be 5?

because at 5 you can cry when life is unfair, and you can throw a fit and it's okay because you are 5. sure, at some point people will get onto you and tell you to stop, but it's a whole lot more acceptable at than it is at 37 and 51 weeks.

i want to cry right now and kick and scream and throw stuff.

but i'm not. i'm sitting quietly, having a smoke, thinking about my nervous stomach and why it's doing flip flops. the boy is sleeping quietly, i just tucked him in. i'm going to crawl in with him in a minute and get my cuddle on. the last one for 8 weeks.

i am going to hate leaving here. this little paradise with him.

thoughts of all that are waiting for me back there have starting to list themselves out in my head again ... get drivers license renewed, keep working on house, sort papers, get stuff ready for yard sale, rip up carpeting ... blah blah blah blah blah ...

it goes on and on all these things

here's this thing that just hit me ...

you know when you are in love and there is a kiss or a moment or something happens where you feel like "the whole world stops and it's just the two of us" ?

well, as i sit here and think on it, those moments are great and they are sustaining, but it's all the other moments in between, the moments of hard work and sacrifice and day to day struggle that are going to be the moments that are going to get us together forever.

so i think something is trying to tell me ... look, you've had your moments, now you have to go back to reality and do the really hard work for just a little while longer until you can have that time together, that end result you are both working so hard for.

is it that?

and i don't even care right now if he transfers there, or i move here.
i can't even think there.
i have to think one step at a time.
get the divorce. get the house fixed up. sell the house. finish up my contract.
and in between all that reality, have these moments with this boy i love so much.
every thing has it's own time. i need to learn that really.

i need more time with this boy.
i need more time to convince him that he can't live without me.
i need more time to make him see that i'm essential to his happiness.

i need to be 35 turning 36
not 37 turning 38.

i don't want to be 38.

there is something fundamentally wrong and flawed with that number.

and just for the record, i refuse to worry about what people say when they think i can't hear...
"38 years old and two failed marriages, poor girl"

i may have two failed marriages, this is true.
but i'm hardly in the "poor girl" category.
there is a fine specimen of a man in the bedroom right now that i'm going to go snuggle up next to and i doubt seriously that he would agree with anyone who called me a "poor girl"

i've rambled enough about nonsense and what's cluttering my head.
i may be able to sleep now. i may not.
i have to fly tomorrow and i'm not looking forward to it... i'm sure it will be fine though.

goodnight :)

mother nature blues

2005-07-10T02:33:00.000-05:00

can i just say how much i hate mother nature?
yes i can. i can, and i will, because right now, i do.

i guess life is full of firsts. and this life with the boy is going to be full of firsts. this is what he told me in that soothing voice as i stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes and crying softly because mother nature just couldn't wait one more damn day to come. and he's right, life is full of firsts. i suppose we have to have this eventually. if we are going to be married someday and occupy the same house for the rest of our lives then this is going to have to be something that we deal with. i guess it's true, but it just doesn't seem fair right now, today, right at this moment.

perhaps it's the abundance of proper, good fucking that has brought mother nature a day early. it's entirely possible. my body isn't used to such a thing. it hasn't been used to such a thing in a very long time, but i'm thinking i could get used to it real quick.

this time here is nearly over.
and i don't know as of right now when i'll be back this way again. i know in my head what i'm hoping for but it seems so far away, so long away and when i think about it i want to cry. but it's the only way for now. work is going to start soon, the kids will go back to school, the world will start to turn again. the soonest i can see clear sky is 8 weeks ... and that's such a very long time to be without him. but it can't be helped. there is only one other option *sigh* and looking at the calendar it's not very promising because it looks like mother nature is just bound and determined to ruin my fucking life one way or another. *frowns, cries, throws a fit, stomps, kicks rocks*

that sounds really shallow. it makes it sound like it's all fantastic sex. and that couldn't be farther from the truth. so let mother nature come, i don't care. i'm content if i can be in the same room with him, just to smell him, and see him, and hold his hand, and feel the softness of his beard on the back of my shoulder...

i have 24 more hours left of that....
of feeling the soft of his beard on my shoulder
of feeling his hand on the small of my back making small circles
of feeling his rough fingers in the palm of my hand when we sit on the couch and watch tv

i have 24 more hours
and i'm getting all weepy
so it's time for me to stop now and go do something fun with my boy

peace

time wise

2005-07-09T11:02:00.000-05:00

a week comes and goes and time means nothing to anyone but me.
it's alright i guess, who else should my time make a difference to? but i am feeling like there is a big clock ticking right now out in the universe and it's sole purpose it to count down the minutes of my life. maybe there is one with just my name on it.

time goes on i guess.
wise men don't try to control time, maybe that's what makes them wise.
wise men don't try to control anything, maybe that's what makes them wise.

i can't control anything. i'm going to quit trying, maybe then i'll be wiser.

right now i'd settle for being wiser, i'd settle for being a lot of things.

vacation friday already ...

2005-07-08T12:02:00.000-05:00

It’s Friday already…

I still don’t understand how time goes so fast when I don’t want it to. I don’t understand how time can creep by so slowly and then when I’m here with him it can just fly by, 24 hours seems like 10, and before I know it a week has come and gone. I’m so thankful we still have our weekend left together. It’s our favorite time together. We will have raceday together and shoot darts and just chill out and relax and spend all that quality time loving each other.

Last night we had breakfast for dinner. I get in moods where I love breakfast for dinner, something about having bacon and eggs at dinnertime just seems so good. Originally I was going to let him cook it for me because I was afraid I would overcook his bacon or mess up his eggs, but he came home from work and he had worked so hard and he had an aggravating day. So I put away my silly worries about not being able to cook something simple like bacon and eggs and just cooked it. it was kind of cute and funny at the same time, I was cooking up the bacon and he made a comment about bringing home the bacon and me cooking it up nearly barefoot (because I had my flip flops on) and we both laughed and then he smirked and said “and you’ve had enough stuff this week you should be pregnant”. It was funny and we both laughed at the thought of me being nearly barefoot and ripe and cooking up bacon. It’s those funny little moments that make me love him like I do. He could have just went on in the living room and vegged out in front of the tv while I cooked dinner, instead he stayed in the kitchen and talked to me while I cooked and helped me get the eggs ready. It’s just an easy kind of love we have going on.

And I think of what my friend Mike said ‘it’s just 6 little vacations you’ve had, you need to be sure, you need to be really sure’. I gave up on explaining anything to Mike. Sometimes you can’t explain anything to Mike, he simply can’t be told. Once he thinks he knows it all about a subject, then he becomes an expert in his own mind and he will not relinquish or give an inch. So I could marry the sweet boy and we could be married 50 happy years and still Mike would carry on and say ‘it’s just 50 little years, you need to be sure, you need to be really sure.’

It’s really inconsequential, what Mike says, or what anyone says for that matter. People will always have something to say when they see two happy people. When we finally come out of the closet with this relationship to my family and friends back home I expect there to be a bit of backlash from some of my friends and family with comments like “you don’t need a man to make you happy, when will you realize that” or “you just got out of one marriage, why would you want to do that again”. Or there will be those who will think it but will not say it. It won’t do a bit of again to argue to these people, to try to prove my point, to try to show them how wrong they are. None of that will possibly work. The only thing that is going to prove to them how wrong they are is to live my life, call my shots, marry this man I love, and live my life in my version of happily ever after.

So I’m on this wonderful, relaxing vacation. All stress and worry are supposed to be seeping from my veins and bones, and yet I’m still being called from way back home. My mother called me yesterday because the future ex wanted his birth certificate and he had given it to me to file away. Well, now apparently, while I’m 1200 miles away (and he knows this by the way) he has decided that he desperately needs it. So mom called me because he was ready to sit and dig into all of my newly separated files. I was glad that she called because it wasn’t even in the file cabinet that he wanted to go through. I told her exactly where it was and she gave it to him so he could go and be on his merry fucking way.

Then mom gave me more good news, my unstable sister (gotta love her because she is the only sister I have) is moving out of her boyfriend’s place and getting her own place. This is good news; this is great news, because he has the capacity to be an abusive jerk. The bad news in this, the stressful news, the news that made me sick to my stomach, is that she is incapable of living alone and in her need to not live alone she made a statement that she wanted the girls to live with her again. Now, the girls are my children and have been since they were 2 and 4 years old when she abandoned them at my house. I have raised them ever since. Suddenly, now that she may be living alone, she is making noises about possibly wanting them back (which she has done before). I don’t see this as something that will come to pass. I was quite upset about it yesterday when I got off the phone with mom, but I realized as I sat here that this is not something that is going to come to pass. My sister has never raised her own children and now that one is a teenager and one is a pre-teen, she has no idea what is really involved in taking care of them. I think she believes that the hard part is over and that they are self sufficient… she has no idea how far from the truth that is. Now is the time for vigilance. There is nothing scarier than a computer savvy 13 year old that looks and acts like she is 16 or older. Being vigilant and knowing where she is and what she is doing at all times is the only way to keep her from doing something potentially stupid. My sister is too self absorbed to be concerned with worrying about a 13 year old. So really, I’m not too awfully concerned that this will happen, and if it does, they won’t live with her for long because she will not be able to handle the skirmishes that occur over lip gloss and earrings and the daily struggle for them not to breathe each other’s air.

I was in a funk about all this bad news from home yesterday afternoon and when he got home from work we talked about it all and he helped me to see how useless and crazy all the worrying really was. I know her and I know her patterns, this new interest in motherhood is a flash in the pan and will never last. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that the separation from her boyfriend doesn’t last over 2 months. (so place your bets now)

The bombing in the tubes and of the bus in London yesterday made me very sad for the state of our world and for all the people who were affected. It’s terrible that we live in a world where people cannot be safe going to and from work, it’s sad that there are people out there who live for the mission to destroy others. Everybody has a theory, I’ve been watching them all talk about them on the news channels. My personal theory is that the attacks were planned after the announcement of the London as the chosen place for the Olympic games so that the terrorist could basically say “look, we can get to you anytime, anywhere we want to”. Terrorism is meant to create fear and terror, hence the name terrorism. The psychological message sent is supposed to be more damaging than the physical, which becomes collateral damage. I’m sure terrorist experts would disagree with my simplistic views, afterall, I’m just the girl next door, but it seems to me that they want to show us all that none of us are ever safe. The problem is that they underestimate the feelings that people have of patriotism and the resolve not to give in to the fear that terrorism is supposed to create. Oh well, it’s only my two cents worth.

I’m off to the pool soon, for my last day of sunshine to work on my tan before I return home. Oh the sun will shine tomorrow I’m sure, but tomorrow my sweet boyfriend will not be working and all my time will be reserved for him. I want to spend all my last minutes with him, doing all those things that will keep me whole until I get to see him again.

Enjoy the day!

vacation time

2005-07-06T11:48:00.000-05:00

i feel so good and well rested this morning and i'm smiling and happy :)

i got a good 7 1/2 hours sleep last night without a sleeping pill. good, honest sleep that came from being tired and relaxed. i think it's the absence of sex in my life at home that creates the need for sleeping pills, because here with my wonderful boy, i don't need them.

i cooked for him last night. we looked on the internet for a recipe that called for chicken and rice, something his mother used to make for him that he called "sunday chicken". so we found it and i made it for him, and it was good and he loved it. i was surprised at how good it was myself. it was really tasty. it makes me happy when i can cook for him and it was such a simple thing. it sounds really silly but he was on the phone with his sister while i was cooking and waiting for the chicken to come out of the oven and i heard him tell her when the timer went off "well i need to go my supper is ready, i'm having sunday chicken". i guess i'm a silly girl if little stuff like that makes me happy.

so we got busy playing darts after dinner and he told me to leave the mess, which is no big deal, because i could always get up in the morning and clean up because i'm on vacation. but what a big surprise i found when i got up this morning! he was all dressed and just on his way out the door for work and he had written me a note ... the dishwasher was loaded and running, he had made my coffee for me, he had started laundry and he had even prepped the bathroom for me to take a nice relaxing bath later. awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww !!!!!!!! never, ever have i had a guy go out of his way to be so sweet to me. here he is trying to get ready for work and he is rushing around doing housework so i don't have to do it when i get up because i'm on vacation. how sweet!!!!!!!

so today it's already swampy hot outside and the sun is blazing. i'm sooooo glad. i'm going to go out at 11 when the pool opens and lay out and work on my tan. i have no color on my skin right now so i am hoping i can lay out today and get some color and hopefully get just a little sun tomorrow and friday (even though the days are looking progressively stormy ahead thanks to the tropical storms that are heading inland)

so even though i'm 1200 miles away on vacation the bastard soon to be ex is still trying to play headgames. he sent me a newspaper article that talked about how budget uncertainties for my job would mean that i may not get paid on the 15th. that's a nice bit of pyschological warfare. i don't need to be worried while i'm on vacation that the one source of income for me and the children is going to be disrupted because a bunch of elected officials can't get their act together and vote on a budget. so i called home to talk to the kidlet and my mother tells me that he was over dropping the kid off after swimming and that he made sure to tell her about me possibly not getting paid on the 15th and how that would really mess things up. but mom, being the strong woman that she is, simply looked at him coldly and said, "we will be fine, don't you worry about how her bills will get paid." it's nice to know that mom is on my side. he's pissed her off so much with how he screwed me over on things that she has no tolerance for him anymore, and i'm sure he finds it surprising in his wee, little brain that she isn't on his side.

oh well.

if i think about that too much i will sit here and start thinking about the house and my lists of things to get done before the 1st of august. honestly, i don't want to think about any of that this week. this week i want to pretend that i don't have a care in the world. this week i want it to be just about me and my sweet boyfriend without all the lists i have going on back at home. i don't want to be distracted by worry... it's happened a few times, he will look at me and my thoughts are there, making those lists, thinking, worrying. i don't want to do that. we have little enough time together in the flesh without me bringing a ton of worry over things neither one of us can control while i'm down here. he has helped me with what he can. we went over my phone bill and my cable bill and found ways to consolidate and trim. he showed me some options of things i could do. he wants to help me so much, he wants to do so much for me, and yet he knows so much of this i have to do on my own.

i'm heading to the pool in a while... so i need to have a little breakfast first :)
enjoy the day ... i know i will.

at last ...

2005-07-05T17:30:00.000-05:00

where to begin?

it's tuesday. i'm here :)

the wedding was lovely. our big date was fantastic. he looked absolutely gorgeous and i think i looked good enough to be seen with him (laughs). we had a great time with his family and they all seemed to like me. they were all very nice people, very welcoming and very warm. they made me feel at home instantly. i was so relieved and i was so happy. it was a beautiful evening and an all around good time.

the road trip to the wedding was great. i got to see some his childhood places. it's like going another layer deeper, seeing another layer of him altogether. i know more of him now, more about him now.

the wedding itself had a shared communion, where the bride and groom served communion to their guests. knowing how he feels about organized religion, i wasn't exactly sure how he would react, or how he would feel about it. communion always leaves me feeling humbled and closer to god. and i have to say, taking communion with him made me feel closer to him and blessed in god's eyes. now, again, like i said, he might have a whole different feeling about that than i do because i think that our thresholds of faith and what we actually believe are quite different, but i do believe that were you to ask him, he might actually say that there was a part of it that was special to him too. i dunno, faith is a funny thing. and it's one of those things that everyone should have their own feeling about and i would never try to force my feelings about faith on anyone else. i can only say what communion means to me.

so now changing topics ...

i'm sooooooo tired.
i just can't seem to catch up on my rest or seem well rested.
i think i've had about 5 hours sleep now every night for about 2 weeks and it's really starting to wear on me. today i've done nothing but laze all day. i did a few loads of our wash from the road trip, took a shower, and basically cat napped all day long. the sweet boyfriend did bring up a good point, this is really the only rest or downtime i've had since i went back home the beginning of june. because after i got back home i started the divorce proceedings and started with tearing up the house and i've been working on that ever since. so really, he's right, i've gone an entire month without any downtime. so i'm not going to worry too much about just lazing around. tomorrow if it's not raining i'm going to laze around poolside and work on my tan.

i was awakened this morning to the best of morning sex and i must say it's the best way to start the day, even if i couldn't get my eyes all the open and if i couldn't get them to focus. i guess you don't need to really have your eyes open to enjoy good, sweet loving in the early morning anyway :)

it's raining, it's pouring ... la la la la

2005-06-30T12:46:00.000-05:00

i made it !
it's the one more sleep day ! tomorrow i leave for several days of rest and relaxation.
i have such a hugeeeeeee list today.

so last night/this morning i ended up going to bed somewhere around 2:46 ish.
at least that was the last time i can recall looking at the stupid clock.
i woke up at 9 this morning to the sound of thunder booming and fat raindrops beating against the windows. i should have, and could have just rolled over and gone back to sleep, but instead i went ahead and got up because i know that it's thursday and i have a gigantic list to do.

i have found that the key to getting my to do list done is to not leave the house.
if i leave the house then i end up running the streets all day and just being "out" in an effort to avoid what is lurkinig here, the big list.

yesterday and the day before were okay because i really did have legitimate errands that took me out of the house. i have one errand to run today, but to do it i really don't need to leave the house until around 2:30, so until then i have pledged to work around here to get the things done that really need doing before i leave town.

like laundry
like packing
like doing my nails
like giving myself a pedicure
like taking care of all those girly needs i have before i can go see the sweet boyfriend.

so i will get off here pretty soon and go get started.

i'm hoping that he doesn't come over here and hang around in the afternoon like he has been doing. he's been taking the child swimming everyday and then when he drops her back off between 3 and 4 he stays to watch her favorite cartoon with her, which starts at 4:30. so then he really does not leave until a little after 5.

here's the thing, it's hard to be a bitch about him just sitting on the couch with her watching television because he's really not bothering me, i mean, usually if i'm in here he doesn't even speak to me. it's just the point that he's here. but for me to tell him that he can't stay and watch this little 30 minute program with her makes me look like a complete bitch to the child. because she thinks we are friends now and she wouldn't understand why, if we are friends, it wouldn't be okay for him to just sit on the couch with her and watch tv. i can't really tell her "because his very presence in this house makes me ill" that's not a fair position to put the kid in.

so i just shut up about it.
i'm going to have to put up with a lot of this stuff not to look like the bad guy.
i'm going to have to put away a lot of my feelings of anger towards him so that he can be around the kids without me looking like psycho mom.

and it's a very hard situation to be in.
i don't want them to hate him, i don't want them to hate me.
it's very good if they think that we are all friends, it is just that mommy and daddy don't love each other like that and can't live together like that. if they think we are friends then they are going to be less likely to try to play us one against the other, which, i know that being very smart kids they are going to try to do. i mean, my goodness, they tried to do it when we were together.

i had seen a flash of something lighter outside my window and thought the sun was trying to peek out, but alas, it is thundering again.

maybe that's an indication that i should empty all these baskets and do this filing i've been putting off, get things in the filing cabinet like they should be, get all the papers put away and be done with that little project before i leave town.

it would be nice to come back and have all that done, that's for sure.

okay well, i am just adding to my list here instead of accomplishing anything.

so peace for the day :)

we shall update on progress tonight !

a 24 hour world

2005-06-30T03:04:00.000-05:00

yesssssssssssssss !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*throws flowers, blows kisses, waves at the crowd from the back of a convertible*

i found the dress !

i'm so incredibly dingbatty sometimes.
it was under the bed in the storage container i forgot that i had because it's very small and it has only these really nice dresses in it. so i got it out and tried it on and oh, i think it is the dress. so i have it narrowed to three now.

now i need to go through my 40 pairs of black shoes and find the perfect pair to go with these dresses. i know i have a pair. i know i do. i mean i have the fuck me black sandals i bought last year, but i think they are a tad sluttish for this event. i'm sure in the shoe collection i have something for this event.

oh well.
so i lived in new york tonight.
you know, sometimes i do wish i lived someplace where things were open all night long. here the only things that are open all night are walmart, mcdonalds and the occasional grocery store. target may be open 24 hours, but i dunno.

i want to live in a world where the mall is open 24 hours.
where everything i want is open all day.

but tonight it almost was. at 9 i went to my brother's for a little visit. and the kid decided to spend the night with her uncle, as he had fireworks and 3 other kids to play with. i was on my own then, so off i went to walmart and then to the grocery store. then i went to the best 24 hour place in the world to get a good fountain pop. i came home and unloaded it all and put it away.

and i wasn't at all scared that i was a girl all alone out at night in my city.
which made me feel very good.

so now it's almost 1 and i'm still up.
i've just finished putting away all the laundry.
i need to unpack the suitcase.

it's so funny.
i opened up the smallest suitcase in search of the tankini top and i found my jeans and a cami and some panties and socks i had apparently not unpacked since .... april ?

they were clean obviously because i always do my laundry before i leave his place ..
but i think it's funny that i have panties from april and panties from may packed in suitcases in my closet.

if i don't need them i don't know why i don't just leave them there?

except i did think of one thing...

it made me laugh for a long time
he's a pretty smart guy, i couldn't leave too much of my stuff there before he'd figure out i'm just extending my closet and storage facility *snort*

so the kidlet is gone

and i need to get a bunch of stuff done tonight, but i've already done a bunch of stuff.
so i'm gonna try to get some sleep now. i love how he tells me to get some sleep now, he adds in (before it gets to late) so i don't stay up half the night.

one night last summer i was like this

and so i waited up til his alarm clock went off
and i said good morning to him and it was sweet conversation :)

but i'm not going to do that tonight, because i need to get some sleep, because after tonight there is just one more til vacation.

dreams and mornings

2005-06-29T12:01:00.000-05:00

it's toooooooo early, but i was forced out bed by a dog needing a walk, and i kinda needed a walk myself, so i guess it was a good thing. but still, i went to sleep at 2 something and got up at 9, so not a real good night's rest for the wicked.

and the crazy dreams i had.
well one crazy dream. i remember it in vivid technicolor.
somehow i ended up in this little squat, kitchenette motel in this dinky little town called ada, oklahoma. i know it's a real town because i've been through there. how i ended up there in my dream i will never know.

so there i was in this dive motel with this an ex ex boyfriend. and for some reason it was like it was the past. he had put me there because he wanted me to meet his kids, and he wanted me to like his kids, some brady bunch thing. but then the whole thing went bad when he wanted to take a shower and the lady that owned the motel said that the only person who could shower in my room was the occupant of the room, me. so there was this big scene and i was trying to check out and they wouldn't refund my money since for some silly reason i had made reservations to stay in this dump for a whole week. and the whole rest of the dream was about me trying to get my money back. and in my dream i kept thinking "why am i here? i'm not supposed to be here. something about this isn't right" over and over again i kept thinking that and even kept saying it. but i never did figure out what was wrong.

random dreams.
they say that dreams are random firing of neurons across synapse while we sleep. that they mean nothing.
but i think that they have to be fueled by something in our subconscious.

like i think the reason i had that dream about an ex ex boyfriend was because late last night i was reading my old journals from way back in 2002 and 2003 and i was just looking at how much my life had changed, how much happier i am now. so i'm thinking some of the sadness of that time must have carried over into my head when i was sleeping.

i have a lot to do today.
still after being up nearly all night i did not find what i was seeking. i did get some of the closet cleaned out though. that was nice and good. but alas, still not what i wanted.

the temptational forces are strong today.
the temptation to goof off. the temptation to shop when i have no funds. the temptation to go back to bed and spend half the day there.

but i must fight off temptation !

i have only 2 sleeps left until vacation and sooooooooo much remains.

i did feel rather good last night though.
my ever sweet sister in law came over and she said "my god you weren't kidding around when you said he was getting out" she immediately noticed all the packing and removal of his things in the house and what a difference it made.

that in itself made me quite happy :)

have a great day, i know i will :)

the best ideas come at midnight ...

2005-06-29T02:21:00.000-05:00

i love this midnight :-)

i'm on the hunt for two articles of clothing.
the top to a tankini and a certain dress.
i have searched through 5 storage containers.
why do i have to open them if they are clear?
i shoulda licked the damn things while i was at it, but i had to be sureee they weren't in there.

and the sad thing is, i'm so obsessive, tomorrow i will go through them again. plus i'll go through every other thing in the house until i find them or give up.

i'm on a deadline here people !

but that's not why i'm up at midnight.
you see, we have no cable this evening.
and the two other inhabitants of this house cannot live without the television and so they are finding it hard to be distracted. in fact, they sleep with the television on. i know it's a horrible habit i've let my child fall into. but she fell into it with him. sneaking up after bedtime to watch tv with him, and he allowed it, so i had two children. but i'm off topic...

so since we have do not have cable...
they are watching dvd's and i'm on this scavenger hunt.

and then i had this brilliant idea.
i swear to god they are like flashes of light sometimes.

maybe it is god ...
"here, i hid your dress from you, but you can have this brilliant idea instead"

ummmm gee, thanks.

i dunno, i'm looking around and i think that with strategic recon missions by the child we can locate said dress. the swimsuit top may have to be a casualty, and really, it's no big deal since i have another that i like just as well.

and still !

i got the brilliant idea out of the deal.

and no i can't talk about the brilliant idea :)
but it's gonna make a pool shark i know very happy

and now back to the closet, because i just know that damn thing is in there !

the life of a disease

2005-06-28T11:58:00.000-05:00

my child happened to see me writing in my blog yesterday and asked me "so, are you the girl next door?"

i coyly replied, "well, aren't we both the girl next door to somebody?"

she let it go after that.
i don't care if she knows the name "the girl next door". it's not very likely that she could find this blog on her own. and if she did happen to mention to him that i'm the "girl next door" i doubt very seriously that it would register. and besides, honestly, if he found this blog, what the fuck would i care at this point?

yesterday was another day of running around town and trying to get things done. still i was left feeling like i had accomplished very little. i'm not seeing big progress on the house like i need to and it's tuesday and i am leaving on friday. back in the olden days of self destruction i would have just skipped my meds for a few days and stayed up all night on a binge and cleaned and cleaned and worked and worked until i was happy. however, i'm not feeling like this is a good time to skip meds and go on any manic frenzy, no matter how appealing the outcome might be.

speaking of meds, this is pretty scary. i take 5 pills a day to keep my bipolar disorder under wraps and under control, which is fine, every single pill performs a certain function to keep my brain chemistry exactly right. but what is scary is the warning labels that come on each little bottle. i was studying them last night.

i take one pill called lamictal because it's an anticonvulsant which is supposed to prevent mood episodes by inhibiting sodium and calcium in presynaptic neurons and by stabilizing the neuronal membrane (basically it makes everything level) this pill has exactly 4 warning labels on the bottle.

then there is another pill called topamax which is supposed to reduce rapid cycling (not bike riding, but mood swinging cycling in the brain). oh and it's the rapid cycling that can be caused by the first pill. this little bottle has 5 warning labels.

then there is my favorite pill. seroquel. this little baby is the size of a bb and it has the potency to knock a full grown elephant on it's ass in about 5 minutes. i get to take 2 of these a night and i swear you could set your watch most nights that about 10 minutes after i take them... it's lights out. these are used to treat acute mania and borderline schizophrenia (see i knew there was more than one personality in my head) this little bottle has 4 warning labels and i don't get to eat grapefruit because of it. (now how odd is that?)

and lastly, as if none of the "warning this medication may cause drowsiness" labels weren't enough on any of those drugs, i have temazepam, my little white sleeping capsule. people who are bipolar are often unable to sleep naturally for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time unless they are in a low state. even with all my other meds if i don't take this little pill i'm up and off in 3 or 4 hours. now for some people that's just grand, but for bipolar people sleep is a critical thing, so i have to take this to make sure i get my 7 or 8 hours in.

it's not often that i write about this disease.

but right now i feel like i should. there are people who care about me who read this blog and some of them understand this thing and some of them don't. i have one friend who is realllly good at picking out when i'm standing on top of an episode about to swing either way. and it's odd because she is someone i only talk to on msn. but gilly can tell just by things i say or how i say them where i'm at in the cycle. she has had experience with this disease with someone else in her life and she knows the warning signs all too well.

so just for the record, being bipolar means that if you are doing well you are living like a normal person with normal highs and normal lows. but being episodic means something else all together.

if you are low, then it's the absolute end of the world. when i'm low like that i lose all willingness to get out of bed, to function, to eat, to bathe, to talk, to dream. i don't want to live, i don't care what happens to me and i lose the ability to see anywhere into the future so that i can dig myself out.

if you are high it can be just as devastating as if you are low, actually, it can be more so. people who are cycling on the high side of being bipolar see themselves as invincible and rationalize that no matter what they do it will turn out to be the best thing in the world. and being high pushes whatever weak button you have into high gear without impunity. so if you are a shopper and you go manic it may be nothing to go out and max out every charge card you have on a binge because you see yourself in a state of being so powerful that you never thing about consequences. for some people, it's sexual. people go out and take risks that they wouldn't normally take because they see themselves as being untouchable.

so everyday in my world i wake up and i think about how i feel.
i have to. i don't intend to leave this earth the way my dad did.
if i think it is going to be a low day i have to give myself that pep talk.
if i think it's going to be a high cycling day then i have to take precautions and remove those things from my reach that could hurt me if i suddenly think i can be superwoman.

i think i have removed the biggest toxin from my life that made me go from up to down and back again. my mood being so dependent on my interaction with him. i had hope before, but now i have something else besides just hope. i have hope and i have a situation that provides that those hopes will come to fruition. i have dreams and i have a situation where those dreams might actually come to pass. that kind of living situation will definitely put one in a different frame of mind.

well i've rambled on enough for one morning... and had my coffee, so i have no more excuses to sit here and write on.

i have a small list of "to do" today.
it's raining outside and the smaller my list, the more manageable it all seems to be.

peace :)

cracking or laughing

2005-06-27T12:14:00.000-05:00

it's nearly 10 am as i get started this morning with 2 cups of juan valdez glory juice in me...

i have a lot to do today!

"he" wants to come over today for some nonsense bullshit, to drop off papers for something i need to fill out. he called yesterday morning for this non important mess but i told him no, i didn't want to be bothered with him yesterday. funny, i still don't want to be bothered with him today. so i'm thinking i will call him and he can come on over and drop them off and visit the kidlet while i'm gone. there's no reason for me to see him. he can do all this while i'm out of here.

i have some out of the house errands. and i need to make a list, otherwise, i'll get sidetracked on this beautiful, hotter than hell day and end up running all day long and get nothing at all done.

i have 3 distinct pieces of furniture to move in the house today, but before they can be moved they must be emptied and their contents packed. so i need to get more packing boxes while i'm out. i think people getting divorced must keep the packing box industry booming.

funny thing is, i told my mom the other day that i always wondered how long it would take me to pack his shit up in short order, well now i guess i know almost exactly.

so items to do out running...

hair cut ... maybe i'll feel a whole new kind of princess power after i get my hair cut. maybe i'll feel all girly and new. maybe i'll feel like letting the boy press me against the wall and kiss me the way he does that just makes me melt.

work stuff... the necessary evil that is going to keep me employed for another year. this should take all of 15 minutes and the pure hell is going to be finding a place to park. no big deal.

banking... oh this is laughable. how long can the bank take when you are broke ?

at some point you know.. i need to unpack the suitcase from my last trip so i can repack it for this trip. pretty easy stuff, i'm not packing anything fancy. my denim capris and a couple of tees and that should be enough for this adventure. oh yeah, and my swimsuit and a few good books i need to finish. hell, i think i could just get away with my swimsuit and the clothes i need for the big date since all i ever wear when i'm there are his boxers and tshirts and my own skin.

i dunno why i feel this way today... i haven't felt this way through this whole thing.
about 2 centimeters from cracking.
about 2 centimeters from laughing.
i'm so on the edge, so walking that line.

let me have some payback, let me have some justice.... that's what i want to scream.
but screaming won't do me any good.
and at this point, i don't think payback will either.
my soul would just drown in the bad karma.
and i don't want a drowning soul right now.

i'm a good girl in a bad place and i feel surrounded by the forces of evil and goodness.
now i just need to weed my garden, to pick out the good and destroy the bad.

late night passing...

2005-06-27T02:01:00.000-05:00

i didn't do a damn thing today...
not really.
i was a slacker and kind of just ran the streets like a wildchild.

tomorrow i have errands to run too.
haircut.
a small thing for work (the bad "w" word) .
then back here to finish these projects of mine.
not any small feat i assure you.

but i have a lot to get done before thursday. thursday is the day i get packing.

so yeah.
i'm starting to get that wind down.
where all the functions in my head are slowing down.

i've got to get something settled in my head pretty clearly.

do you know ?
does anybody know ?

scribbles on paper ...

i used to think i could say,
but lately even that's been hard to...
there are places even i don't go.
sometimes i'm just standing at the edge of the deep end,
looking down in the blue.
it all looks so calm
a million air bubbles between here and there
to drown in.
the things we don't say when we say what we mean..
and i could lose myself in you if you let me
become part of you like air and water
into the deep end
i used to think i could say ...

oh if i can't believe the first time
then i'm begging you to forgive me
there's all this newness in being an object of affection
naked in my own skin
and if ask if i'm beautiful fifty times a day
then forgive and remember
my own secrets of being afraid
of not being enough ...
it's not you i doubt
it is what is within me
or what is without
taken away or stolen by trusted souls
oh if i can't believe the first time ..
tell me one hundred more.

my favorite things ...

2005-06-26T03:49:00.000-05:00

my favorite things today were involved with getting my list done.
i'm a very happy girl. the laundry room is organized and workable and i love it.
i have a wall of boxes of his things waiting for him to pick up. i was very nice and even labelled each box with as much information as i could. his name, the bookcase they came off of, even the author if it was a series or collection. i am so kind.

i packed up 2 boxes of my books that i wanted to keep.
does anyone even care what i kept?
i kept the illustrated guide of the west. i kept a history of the american people by paul johnson. i kept the collected works of william faulkner. i kept the e.m. forster set and the jane austen. i kept the set of world spirituality, religion and philosophy books. i kept the chronicles of narnia.
i kept the biographies of thomas jefferson and catherine of aragon. i kept the collection of world poetry.

and of course, i kept the cookbooks.
as if i will ever use them, but i kept them anyway.
someday i might attempt to become a good cook. we'll have to see if it becomes a goal.

so anyway
i have a definite goal for tomorrow
i know what it is
it's not a very big one and it's one i can get accomplished if i just try hard enough
and it will go a long way in me being ready for what i need to have done when i get back from my vacation.

mmmmmmmmmmmmm vacation
it's so close i can almost feel it.
in one week i have my date.
i could have a shoe crisis but i'm refusing to think about it ... he's either going to like me or he's going to like me.
i don't think at this point he can't not like me.

so the whole point when i sat down here was to write about my favorite things right now...
my list of favorite things...
because i had them all picked out and everything and then

an den
an den

no more an den

i forgot
night :)

useful information from the little red book

2005-06-25T11:15:00.000-05:00

it's amazing what scientists will spend money to study.
i just read in "the little red book" produced each year by "the week" that scientists have found that serotonin levels in the brain do fluctuate when people are in love, thus it is true that being in love does make you crazy.

okay, we needed a study to prove that?

hmmmm ...
so let's see, being in love impairs decision making and makes you unable to think...
so why don't we ticket people for driving when they are in love and have an accident just like we do when they drink and drive? i mean, after all, they are impaired.

more nonsense they needed to study...
pot smokers get lung cancer just like cigarette smokers.
hmm. let's see... i think regardless of the substance, isn't it all a bunch of toxins and carcinogens going into your lungs and other systems? no, i can't see the common sense factor there at all.

two studies i found interesting and comical ...
why men are afraid of committing to marriage, now this one was laughable.
one study found that men who won't get married say that they won't because they are able to get sex without getting married so marriage holds no advantage for them. oh my god, i can't believe it ! you mean what grandma said about "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" was really true ??????? i guess so granny. and they have proven it now.

the second study said that most men don't get married because they are looking for their "soulmate" and that they don't view women who they meet in bars or who have sex with them before the 5th date to be marriage material.

okay... back the truck up.

study one indicates they want sex ... study two indicates in order to marry they don't want sex.

exactly what the fuck is it that men really do want?

all i can think of is that they really must have studied some weird control groups of men for these "scientific findings".

it's all pretty laughable isn't it? we have big issues like cancer and ms and other diseases and our scientists are doing love research and research on why men are non committal.

i did glean one key bit of information from the little red book, a little article on "how to sulk".
apparently, there are 3 important steps to good sulking, which the little red book calls an "emotional strike action".

step 1: out of sight is out of mind. you can stay in the same room but you have to ignore the other person and pretend nobody else is there. (yeah, i can do this pretty well)

step 2: do not have any eye contact with the person you are sulking against. this is bad. if they do something that might make you laugh or smile then you have lost. and once you have unsulked, you cannot resulk.

step 3: a sulk can last anywhere from 7 minutes to 7 years. According to the London Guardian, you should only stop sulking when you have achieved the perfect blend of complete attention, physical reassurance, and a major admission of guilt and selfishness.

okay, now stop and ask yourself... did they really need to print these directions for any woman in the world?

didn't think so *smirk*

just words i wanted to say but never had the chance

2005-06-25T01:59:00.000-05:00

i do believe in karma.
there has to be some kind of cosmic payback system in place in the universe or it would all be fucked up, so i do believe, i so believe that those who have wronged be will get theirs in the end.

but still i wish, i wish, i wish i was brazen enough or bold enough or brave enough to just say what i want when i should.
maybe it's for the best that i can't or that i don't. but sometimes i think it would just be so good to be able to say what i mean without having to choose my words so carefully. that's old habit. being raised to choose your words so carefully that you don't cause a huge "family discussion" or some other big ordeal. or choosing my words so carefully that i didn't piss off the husband at the time.

fuck that.
i'm sicking of choosing my words carefully.
i want to say what i want, when i want, and i want to mean it.

goddamn. sometimes i get so eaten up by the things that i wanted to say but i never did. it's like i need some huge purge, i just want to scream...

fuck you for never listening to me
fuck you for never seeing who i was
fuck you for never appreciating me
fuck you for lying.
fuck you for thinking i was too stupid to recognize what you did to me.
fuck you for thinking i was too stupid to ever call you on it .
fuck you for running out on your responsibilities.
fuck you for never having time for me.
fuck you for making me feel worthless.
fuck you for making me feel less than beautiful and sexy.
fuck you for taking away that part of me that belonged to me.
fuck you for making me feel so stupid that i question everything i do now.
fuck you for making me question how someone else could love me, show me affection or even find me worthy.
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

i've heard enough lies from enough men to last me four dozen life times.

i want to hear some truth.

what's wrong with the truth?

i'm pissy and i'm irritable right now.

and i'm not very good at being either one.

and lately it seems like all i do is bitch.

there are two choices the way i see it, crawl off and die and stand and fight. that's it. there's nothing in between.

i'm going to bed now
i want to wake up to a better tomorrow.
i really think i deserve one someday.

and i'm saying right now, that tomorrow, anyone, and i mean ANYONE that pisses me off or rains on my parade will not have the pleasure of my company.

on building things

2005-06-24T12:03:00.000-05:00

well it's 9:33 am

i think i may have already spoiled the day, though i hope not.
i did something i rarely ever do... i got up and walked the dog and crawled right back into bed and slept for another hour. it sure seemed like a great idea at the time since i couldn't keep my eyes open. i even had two sips of the magic coffee elixir and nothing jumped, no hike in pulse or other systems... so i thought another hour of sandman sleep wouldn't hurt me a bit.

the thing about going back to bed is that i like to get up early and get a start on the day.
now wait, i know, you are confused. you are thinking, but this chick bitches all the time about people waking her up too early... okay, yes, but there is a distinct difference in waking up early on your own and waking up early to a rude phone call. so this morning i woke up early on my own and decided i still wasn't ready to get up.

i have a hellacious task in front of me today.
i have broken it down into a list, because i can't do anything without some kind of ordered list. it's a side effect of the boyfriend i think, the lists. his way of helping me handle tasks that seem overwhelming is to get me to sit down and make a list to plan things out, and i have to say, it really is helping. at least on paper the things appear to be doable and not so damn overwhelming and scary.

i have to put together a small filing cabinet today.
it's oak and has a lock and it shouldn't be that hard of a project.
his advice (since he is mr fix it and i mean this literally, my god the man could build a house with a roll of duct tape, a hammer and a drill) was to lay all the pieces out, get all my materials ready and sit down and actually read the directions before i begin.

it's laughable... actually reading the directions first ????
hahahahaha... well of course i will, i'm not the soon to be ex. he never read directions for anything. i, of course, am an honors student, 3.98 in undergrad and a perfect 4.0 in grad school so far, of course i will read the directions.

now of course, (and at this i laugh heartily) it doesn't mean i will understand any of them.

i am not mechanically inclined.
never have been, doubtful that i ever will be.
i don't know even simple things that i should know... like how to change a tire, or how to screw in something with a drill (even though i did use the drill to help mount the dartboard) but really and truly, my ability to do spatial tasks and tasks that involve me to think about things in clean lines and schematics baffle me.

and you know the soon to be ex offered to put the damn thing together yesterday, i'm sure i mentioned that, but i stubbornly refused. the sweet boyfriend and joolz and gilly would be sorely disappointed if i wimped out and let him do it for me. and for several reasons i'm not going to let him do it.

1. because he will fuck it up and it will be shoddy craftsmanship
2. because it will then become a situation where "i need him"
3. because it will then become a situation where "i owe him"
4. because it will show a complete lack of faith in my ability to be a strong independent woman

so the file cabinet is just one of the things on the list, but it's a necessary thing because i'm getting rid of the two icky nasty broken down pieces of file cabinet crap that we have now and taking them curbside.

then ... and this will really get him in the cajones... i'm packing up one whole bookcase of his books. his precious books. one whole bookcase is probably close to 200 books that i will pack up, put a label on and tell him to come pick up so they can be removed from MY HOUSE.

once that is done then i can start my mad scientist project on the reorganization of the laundry room.

so i am guessing that this file cabinet is going to take roughly 90 minutes to put together and past that i can get the rest done in 3 hours. that's not too bad. so with breaks in there ...5 hours of solid work to get everything done i need done.

i'm thinking one more cup of coffe and that will be it. i'll have enough energy and be awake enough to translate directions.

i'll update on progress later... hopefully i won't break anything or throw anything at anyone in the meantime :)

fortune, oh fortune

2005-06-24T02:01:00.000-05:00

fortune tellers and charismatic pentecostal preachers both do the same thing to me, they make me weep. i'm impressionable. i mean it's could be because my soul is open and anything special happened. it just happens to be that the last time i saw either a fortune teller or a pentecostal preacher i was in just the right place emotionally to weep when given an outlet of a centimeter. this is the reason i both want to go to a voodoo ceremony and yet at the same time am terrified to even be witness to one.

i have been to many a witch and psychic.
i have been to many a collared priest and non collared preacher.
some have been helpful and some have been not.
and still i get the same result, i wept.

i wept in salem when i finally got to see the witch who told me that the man i thought would break my heart, would indeed break it and break it soon. (she was right, and i knew it anyway because he wasn't right and i wasn't right and the whole thing wasn't right)
how did she even know he was married?
i think it's me maybe.
i give too much away?

i cried when diane, the psychic cajun sister told me that i give too much to too many people. and i wondered how she knew that a man i had trusted would betray me and soon. (could it be they tell that to every woman because in a high percentage of cases it's true or possibly true?)

i'm sure some will argue it's a con.
argue what you will.
they say religion is a con too, and if so then it's one of the oldest ones going.

so i started reading my own fortune a long time ago, somewhere around 20 years i guess. and i am amazingly accurate at it, but again it's all an interpretation of cards ...
but i do believe in them, i do believe that sometimes those little cards can give you a clue of what's to come. and after reading my fortune tonight, i'm certain of it.

it revealed 3 things i already knew

that the current situation was the coming and going of misfortune and unrest
that my fears are basically a fear of the unknown in myself and a fear of discord
and that my hopes are for great haste, great hopes, great love, letters of love, and a journey by air.

the final outcome card, how appropriate, the hanged man, whose interpretation reads:

"In spiritual matters, wisdom, prophetic power. A pause in one's life, suspended decisions. Surrender leads to the transformation of the personality. Material temptation is conquered."

if you take that card into consideration with my other cards, it means that at the end of this divorce, at the end of all this change, i will have a break in my life where i will have some peace. and it also means if i can survive it intact, which i will, i will be the stronger for it because i will have learned to live without those "things" we all think we need so much.

i feel all the better for having read my fortune tonight.
i've been wanting to do it and putting it off because i've been wondering, just what would the cards say?
and did the boy come into the cards ?
of course he did.

he was the card that covered mine
a man with a message, an invitation, a proposition...

i'm going to bed happy now, and i'm not going to think much about tomorrow.
i feel pretty secure with the future.

grrrrrrrrr

2005-06-23T11:13:00.000-05:00

well today is the the day.
fuckface is coming over today to supposedly "help" me get the online bill pay situation under control and to get the paperwork to go get the cars reregistered and new tags for them.

i seriously hate him right now.
we had a phone conversation yesterday when i was shredding all the nonsense bullshit papers from our files, and to be honest, i was in no frame of mind to talk to his stupida ass, and the whole thing went south in a hurry.
i basically told him... "you need to find a job and get your sorry ass to work or i will be forced to get a second job to feed your children"

yes, i know, it was a little extreme.
but for christs sake, i'm paying my personal bills, the household bills and HIS personal bills now and it's all too much. he need some little job just for the sake of taking responsibility for his own bills.

you know, i keep thinking how i got screwed in all this.
why couldn't i have been the one to just walk and not have to pay a damn thing?
oh wait, i know. because i am the responsible adult here.

he actually had the nerve for all of 45 seconds yesterday to attempt to lecture me on the way i spend money. i shut him down. i don't think he wanted to hear me scream about how i spend my money on necessities like groceries and toilet paper.

he's supposed to be here between 10 and 11 ....
i wonder if there is enough time for a xanax to kick in before he gets here and not let it ruin my whole day?

nope.
wrong again.
he's supposed to be here between 10 and 11 and here it is 9:13 and he's knockin on the door.

later people.

tender little playlists

2005-06-22T23:12:00.000-05:00

"if i could baby i'd give you my world, how can i if you won't take it from me..."
go your own way, fleetwood mac

just a musical commentary...
yesterday i was at applebee's and i heard this cheesy rendition of one of my favorite songs of the moment "go your own way", and it was being badly sung by Wilson Phillips and i wanted to puke. nobody can belt that out like lindsay buckingham, and the best version of it i have found is on 'the dance' cd.

i mean my god, he was singing those words to stevie nicks after he was done with their relationship, you have to be able to feel the bitterness of some of his words. i'm sorry but the little golden girls just don't have the venom of a broken heart to do it justice.

i have been thinking a lot about music in the last half hour or so.
trying to match the playlist on my player to the playlist in my mind.
you know it does work, and everybody does it.

the last time we made love to the playlist it was sooooooooooooo good.
it was so different.
it was special.
there was a certain rhythm about it and it was good.

something else happened then besides that rhythm...
quite possibly the most erotic thing a man has ever done to me in my life.
and i didn't outright say it ...
but i said it to him in a way that let him know it was one of those things that just took my breathe away and yet i couldn't talk about it in words that would make sense to anyone other than me ...
it's such a tender, secret thing.

and it's such a little thing too.
it probably wouldn't mean a thing to any other woman in the world but me.
we all have our mysteries.

it's early now and i am going to bed i think.

i love you day

2005-06-22T11:36:00.000-05:00

today is a special day ...
so no tears, no worries, no stress, no being sad, no getting mad over exes....

there will be nothing that i will allow in my life today to take away from the specialness of this very important day.

it is "i love you" day.

one year ago today is the day that my sweet boyfriend and i finally got around to saying "i love you" to each other for the very first time.

it is kind of sweet how it happened the very first time.
we were both waiting for the other person to say it first because neither one of us wanted to be out there all alone with those words just hanging, even though we both knew that was how we felt, there was still a little fear ... will he say it too? will she say it back? will he mean it the way i do? will she mean it the way i want her to?

i was in serious crush with the boy. i crushed on him morning, noon and night. still do, actually. i'm still crazy over the moon in love with him.

actually i'm more in love with him now because i know the person he is a whole lot better than when those 3 little words escaped from my lips for the very first time.

i know what he wants now, what he wants tomorrow, what he wants when he's 90.
i know who he has been. i know what his dreams are at night and i know who he dreams of.

he told me a year ago today "funny thing, love, little beast snuck up on me."
and i asked him "but do you like it"
his response "very much so"

and a year later here we are, very much so in love on i love you day.

i want to be with him today.

to really be with him in the flesh, to hold him and kiss him and tell him "i love you" so i can look in his eyes and see it. but it can't be that way today.

so i will wait the required 9 more days until i can take flight and land somewhere in a southeastern state in a little airport, where at the end of a concourse he will be waiting with a smile on his face, open arms, and a pocketful of candy for his midwest girl.

more final please

2005-06-21T20:19:00.000-05:00

"don't confront me with my failures, i had not forgotten them..." these days, jackson browne

my brother said he went from a 38inch waist back to a 34 with the "gin dry" diet.
he said drinking all that water was fucking him up, so he had to dry it up with gin and bam he lost weight.

i think i'm on the "my soon to be ex husband gives me the shits" diet.
sorry to be blunt, but that's the way it is.
i feel like i should be able to get some kind of doctor's note not to have to deal with him, but that's quite impossible since we have these two children. make a note married people who have no children, think about it long and hard and don't bank on it to save a marriage. once you have a child with someone they become a key on your keychain you just can't ever get rid of.

and it wasn't anything really that he said or did. well it was kinda. it's his whole demeanor of looking like he's going to stroke out one minute or just hang dog and cry the next. drop her off and leave already. but he can't.

i'm sitting here with a fresh batch of tears.
and so thankful i had the foresight to buy more tissue.

"i wanna know what became of the changes we waited for love to bring, were they only the fitful dreams of some greater awakening..." jackson browne, the pretender

i just want to sit here right now
but not sit here
i need to be distracted
i need to not sit here and think of how fucked up my life is because if i do that right now i'm in the mode of it being my fault.

all three j's were my fault, every single one of them bad bad ideas.
i think i live my life in relative safety, but i have had the premonition that i will suffer harm at the hand of an evil man.
a j every one.

i can't get hung up on the alphabet now.

my father would say to look at the numbers.

i think it's a good thing i get out of here for 11 days.
i need to be away from him and he needs to be away from me... and we need to make this more final ... i can't have this anymore.

i'm playing the numbers this time.

no ice cream for you !

2005-06-21T11:37:00.000-05:00

it's kinda funny how when you begin to worry about other people you stop thinking about yourself.

i have been so self absorbed lately that i haven't taken the time to notice the little problems in other people's lives. and that makes me feel a little guilty. typically i am not that kind of person at all. if a friend is in need then i am always available to try to help in anyway i can. and right now i know someone who is just like me, with a little much on their plate and i feel a bad because not only do i feel like i've added to what is on their plate, i feel like i haven't been a very good person in regard to helping them clear the mess on the table. i'm going to will myself to do a better job at worrying less about me and my outcome. worrying about myself never seems to do much good anyway. and maybe putting my good thoughts into someone else right now will send a certain amount of good karma my way.

i am supposed to go out today for a "girls" lunch with someone i work with. having summers off is a great adventure and it makes good fun to get together with people you haven't seen in a month to catch up and talk and chit chat about what's been going on. and to tell you the truth, i'm looking forward to adult company with someone who is not related to me. we can bitch about what a dickwad our boss is and how we will despise having to see him come august and talk about how we really don't care what he says or does in his anal retentive fashion. yes, i think it's going to be good.

we had an ice cream emergency last night around 10:30. the youngest child came running into my room at full speed... "we have nothing but women living in this house now and still there is nothing sweet to eat!!!!!!!!! we must go to sonic and get a junior banana split right now !"

i think she has pms.

so into the car in pajamas we went. sonic sucks by the way, at least the one by my house does. we get there, push the little red button, only to be told that they are out of ice cream. how the fuck does sonic run out of ice cream??? so the next best option that late at night was a convenience store, still in our pj's, a quick run in and a quick run out to get that little candy bar to calm the savage 11 year old. i have to admit that the candy bar at 11 pm was pretty damn tasty. and who the fuck cares if i was out in my pjs? i have no one to tell me not to be, and at my age i'm sure i can decide if pj's are appropriate attire for late night traveling.

and yes, i know, i'm not the mom of the year for letting an 11 year old have a candy bar at 11 at night. but guess what? it's her summer vacation too. it's the time of year where if she wants to stay up all night she can, and if she wants a candy bar at 11 she should be able to have one.

i don't want to be a mother who tells my girls "no you can't have what you really want because society says you can't and if i let you that will mean society says i'm a bad mother"

fuck society. they don't live in my house. they don't pay my bills or raise my kids.

and i certainly never intend to be the kind of mother who tells them "if you eat after 8pm it will go straight to your hips" whose beauty standard does that reasoning work off of? i know, i know, there is probably some logic and health reason for it, but still, i'm not going to raise anorexic or bulimic little girls who struggle their whole lives to be what television or magazines say they should be. instead i am going to teach them my mantra "fuck your fascist beauty standards".

it took me to the age of 35 to be comfortable in my own skin. god, i do not want that for them. i want them to be comfortable in their own skin for all of their lives and proud of who they are. i want them walk with their head held high and their shoulders back, not looking down at their own two feet all the time.

you know it's funny now to think back.
35 was the beginnining of my own personal sexual revolution.
i traded in mommy panties for thongs and sexy boy shorts and started really taking stock in how sexy 35 can be.

at 36 i decided that just because my husband didn't want sex didn't mean i had to stop having sex too.

at 37 i met the most incredible man in the world who showed me that love wasn't a bad four letter word and that there was more to life than just 3 meals a day and watching the evening news and going to bed promptly at 9:30. i also found out at 37 that all forms of sex can be good, well not just good, but great ! and, i found out that i want more of it!

i wonder what 38 will bring? it's only a few weeks away now. i swear if i get an AARP flyer i will shoot someone.

shhhh don't tell .... it's all girly

2005-06-20T16:49:00.000-05:00

i think right now i'm more insane than my 13 year old was when she got to go to her first dance at school.

and it's all because ....
are you ready...
it's so insanely high school ...
so totally not me at all ...

i just want to look beautiful for the 2nd day of july !

i can't find just the *right* dress or just the *right* shoes for this event (a wedding) and it's driving me crazy.

and why do i care so much?

well it's like my first *real* date with my boyfriend.

yes i know we've had every kind of sex any one can imagine and swapped every body fluid known to man ... and worked out our future plans to everywhere... but still ...

it's a *real* date.

is there anything so awful about being nearly 38 and wanting to look beautiful for a special boy?

god i hope not. if so, i'm just going to give up being a girl altogether.

but sssssshhhhhhh don't tell him how nervous i am ...
i still want to be able to be a little girly, even if i am nearly 38.

ooooooooh and a note to you if you've commented on my blog ... thanks :)

big ass can of hairspray and love

2005-06-20T01:23:00.000-05:00

one of the best things about this pending divorce is the amount of time i have been spending with my children. i guess that's the way it is, and the way it will be. he is gone so all the parenting is now my responsibility. and it's good the amount of time we have been spending together because we spend it laughing and having a good time, and sometimes we spend it talking about how we feel.

my baby is the only one home with me at the moment. she is nearly 11 and she has one of those kind of personalities where i would like her and want to spend time with her even if she weren't my kiddo.

tonight we are killing flies with a bigass can of hairspray. somehow one of those nasty big freakish flies got in the house, the kind that zoom past you like an air force jet and make that loud buzzzzzzzzzz in your ear that makes you crazy. anyway, i don't have a flyswatter and i couldn't get it with a magazine, so i have the next best thing, the big ass can of hairspray as my 11 year old calls it. she actually measured it with the measuring tape, this can of shaper hair spray is 13 1/2 inches tall. now why i need that big of a can of hairspray at one time i do not know. surely i didn't buy it just to kill flies and wasps.

you know the whole idea of killing flies with hairspray is cruel.
you just let them fly near enough to you to get a good spray and *poof* their wings get all sticky and gummed together and they can't fly anymore. the better the airspray, the stickier they are and the quicker they will fall. hairspray is excellent for wasps too, the same principle applies.

i learned all this because of my phobia of flying bugs, when in a pinch any method of killing them will do.

so today was father's day and he took the kidlet to the local theme park.
they had a good time, i guess she wore him out and he foolishly rode all the rides.
foolish, foolish man.
then he decided he was in a mood to come back here and tell me what bills he was going to pay when and if he finally ever got a job. he actually tried to fuss with me over one of the bills. i wanted to say "back up buddy, i've been paying all the bills for the better part of two years, so i think you can pay whatever the judge says"
but i didn't.
i was good and calm and really ...
i just wanted him the fuck out of my house.

we were talking tonight (we being julia, gilly, the sweet boyfriend and i)
about being in love to the point of being strung out on somebody.
the bad kind of love that beats you down, the abusive kind of love that makes you like a junkie. i think most people have been in "love" like that at least once in their lives. the kind of love that makes you sick at the same time you think it makes you all well.

those people we have loved like that...
where do they get off ?
where do they get off playing with our heads and hearts for lack of something better to do?
they decide to call you to reward you and withhold their affection to punish you for whatever you've done that was wrong. and in the meantime you spoon your soul out on the table and sift through it looking for some piece of you that is so special it will make that person fall in love with you so completely that the games will all cease to be.
but it never happens.

i'm so glad i will never be in that cycle again.
i'm so glad i will never know false love again.
i'm so grateful i will never have to question the words "i love you" when they are said to me.
i'm infinitely grateful i will never be put in the position to have to ask him "do you love me?" and try to pry his love from him with a crowbar.

i am tired of being punished by "love"
living in a place where the words "i love you" mean something else entirely. i want to hear them the way my boy says them because i know he means them. i know he means exactly what he says, that he loves me but that its more than just i love you, it's all the implied warranties and clauses that come with it.

i'm addicted to him,
but thankfully he's not in short supply so i'm not a love junkie.

late saturday nights

2005-06-19T02:48:00.000-05:00

i'm watching a very old saturday night live rerun ...
with gilda radner, she's doing emily latella and a bit about "endangered feces"
a long time ago back in the beginning days of showtime and hbo she did a comedy special and it was just fabulous. she did all of her best characters. i think i was 12 or 13 when i realized what a comic genius she was.

my mind is playing pinball tonight. bouncing round and round.
i'm waiting for the medicines to hit the right pockets so i can kick in to sleep gear.
i worked hard enough today to be able to sleep. i reorganized the sanctuary, including moving every piece of furniture save the desk. moving a queen size bed by yourself isn't exactly an easy chore but hey, i'm a woman and i can manage it.

i'm all happy i got a great deal on a new office chair and i don't have to just sit on the bed to use the laptop anymore, i can actually use the desk. things are looking up.

my friend joolz told me to burn sage to purify my space. i think i'm going to do just that.

night kids.

a note

2005-06-18T19:27:00.000-05:00

forgive me if i didn't want to crawl in the grave and die with you.
signed,
your soon to be ex wife