big ass can of hairspray and love

one of the best things about this pending divorce is the amount of time i have been spending with my children. i guess that's the way it is, and the way it will be. he is gone so all the parenting is now my responsibility. and it's good the amount of time we have been spending together because we spend it laughing and having a good time, and sometimes we spend it talking about how we feel.

my baby is the only one home with me at the moment. she is nearly 11 and she has one of those kind of personalities where i would like her and want to spend time with her even if she weren't my kiddo.

tonight we are killing flies with a bigass can of hairspray. somehow one of those nasty big freakish flies got in the house, the kind that zoom past you like an air force jet and make that loud buzzzzzzzzzz in your ear that makes you crazy. anyway, i don't have a flyswatter and i couldn't get it with a magazine, so i have the next best thing, the big ass can of hairspray as my 11 year old calls it. she actually measured it with the measuring tape, this can of shaper hair spray is 13 1/2 inches tall. now why i need that big of a can of hairspray at one time i do not know. surely i didn't buy it just to kill flies and wasps.

you know the whole idea of killing flies with hairspray is cruel.
you just let them fly near enough to you to get a good spray and *poof* their wings get all sticky and gummed together and they can't fly anymore. the better the airspray, the stickier they are and the quicker they will fall. hairspray is excellent for wasps too, the same principle applies.

i learned all this because of my phobia of flying bugs, when in a pinch any method of killing them will do.

so today was father's day and he took the kidlet to the local theme park.
they had a good time, i guess she wore him out and he foolishly rode all the rides.
foolish, foolish man.
then he decided he was in a mood to come back here and tell me what bills he was going to pay when and if he finally ever got a job. he actually tried to fuss with me over one of the bills. i wanted to say "back up buddy, i've been paying all the bills for the better part of two years, so i think you can pay whatever the judge says"
but i didn't.
i was good and calm and really ...
i just wanted him the fuck out of my house.

we were talking tonight (we being julia, gilly, the sweet boyfriend and i)
about being in love to the point of being strung out on somebody.
the bad kind of love that beats you down, the abusive kind of love that makes you like a junkie. i think most people have been in "love" like that at least once in their lives. the kind of love that makes you sick at the same time you think it makes you all well.

those people we have loved like that...
where do they get off ?
where do they get off playing with our heads and hearts for lack of something better to do?
they decide to call you to reward you and withhold their affection to punish you for whatever you've done that was wrong. and in the meantime you spoon your soul out on the table and sift through it looking for some piece of you that is so special it will make that person fall in love with you so completely that the games will all cease to be.
but it never happens.

i'm so glad i will never be in that cycle again.
i'm so glad i will never know false love again.
i'm so grateful i will never have to question the words "i love you" when they are said to me.
i'm infinitely grateful i will never be put in the position to have to ask him "do you love me?" and try to pry his love from him with a crowbar.

i am tired of being punished by "love"
living in a place where the words "i love you" mean something else entirely. i want to hear them the way my boy says them because i know he means them. i know he means exactly what he says, that he loves me but that its more than just i love you, it's all the implied warranties and clauses that come with it.

i'm addicted to him,
but thankfully he's not in short supply so i'm not a love junkie.