a mother's love

the nature of a mother's love is the desire to carry the pain of her children and bear their sorrow so that they never feel the loss or sadness of the world. sometimes though, it is impossible to carry their sadness as your own. this week the children suffered a loss that i could not carry for them, no matter how i may want to, or how i may try. they have to learn about the reality of the loss of life in their world and the meaning of grief. their natural father was killed monday night and they are dealing with the trauma of losing him and losing him suddenly, without any warning at all.

they are gone this week with their natural mother to the funeral, a place where i am not welcome to be. his family despised me. they hate me for doing the things that he did not do, for giving these children a good life. they hate me because he hated me and spoke ill of me because i cared for them and loved them and gave them a decent and good home, a home away from alcohol and abuse, a home away from madness. his sudden and tragic passing has made him a saint now and everyone knows what happens when you speak badly of an icon.

it has bothered me more than just a little that i have had no tears to shed for this man. i have none to shed. he was an evil and bad man. he beat women, he played horrible mind games with two innocent children, he used them as pawns for his own gain and he never worked an honest day in his life. he was not a person i could find it in my heart to cry over.

but i have cried for my children, for their loss, that they have had to suffer the pain of sadness that comes from losing someone. no matter what he did, no matter the evil that he produced, he was still their "father" and that biology is something they held in their brains and they could not get over.

i need to pray for strength now. i need to ask for guidance and i need to ask for wisdom. i need to ask for self control. there will be times that i will need to nearly bite my tongue in half to keep from speaking the truth about this man they will make a saint. i need to remind myself that they will find out in time and that they are entitled to whatever memories they have, despite what i know to be fact. they will need love and hugs and understanding and patience. they will need a safe place to have their time of grief and mourning and anger at his passing.

and i, i have to find it within myself to forget and forgive the dead.