a day to rest in unrest

i woke up rudely this morning to a dog barking at 9:30 after i fell asleep finally 3am.
i stumbled to the living room only to find that i have not one extra kid (the one i knew about) but now another extra kid, that i did not know was going to be spending the day here. so now i have 4 children today to be underfoot instead of my usual 2 who can easily entertain themselves or help me when i ask.

and instead of being in my usual good humor about such things, i was a grouch.
no, let me be completely honest, i was a bitch.
and i fussed and i groused that the living room was a freak show and i wanted it picked up and i wanted the mess they made in the kitchen cleaned up. and then the mail came and so without even my first cup of coffee, i put my sunglasses on and grabbed up my keys and went to the bank to make a very important deposit.

so on the way to the bank i called my sweet boyfriend and i cried on the phone a little just because i was tired and still half asleep and cranky and so very sad still from realizing that i just can't afford the things i so wanted to get him for i love you day. and he was his usual wonderful self and he reminded me of how much i have accomplished this week, and he told me not to worry about money, and he told me that if i needed to take a day to myself to get rested up then that's what i should do, just put things on hold for a while, and take a day to wind down.

and he's right you know. i was up til 3 worrying and fretting about this money thing. its not that i don't have enough money to pay my bills, it's just that i don't have enough money to do all those things i want to do ... yet. just yet. but it's okay.... i need to keep thinking about what my dad said all those years ago, "if all you have to worry about is money, then you don't have anything to worry about kid"

i have to stop stressing about this thing and acting like it's a scary monster in the closet. it's just new that's all. nothing has changed really. i was the one paying the bills but i just wasnt paying the bills. i wasn't the one worrying about the budget, i was the one who was just forking the money over. now it's got to be better, it has to be better and it is because at least i know what's going on, i just have to get in my mindset that i can do this just like i have done everything else. and not be afraid. i am not afraid.

i know i'm writing a lot about this lately, but this is my journal and i get to write about whatever is bothering me here without inhibition, so that's the way it is. it's not like i can scream it out or talk with the kids about how much money is bugging me. really, there is noone other than my good friends and my most wonderful boyfriend.

and while i'm on the topic, thank god for gilly and julia. if it wasn't for them to listen to me and hug me when i need it, i don't know what i would do sometimes. i have my wonderful boyfriend, but my good friends help me too. they listen and never judge and they offer something i need so very much right now, they offer the voices of two strong women. they inspire me and help me see that even when i think i'm weak, even when i think i cannot go on one more minute, i can and i will.

goddammit
he just called and came over. he's going to apply for a job and he needed a copy of his resume printed off. so when he talks to me on the phone as he's getting ready to hang up i get this "i love you" and then when he comes i had one of the kids take it out to him, thinking i could be spared having to see him, but no, he sent her right back in to fetch me because he had a question about something that just couldn't wait. so i answered it and said child went back into the house, and after she did as he's pulling out of the driveway he does it again i love you.

what does that even mean now at this point?

look i'm glad he applying for jobs now.
and i'm glad he's bathing.
and i'm glad he's decided to join the human race.
and he's still driving around with his shit in his car as if he thinks i'm going to change my mind tomorrow and call him up and say "just come on back home"

so what did i say when he said "i love you"
absolutely nothing.
i didn't respond. again i became deaf and mute.
what is there to say?
i care about him, i don't wish him any harm. i hope he has a long healthy life and i hope he lives to enjoy our girls for as long as he can and i hope he has good health and good fortune. but i don't love him.

love is reserved for someone else in my life.
love is something sacred and special.
love is all encompassing.
love is being able to put your soul and your whole being in someone else's hands and knowing that you will be cared for and cherished and never harmed.
love is laughing together and crying together and growing together and disagreeing together and still knowing that you are going to wake up the next morning and that person will love you just as much as before if not more.

my mother says he is doing this because he thinks he can just come back here and things will be peachy keen. and she says to engage in talk with him about love of any kind, even explaining to him about how i don't love him will just encourage him even more.

i don't know if she's right or not.
all i know right now is this...
i'm running on about 6 1/2 hours of sleep, i'm emotionally strung out right now, i'm walking a thin line of being fine one moment and tears just rolling down my cheeks the next. i'm sure lack of sleep is part of it, worry about all this overwhelming shit is part of it, and perhaps maybe i'm just a little bit drained from working so hard all week.

i think my boyfriend may be right,
i think i need a day off.