rough and rocky roads

the stars are hanging in the sky tonight, clinging to the last errant clouds across the plains. almost like starfish caught in a net. kinda like i was ... just a starfish caught in a net.

this day has been rough, and it has been rocky.
there was one low point in this day when i thought that i should just give up because i couldn't find a point at which to begin. i was so overhwelmed with what needed to be done. and just as i sat down to try to avert a panic attack ... my msn lit up and it was him. and he told me to calm down and he helped me figure out what to do. when he does that i remember the most gentle time in my recent life ... one night when he placed his hand so tenderly on my back and said softly "relax baby, i got your back"

he talked to me and helped me realize that i can do this. the world is not so big and ugly that i cannot deal with it, handle it. the thing he said that hit home was he equated it to what i had achieved at work this year... he compared it to that. he's right. i have a deadline, i have a goal, i need a plan. i'm an adult and i know that results aren't achieved without good planning. i also know that the best way to achieve the results i want is to target specific goals. and he helped me realize this today.

you know it's kind of funny in a way. we play games all the time. we play darts, we play pool, we play dominoes, we play slugbug in the car even. we are grown ups who play games like kids. we are lovingly competitive with silly little bets that mean nothing to the outside world. and he beats me in every game we play, although occasionally i get lucky at slugbug and catch one in camoflauge behind a bush. (ohhhhhhhhh at the end of this entry i'll tell you the best slugbug story ever!!!!!!!) so at any rate, we compete and he beats me at every turn, and i protest he will kiss me and say "you bring out the best in me baby"

now i understand what he means. he brings out the best in me too.

so he talked to me and helped me get things in perspective. and i got started on things outside this house. which did me a world of good. i got the banking done and then i took mom to the doctor and then we picked up chinese. and i did 3 loads of laundry ... and i was productive so it as good. and all this time i was planning and thinking.

i spent some good quality time with my kids. we watched a movie and we talked. we talked about how they felt and i told them it was okay for them to feel how they feel. and i told them that they should never hate him or be mad at him because i was the one who asked him to leave, but i also wanted them to know that i asked him to leave because we were two people who had grown apart and who fought all the time. and do you know... they understood and said amazing things that let me know that there is no anger there, that they have seen and witnessed the many battles of a war that is over finally.

there was only one minor skirmish in this house tonight and it was over a bottle of nail polish, fortunately it was settled quickly.

so this day started rough and ended smoothly and softly.
i feel like that starfish free from the net.
i have a plan now that i can do without being so overwhelmed i can't breathe.

i have the only man in the house asleep in the middle of my bed, the dog, has taken over the bed now that i sleep with the door open. i notice he and i are staying up later because we are unable to sleep. well actually, he sleeps just fine thank you. but if i go to bed at 10 i get up at 3 am and if i go to bed at midnight or one then i will get up at seven, so it's not much sleep either way. but the dog sleeps anyway.

okay so before i go to sleep this slugbug story ...

we were at the post office and i was waiting in the car with the car running, my window was down about 4 or 5 inches and i was listening to the radio just kicking back when a black slugbug pulled into the space next to us. he had locked the doors before he left with instructions to let him in, well now i had reason not to let him in without calling that slugbug on him first so i began to look for him coming out of the post office. apparently i had my head turned a certain way and he came out and i missed him, he snuck up to the side of the car, smacked the back of my head and said "slugbug black on you !" we laughed and laughed because despite my carefully laid plans, he got me anyway. we still laugh about it and it will go down in our history as one of our stories we will remember when we write the books of our lives ...