on strong and independent

again with this crap where the font does exactly what i want and then changes...
i never thought i was a computer idiot before this blog, but oh well.

so on being and a strong and independent woman... well that is step two of the grand scheme or plan. step one was getting him out of here and beginning to declutter. and step two is the continuation of decluttering and mastering all the little overwhelming things.

this is not all that hard.
i can do this, i know i can. i just keep saying that to myself, but not enough sometimes to make the tears stop when they start coming. and i guess that's okay too. you can't control them sometimes, they just come. i do manage though to keep them at bay away from the kids. today i was out for a good 2 hours running errands and i did my crying then in the car between lowe's and the pharmacy and the store. hell, i don't even know what they are for.

that's what sucks.
i don't even know what the fuck i'm crying about.
you know when you are a kid and your parents tell you, "quit crying or i'll give you something to cry about young lady!" or something of the like. i'm not sure i could because i don't even know what i'm crying about.

or worse yet, what emotion is driving it?
rage? sadness? general stress?
i couldn't even say.
i know i get mad.
i get angry because now all of a sudden he's doing these fucking things he should have been doing all along. what does he want for doing what he should have done, a gold star? a pat on the head?
no.
he wants back in here.
so he tells me all these changes he's making and i'm supposed to just think he's great.
i don't think so.

and i did figure out one other thing that's pretty damn interesting.
i had to talk to him tonight for something to do with one of the kids and he was at his folks house where his family could hear his conversation. his brother answered the phone. i thought it interesting that at the end of that conversation i didn't hear " i love you " like i did when it was just him on his cell phone or him in the driveway.

his family thinks i'm an evil bitch now.
as if i care.
they don't know what this was like, they have no idea and i don't care to share with them at the moment.

so this being a strong and independent woman means that i have to do things myself.
i'm going to have to budget my time wisely now. i'm going to have to really plan things now that i'm the only taxi cab for all of us.

it also means that i am going to have to do things myself.
i bought this cabinet for storage, it's a rubbermaid cabinet.
it requires no tools and snaps together. so we will see how it goes.
it's pretty big, it's taller than me, with 5 shelves, but i think i can do it.

and being a strong independent woman means just that .... strong and independent

strong as in i'm going back to the gym to get back to some running regimen by fall.
it's been ages since i've run it seems. i'm going to have to build up to it. but before the fall i'll be strong again.

independent as in i'm going to be doing things myself for myself. i can do these things and i will. i am not afraid of the things the future brings. my present is 100 % better than my past was if i look back to this day a year ago, so many good things have happened.

and when i look to the future ... i'm only seeing that it will get better