brown paper bag

i feel like a brown paper bag

just plain and crumpled up like someone brought the groceries home in and just stuffed the bag down in the trash without folding it up ....

i don't feel sorry for myself
i'm not sad and melancholy
i just don't feel very good about myself right now
i can't describe it and it's not a very good feeling

i'm so angry ...
it's so deceiving when i'm angry because it's so much worse on the inside.
in my head is are a host of voices
and one wants to scream ... just fucking scream
and one wants to rage on in mutterances at the world
one just wants to say "fuckkkkkkkkkkkk"
and then there are those that are so scripted and bitter and vile
"oh what i wouldn't say to you given half a chance... "

and i'm so full of it
this anger
because so much of it is suppressed
goddamn i'm so fucking angry at so many people
i have so many things i want to say to them
from so long ago all the way up to now ...

it's all that shit i can't say because i don't have a chance now
or
because i just feel like i can't for whatever reason ... i just wasn't brought up to be mean and so what would it serve to be ugly ... just to make someone else feel like a brown paper bag .... or because i'm a chicken shit ... whatever i don't fucking care how you judge me

but damn it
there comes a time when you've just been put upon
one too many times

maybe if i just indulge those little voices and just let them out ...
fucking just talk to myself just one more time ....
or better yet talk to the demons just one more time

but right now i'm gonna talk to my good friend julia instead ... because that's what friends are for