on being done

i met him at 1 and dropped off the kids.

he got out of the car and hugged them both and kissed them.
i got out of my car and got his things out of the hatch and while i was getting them he hugged me and told me he was sorry, how it was all his fault...
"i wanted to be the white knight, it was all my fault for doing nothing, i thought i could have this wonderful family and just do nothing..."
i stopped him and said, "it's nobody's fault. things just happen that change us and our lives."
and then i told him "by the way, be forewarned, both of the girls are on their period." and i asked him a banking question and told them all to have a good afternoon

i don't want his guilt. i don't want to be coated with his guilt. i don't want it wrapped around me like cellophane i can't escape from, because to acknowledge his guilt is to accept his pain. i don't and i can't do that right now.

he is in the stage of thinking that saying "i'm sorry it was my fault" will change my mind and i will take him back and he will be right back here again, only this time in a house that i've completely changed in a life that i've fixed. and he's mistaken.

i have an interesting personality.
i will take and take and take ... but then there is a point where i can take no more and that is it. it is done, it is over and i'm finished with it. well, i'm finished. there is no going back. i can't do that now. my eyes are open. i'm not a person who can wake up and go back to sleep. when i'm awake i'm good and awake.

don't get me wrong. he wasn't mean, he was very nice, sincere, apologetic.

but i'm just not able to go there, because at this point it doesn't mean anything ... i'm done.

oh and by the way ... my laundry room looks great
i have a staging area for the garage sale
and i'm meeting my own expectations
it's still a good day, i can't afford to let him stand in my way