dreams, nightmares and waking hours ...
dreams are funny things. i know that they are just random firings ... supposedly.
at least that's how one person used to try to soothe away my bad dreams, by telling me they didn't mean anything. it didn't really work. instead, i need to be reasoned with like a child and told that what i have dreamt cannot possibly exist or come true and i need to be given a list of rational reasons why so that i can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the nightmare was just that, a nightmare. i need it to be a nightmare because if it isn't that, then it becomes a possibility.
everytime i have a huge event in my life it comes out in my dream state. i'm sure that's true for most people. i'm sure i'm not alone. my dreams reveal either my darkest fears or my deepest wishes, the ones only i know and want.
when i was 16 and my grandfather died, i had the same kind of dream every night for weeks and months. i dreamt that he was just *away*. he was just away somewhere or hiding somewhere in the house and he would come out and say *ha, look at me, i'm still here* and the world was happy again. some of those dreams were so real that i would jump out of my bed in the morning and run to look in the closet downstairs, throw open the pocket doors and walk inside, because i knew, i just knew he was in there. and the reason he hid from us? it was all quite logical, he didn't want us to see him being sick, so he hid himself til he was well, then he came back out again. i don't remember exactly when i quit having those dreams, but eventually they stopped and were replaced by dreams of a 16 year old girl.
when i separated from my first husband i had to get a restraining order because he was the violent type. after i left him i had nightmares every night that he found me and killed me. it was nearly always the same. he followed me from whereever i was and as i was unloading groceries or getting inside the house from my car, he killed me very cleanly, killing me like a sniper would with a single bullet to the head. i had those dreams for years, up until very recently. and i was convinced for years that this was exactly how i would die, being shot in the head while unloading groceries in my own driveway.
now i'm having nightmares about this current soon to be ex and this situation. it's not so much the ex that is out to do me harm in these nightmares, but his family. oh his family... they hate me so much. saturday night it was his father ruining my beautiful walls with mud from his garden, and then last night it was a dream about my former favorite brother in law locking me up in an apartment with a plan to keep me there, a prisoner, until i died. i was saved though because i was resourceful enough to escape, but still the dream was horrible because someone wanted to do me harm.
i think that's where nightmares come from ... i know that someone is out there wishing me harm and my mind takes that feeling of hate and manifests it into my sleep state. it's certainly not because i hate them or think about them. i don't think about his family at all unless someone or something brings them up. but i do know that they despise me and think i'm satan.
and dreams, oh dreams...
every night my boy wishes me sweet dreams, or erotic dreams, dreams that will make me happy when i wake up, dreams that will wake me with a smile upon my face. and i want to have those dreams, and even if i fall asleep thinking good thoughts of us, here lately it never seems to carry through because the nightmare monsters are far to fierce.
but you know, i am lucky
i have a boyfriend who knows just how to soothe me when i have these dreams
he knows that when they come i turn into a little girl clutching her teddy bear as she stumbles around with sleepy eyes ... and he works them all out for me. and because of that, i am never too scared to close my eyes when i lay my head down at night.
peace kids ... i have to start the day.
at least that's how one person used to try to soothe away my bad dreams, by telling me they didn't mean anything. it didn't really work. instead, i need to be reasoned with like a child and told that what i have dreamt cannot possibly exist or come true and i need to be given a list of rational reasons why so that i can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the nightmare was just that, a nightmare. i need it to be a nightmare because if it isn't that, then it becomes a possibility.
everytime i have a huge event in my life it comes out in my dream state. i'm sure that's true for most people. i'm sure i'm not alone. my dreams reveal either my darkest fears or my deepest wishes, the ones only i know and want.
when i was 16 and my grandfather died, i had the same kind of dream every night for weeks and months. i dreamt that he was just *away*. he was just away somewhere or hiding somewhere in the house and he would come out and say *ha, look at me, i'm still here* and the world was happy again. some of those dreams were so real that i would jump out of my bed in the morning and run to look in the closet downstairs, throw open the pocket doors and walk inside, because i knew, i just knew he was in there. and the reason he hid from us? it was all quite logical, he didn't want us to see him being sick, so he hid himself til he was well, then he came back out again. i don't remember exactly when i quit having those dreams, but eventually they stopped and were replaced by dreams of a 16 year old girl.
when i separated from my first husband i had to get a restraining order because he was the violent type. after i left him i had nightmares every night that he found me and killed me. it was nearly always the same. he followed me from whereever i was and as i was unloading groceries or getting inside the house from my car, he killed me very cleanly, killing me like a sniper would with a single bullet to the head. i had those dreams for years, up until very recently. and i was convinced for years that this was exactly how i would die, being shot in the head while unloading groceries in my own driveway.
now i'm having nightmares about this current soon to be ex and this situation. it's not so much the ex that is out to do me harm in these nightmares, but his family. oh his family... they hate me so much. saturday night it was his father ruining my beautiful walls with mud from his garden, and then last night it was a dream about my former favorite brother in law locking me up in an apartment with a plan to keep me there, a prisoner, until i died. i was saved though because i was resourceful enough to escape, but still the dream was horrible because someone wanted to do me harm.
i think that's where nightmares come from ... i know that someone is out there wishing me harm and my mind takes that feeling of hate and manifests it into my sleep state. it's certainly not because i hate them or think about them. i don't think about his family at all unless someone or something brings them up. but i do know that they despise me and think i'm satan.
and dreams, oh dreams...
every night my boy wishes me sweet dreams, or erotic dreams, dreams that will make me happy when i wake up, dreams that will wake me with a smile upon my face. and i want to have those dreams, and even if i fall asleep thinking good thoughts of us, here lately it never seems to carry through because the nightmare monsters are far to fierce.
but you know, i am lucky
i have a boyfriend who knows just how to soothe me when i have these dreams
he knows that when they come i turn into a little girl clutching her teddy bear as she stumbles around with sleepy eyes ... and he works them all out for me. and because of that, i am never too scared to close my eyes when i lay my head down at night.
peace kids ... i have to start the day.
posted by crazy in kc @ 11:42 AM
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