the lady calls time out
i took a rest today, from work, from overanalyzing (well, i wish that were 100% true), but from the kind of overanalyzing that makes my brain hurt. i ran around and got my errands done, i got milk in the house, finally. i got things we needed from the store. i watched the race. and my wonderful boyfriend actually called me, at my number, on my phone, which may not seem like much, but considering where we've been, it's huge.
i've been off my topaxmax for two days now. this is very bad because it is the one that prevents the rapid cycling and mood swings in my head. but, good news, i have it now and i took it tonight and i should be better tomorrow. 2 days is enough to affect me but not enough to whack it out of my bloodstream completely i don't think.
i know the lack of it, hormones and sheer exhaustion have caused a lot of grief for me the past two days. i can't communicate effectively. anything and everything i've tried to say ended out fucked up for a while it seemed. i would be up one minute and then i would be crying the next over little things that don't amount to anything at all.
it's easy to get paranoid in my situation and i feel like i'm toeing the line a bit in regard to a couple of things. the paranoia creeps in and tells me that i'm overburdening already taxed people i love with my histrionics. i need to just let shit go. but the problem is, in my brain it's nearly impossible sometimes to just let stuff go until it is resolved and tucked away. that has made me horrible company for the people i love these past few days.
you know though, no matter how wonky i get, i'm still pretty fucking amazing. 99% of the people with what i have would have been hospitalized by now if they had to deal with the stress i've had to deal with since the 6th of june. my doctor told me that. he's impressed with my strength.
tonight i couldn't help it though, i wasn't so strong. i cried on the phone when i talked to my boyfriend because i got overwhelmed when i was talking about all this work i've been doing and how fucked up the finances are based on what the soon to be ex did. sometimes i do get overwhelmed by it all. and i'm trying, i really really am trying not to lay all that on my boy and all my friends. and then i get paranoid that i'm just a whiny baby and i feel like checking out for a while until i feel like people aren't so sick of me. but that is just what the things in my head want me to do because checking out would only lead to bitter self examination and the accompanying depression ... i never intend to be in that cycle again.
so it's hard right now. it's hard to feel like everything you say or do is the wrong thing, and it's hard to feel so needy about that because i can't rely on anyone to fill that need but me. so this week it's going to be all about feeling that need, and i can promise you that next sunday night when i'm getting ready to go back to work after this momentous break, i will be doing so from my newly renovated living room. and no, it won't be perfect, but it will be what i want and what i need and i'll be happy with that. because after all, i'm not aiming for perfection for anybody else, i only have myself to please and from where i've been to where i will be, i will be mighty pleased if i get there.
and as for getting so far inside my head that i can't crawl out... i'm going to be way to busy for that this week. so i'm banishing all those stupid demons for a little while, just until i can feel strong enough to say, i did it and i can beat you... bring a lunch and stay all day.
peace kids... i'm crashed.
i've been off my topaxmax for two days now. this is very bad because it is the one that prevents the rapid cycling and mood swings in my head. but, good news, i have it now and i took it tonight and i should be better tomorrow. 2 days is enough to affect me but not enough to whack it out of my bloodstream completely i don't think.
i know the lack of it, hormones and sheer exhaustion have caused a lot of grief for me the past two days. i can't communicate effectively. anything and everything i've tried to say ended out fucked up for a while it seemed. i would be up one minute and then i would be crying the next over little things that don't amount to anything at all.
it's easy to get paranoid in my situation and i feel like i'm toeing the line a bit in regard to a couple of things. the paranoia creeps in and tells me that i'm overburdening already taxed people i love with my histrionics. i need to just let shit go. but the problem is, in my brain it's nearly impossible sometimes to just let stuff go until it is resolved and tucked away. that has made me horrible company for the people i love these past few days.
you know though, no matter how wonky i get, i'm still pretty fucking amazing. 99% of the people with what i have would have been hospitalized by now if they had to deal with the stress i've had to deal with since the 6th of june. my doctor told me that. he's impressed with my strength.
tonight i couldn't help it though, i wasn't so strong. i cried on the phone when i talked to my boyfriend because i got overwhelmed when i was talking about all this work i've been doing and how fucked up the finances are based on what the soon to be ex did. sometimes i do get overwhelmed by it all. and i'm trying, i really really am trying not to lay all that on my boy and all my friends. and then i get paranoid that i'm just a whiny baby and i feel like checking out for a while until i feel like people aren't so sick of me. but that is just what the things in my head want me to do because checking out would only lead to bitter self examination and the accompanying depression ... i never intend to be in that cycle again.
so it's hard right now. it's hard to feel like everything you say or do is the wrong thing, and it's hard to feel so needy about that because i can't rely on anyone to fill that need but me. so this week it's going to be all about feeling that need, and i can promise you that next sunday night when i'm getting ready to go back to work after this momentous break, i will be doing so from my newly renovated living room. and no, it won't be perfect, but it will be what i want and what i need and i'll be happy with that. because after all, i'm not aiming for perfection for anybody else, i only have myself to please and from where i've been to where i will be, i will be mighty pleased if i get there.
and as for getting so far inside my head that i can't crawl out... i'm going to be way to busy for that this week. so i'm banishing all those stupid demons for a little while, just until i can feel strong enough to say, i did it and i can beat you... bring a lunch and stay all day.
peace kids... i'm crashed.
posted by crazy in kc @ 12:12 AM
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