now i know

i need to be cleaning my room
and i am going to clean my room
i promise i am .....
right after i have this little time to clear my head and enjoy this fine mind break.

you know how i get these favorite songs and they kinda stick around for a while?
well it was these words by natasha bedingfield, because, well, i love the boy.
but now i'm really into blurry by puddle of mudd because, well, he loves me.

i wonder sometimes if anyone has ever been as neurotic or insane as i am or if i'm even insane at all? maybe i'm just a slow learner or something. i think this because i have these moments of clarity that just seem stupid after i think about them for awhile. like how could i have not known that all along ? or how am i just now realizing this? maybe it's just that it's just now happening for the first time?

i know that makes no sense. but it's just that i had this little epiphany over vacation that he thinks about me when he's sitting in traffic listening to the radio. i am on his mind. i don't know that i've ever been on anybody's mind from this far away, for this long, in the random hours. i think for the first time i feel like an object of affection, like someone who is loved. and it's a wonderful feeling and it's left me feeling a little insane that i didn't really notice before now that he's as wrapped up in me as i am in him.

a woman knows.

well i was never one of those women who knew obviously. i never knew when a man really loved me or i wouldn't have fucked myself twice before being married to the wrong ones. but all of a sudden, it's brilliant and i know. i know now deeeeeeeeee deeeeeeeee deeeeeeeee. sheeeesh.. i get it now.

well i'm going to go do the thing on my list now and work for exactly one hour and 12 minutes.

peaceful new year !