no naps and 1 in the morning notes
one day i got my font to exactly what i wanted it to do then it quit. just like that.
oh well. remember that nap, well i never got to take it. instead i went and made a pitcher of iced tea and had a huge glass of that. no advil, i didn't even look for it. instead i had that tea and i cleared my head by working on some things i needed to do in the house, phone calls i needed to return and other things.
the best call of all being the morning call to my sweet boyfriend when i went out to walk the dog. that's the phone call that kept me awake. i thought to myself, i have so much to do, i can't let a stupid headache get me down. so i got through it the way i should, i just worked right through it.
before i knew it noon had come and gone and i was well on my way.
then he showed up. he came over to get his mail, which was very important, it wasn't something that could wait. but when he was here he did the unthinkable. in his passive aggressive way that he has about him he leaned in when my hands were completely full and kiss my neck. he wouldn't do this if i didn't have both hands full, i know. he would never attempt it. it's just like when he hugged me when i think back on it, i had both hands full.
what the hell is that all about? so i can't push him away?
wait a fucking minute
at first i didn't give this bullshit a second thought
that's the way he is ... he's not going to be aggressive where i fight him off
because how can i fight him off if i'm holding the dog or when my hands are full?
i call that foul
shame on him. that's fucking wrong. i'm not taking that bullshit. so what that means is he likes to see me when i'm vulnerable and i can't fight back and defend myself.
fuck that.
enough with that.
i was feeling like something was wrong with me because i had no emotion over this divorce
because i wasn't crying over him, over the time we spent together.
i'm not sad about it
people, i have to tell you, i cannot be.
this has been bad for so long that i shed all my tears way back when.
these days the only tears i shed are when my children hurt my feelings.
or when i realize that i have wasted a hell of a lot of my life and i can't explain to you how i went from being happy and 17 to fucked up and 37 and where all that time went .. and i realize i am not so young anymore ... but who cares?
or when i realize that the only person taking care of the 3 of us (and to some extent mom) is me, and what an overwhelming feeling that is. i have to think now everytime i use my debit card, what if someone gets sick? or what if something breaks?
i have to start thinking about buying school clothes ... what then?
it's will be okay, it's just a little overwhelming. once i get the hang of it, it will be just fine.
tonight i got the rest of the hedge trimmed.
a nasty vine that was choking some kind of lines to my house trimmed away.
all the clinging vines from around the air conditioner cleared away and i got a tree that was growing too close too the air cut done and killed off. it was good. my lumberjack sister and her boyfriend did it.
and i had a wonderful talk with my sweet boyfriend.
i call him that you know, because he is, sweet.
he is so good and understanding. and he shares the best of plans with me.
and i wish he were here to chaperone the slumber party because i have to sleep now and leave the house to that girl across the street and the sister.
tomorrow is filing cabinet friday !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yayyyyyyyyyy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh well. remember that nap, well i never got to take it. instead i went and made a pitcher of iced tea and had a huge glass of that. no advil, i didn't even look for it. instead i had that tea and i cleared my head by working on some things i needed to do in the house, phone calls i needed to return and other things.
the best call of all being the morning call to my sweet boyfriend when i went out to walk the dog. that's the phone call that kept me awake. i thought to myself, i have so much to do, i can't let a stupid headache get me down. so i got through it the way i should, i just worked right through it.
before i knew it noon had come and gone and i was well on my way.
then he showed up. he came over to get his mail, which was very important, it wasn't something that could wait. but when he was here he did the unthinkable. in his passive aggressive way that he has about him he leaned in when my hands were completely full and kiss my neck. he wouldn't do this if i didn't have both hands full, i know. he would never attempt it. it's just like when he hugged me when i think back on it, i had both hands full.
what the hell is that all about? so i can't push him away?
wait a fucking minute
at first i didn't give this bullshit a second thought
that's the way he is ... he's not going to be aggressive where i fight him off
because how can i fight him off if i'm holding the dog or when my hands are full?
i call that foul
shame on him. that's fucking wrong. i'm not taking that bullshit. so what that means is he likes to see me when i'm vulnerable and i can't fight back and defend myself.
fuck that.
enough with that.
i was feeling like something was wrong with me because i had no emotion over this divorce
because i wasn't crying over him, over the time we spent together.
i'm not sad about it
people, i have to tell you, i cannot be.
this has been bad for so long that i shed all my tears way back when.
these days the only tears i shed are when my children hurt my feelings.
or when i realize that i have wasted a hell of a lot of my life and i can't explain to you how i went from being happy and 17 to fucked up and 37 and where all that time went .. and i realize i am not so young anymore ... but who cares?
or when i realize that the only person taking care of the 3 of us (and to some extent mom) is me, and what an overwhelming feeling that is. i have to think now everytime i use my debit card, what if someone gets sick? or what if something breaks?
i have to start thinking about buying school clothes ... what then?
it's will be okay, it's just a little overwhelming. once i get the hang of it, it will be just fine.
tonight i got the rest of the hedge trimmed.
a nasty vine that was choking some kind of lines to my house trimmed away.
all the clinging vines from around the air conditioner cleared away and i got a tree that was growing too close too the air cut done and killed off. it was good. my lumberjack sister and her boyfriend did it.
and i had a wonderful talk with my sweet boyfriend.
i call him that you know, because he is, sweet.
he is so good and understanding. and he shares the best of plans with me.
and i wish he were here to chaperone the slumber party because i have to sleep now and leave the house to that girl across the street and the sister.
tomorrow is filing cabinet friday !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yayyyyyyyyyy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by crazy in kc @ 3:37 AM
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