that well

why does diet coke with lime make me yearn for tequila?

sometimes i think i have some weird syndrome that just causes bits and pieces of memory of puke to surge forth at the most inappropriate times. i don't know what that is. maybe it's this disease and maybe it's something else. i'm not a person who lives in the past, and i'm not a person who clings to it. well, i really don't think i am. but there are just days when i feel like i need to purge myself of the overflow of some deep well where i've stored all the time, people and places that have ever hurt me. and sometimes it just happens that one drop added is too many and the well overflows.

i don't know what it is, or even how to explain it. sometimes it makes me feel better and sometimes it makes me feel worse.

there are things i'm angry with myself about right now. like some shit i can't let go of and i don't fucking get why. i'm intelligent and capable, why can't i just let the well dry up?

i can't.
so instead in my head i have little tirades where i say all these mean and horrible things
god i feel like i'm hearing voices now, but it's the same old voices
it's not like that at all

but right now hootie is on
and all i can think about is the last time i fucked him to this song and how much i want to fuck him right now ...

and yeah i used the f word in my blog
blow me
how's that for tourrette's?

it's so far in my head
i finally get it... is this the karma you had in mind? that i would finally realize that i only felt how i made others feel? that the time so precious to me was so precious to someone else and i didn't get how i controlled the clock? is this the lesson i'm supposed to learn? i guess i get it. so is this the punishment, being so fucking annoyed now and so fucking bothered and unable to say it? and are you telling me that i unknowingly shared that personal heaven and hell? i guess i can get it.

funny thing about me though
i'm so much like my dad in believin in karma
but so much like my mother ...
i'm such a spiteful bitch