headache rambling

i've had the same headache since wednesday...
today it gave me the dry heaves while i was driving and i burned a hole in my boyfriend's sweater and that made me cry and that made my headache worse which made the dry heaves worse...

i need to get rid of this headache.
my mom wants me to go to the urgent care clinic but if i do that i have to ask someone to drive me there and i don't want to mess up anyone else's saturday. and i'd rather sit here and fucking die than to ask that fat motherfucker from hell to drive me. i guess maybe you can tell where some of my stress is coming from huh?

it's not just him.

it's a whole bunch of shit.
it's work and money and my sister and him.
and it's shit i can't even control.

and it's a mess in my head and it's a mess inside me.
the inside me part where it counts, the me that makes up the me.
i'm unsure and i'm unsettled and i'm uneasy.
once upon a time i was a diva goddess princess ...
and now i feel like the lowliest wench in the land.
i could sit and say i don't know what happened and pretend like i don't know ...
but i do know.

all those bad things that have been said just keep popping up in my head. i hear them all the time. it's a chorus of voices pointing out everything i've ever done wrong ever...

and then the doubt sets in ...

what if my whole existance is a fraud?

everybody thinks i'm this or that or something else

and here i am this horrible person

what happens then?

it's a cycle that never shuts down.
and i wonder why i have this headache.

but writing here has been a little cathartic ... and it has eased a little bit. i'm trying the tips i learned in pain management, that is just to relax, just relax. if your body is relaxed then the blood vessels in your head can do a better job, plus you spend a whole lot less time being tense which is bad for all the muscle groups in your body.

so i'm writing to relax.

maybe just to take my mind of everything i'll write about some nonsense...
how about my opinions ... in case anybody gives a shit...

a song i think you should hear .... autumn leaves by eva cassidy because it's beautiful and calming and she has a great voice ... it's a shame she died so young

a book i think you should read... memnoch the devil by anne rice you could read this even if you weren't an anne rice fan, it's just a different take on heaven and hell and religion... i thought it was good and it made me think

a comedy special i think you should see... eddie izzard dress to kill because it's the funniest thing i've ever seen in my life ... and eddie with eye make up is HOT

a romance i think you should see ... shakespeare in love because it's witty and romantic and calls for kleenex

a british comedy series i think you should try to get your hands on... absolutely fabulous because it's hysterical and it can make you feel like the mother of the year and sane

a sex toy i think you should try... any glass product because it's just that damn good

a sport i think you should try to get into... nascar because everybody needs speed and some of the drivers are hotties (in case you need the extra incentive to watch)

a spa product you should buy yourself heel of approval foot creme from bath and body werks because it's best stuff ever for dry, damaged, overworked feet

i think i could probably rest a little bit now after i finish this smoke. and i'm out of opinions about random stuff anyway. i have lots of other opinions about specific things though but getting my mind off those specific things is what is easing up this headache.

i just have to say it, i have to cut my sister off. i gave her a chance and she fucked it up and i can't afford to give her anymore chances. she is the one who lost her job and i can't support her trips to the bottom of a bottle. she needs to get herself clean and sober and she can't do that if i'm supporting her alcohol habit. so, i have to hold a hard line and my answer to her has to be no.

i'm not a pushover, but holding a hard line is a hard thing for me. it's not that i'm stupid, i guess it's that i'm emotional and caring... no wait... i am a fucking pushover. but i can't be anymore.

and has far as he goes... well that fat fuck better know now.... right fucking now that i'm done taking his shit laying down, i'm coming up fighting. fuck his snide little nasty comments, fuck his nasty remarks, fuck his downright pissy attitude and double fuck all the shit he does to make the kids feel sorry for him. i'm through.

and as far as the stress at work. well the can of worms has been opened on that one, now we just gotta see what happens. there's really nothing that can be done now except wait and see if the head worm gets away.

and money... well, to be reminded of what my daddy once said ... you can always make more money, and if money is all you have to worry about then you don't have anything to worry about. i think he was right.

it's all going to be okay.
and on that note, i think i'll go lay down and nap awhile.