sweet spots and murky water

*smoochies to my friend miss julia for being a good friend.

i'm tryin to sort past all this rage and i think i'm to the point where it's just still.
i know what i need. i need release and there is only one place outside my head i can even come close to getting the kind of release i need and i don't get that til thursday. that sweet spot.

everybody needs a sweet spot. it's the spot you feel the safest in and the place you feel the most wonderful in. it's better than your happy place. your happy place is imaginary, your sweet spot is the real deal. and thursday i'm going to my sweet spot. the place i'm happiest on earth. and i will be able to let go of this rage and anger and all these bad feelings. i just gotta fly.

too many heavy things are on my mind lately.

how can i describe it to somebody who isn't bipolar?
it's the feeling of being in water up to your waist and when you look down and things are good the water is soooooo clear you can see your toes... and then as your head gets heavier the water gets murkier and murkier til you can't see your toes and the water beneath your waist is all black.... and the point becomes whether or not the water rises.

well all this rage has made the water a little murky lately.
and my head is spinning hence the 8 day string of on and off again headaches.
worrying, forever worrying. and worrying leads to self doubt and other wasted emotion.

love peace and happiness is what i should focus on. i keep sayin it, it should be true. it's kinda hard to do when you feel like you are living in hell sometimes.

so i'll just keep writing all these bitter words i have... random words of rage


well i hear you're sorry now
about the way things worked out
it's too late to come back running
when the crowd has dealt you out
just remember when it's not too late
the ones you loved were the ones you hate
just remember when your not too drunk
the ones you count on are the ones you fuck
well i hear my name is all over town
because you're out running 'round
just remember when it's not too hard
the ones you left were the ones who tried
just remember when your not too sick
it's all a matter of who you picked.

i could have been your everything
when we were all alone
i don't know why you shook me out
but it wears me and tears me up
rings me sideways now
just to know

i could have been your something
when we were somebody
those words
all your words were lies
i could have been just some fling
and i was stupid just to stay
just to say ...
anything

i don't know why you took me home
but it kills me now and rips me up
leaves me hanging out
just to know
i could have been.... anything.