loverly blues

it's hard to understand sometimes what happens in my head to make the blues click in, but tonight they seem here to stay.

it's the restless kind of blues too.
the kind where i want to do something, can't do what i want, and won't do what i can do (mostly because it's all stuff that would turn out to be bad for me), and i don't know what the fuck i want to do. at least i'm smart enough to know what's bad for me when i'm this way. the good doctor would say that's a step in the right direction and i'm at least maintaining some control. control in this situation is good. and yet, it makes me miserable.

i wish i debra was still my friend.
but you know, fairweather friends aren't really. it's just that tonight i wouldn't mind her calling me up to go to that club downtown to just get lost in a good band and enough alcohol to forget my own name.

you could hide beside me maybe for a while and i won't tell your name ....Name... goo goo dolls

i guess that's kinda how i feel tonight. i really don't want anyone to know my name. there's a certain freedom in nobody knowing your name. you can be whatever you want, or nothing at all. right now i feel like being nothing at all.

maybe it's because life is too demanding right now?

maybe it's because i have a case of lover's blues?
a week ago tonight i was with him. it's not fair and it won't be til it is. and i can't change it and i hate it that i can't... that only fate and time can. and you can't rush either one.

so i guess right now i'm going to call him on the phone and watch the race ...
because it's the next best thing to what i REALLY want to do ...

peace