simple things
it occurs to me that when i kept a journal where i wrote strictly about one subject i was much more witty and fun. i sort of miss my secret sex journal. i may have to revisit that soon and try to write there occasionally because the people in that small community of readers gave me many a laugh and many a stroke (no pun intended). i don't write there anymore simply because i don't have time to.
time is the squasher of most of my fun filled plans lately. i'm finding now that the pinball machine is loaded up with quarters again, that i don't have time for much that has to do with me at all. this is bad, bad, bad indeed! and i think at some point along the line, it really must stop. i've come to the conclusion that the only person that can really stop it is me. and so beginning today i am going to start using the word "no", simply "no". i cannot continue to do things for other people that drain away my time and keep me from doing the things i need to do for myself. i never knew that i'd have such a problem saying the one word my mother tried to teach me from birth ... no.
on the soon to be ex front, there is little news other than the fact that he is purposely trying to worry me with his histrionics and hysterics. it took him all this time to find a decent job and now that he's found one it is beginning to look like he's using his benefits trying to find a way to get out of work. so help me, i swear, if he pulls a stunt like coming up with some ailment that keeps him from working i may have to personally disable him. every other day i get a new email detailing his visit to some new doctor and telling me all that they have found wrong with him. my sweet boyfriend tells me not to worry, that he is simply fishing for my sympathy and trying to ruin whatever bliss i have. my mom is telling me that he is simply being dramatic and now that he has insurance he has resumed his role as the perpetual hypochondriac. i know that they are both right, but DAMN does he have to worry me with his doomsday scenarios all the time? right now i need him to keep working so that he can keep helping me pay bills. and let me be clear, this injury he has is real, it's just that it's something he has lived with for a while now and unless he wants to have a complicated neck surgery, he's just going to have to learn to deal with it. when he went to the neurosurgeon, before the separation, he had no interest in surgery because the risks involved were too great. now suddenly he's talking about it. i think it really is a plot to play on my sympathy. despite whatever may come from this, i do know one thing for sure... he is not going to move back in here.
i have established a pretty peaceful habitat for myself here. there is not a constant source of stress when i come home from work that keeps me shut up in the sanctuary like a prisoner, and quite frankly, i will NEVER again live like a prisoner. i have tasted freedom and i don't want to ever go back to a time where i have to live like a shut-in again.
he continues to ask my mother and the children if there is someone else. he will not ask me the question because i think he is afraid to find out the answer to his question. i will tell him that yes, there is someone else, and yes, he does make me happy, and yes, i do intend to spend the rest of my days with him.
oh and ... speaking of the rest of my days...
i know what i want.
yes, i know... it's incredible for me to know exactly what i want ... but i do !
when i get married again i want my engagement ring to be from circa 1930 ... i want an engagement ring that looks similar to the one my grandmother had.
you know ... she had a very simple ring, and a very simple marriage and it lasted until the day my grandfather died and well beyond, she never married again, never dated again, never so much as looked at another man. once some old coot chased her around her dining room table and we gave her a hard time about it and her answer to all of us was "why on earth would i want hamburger when all those years i had prime rib?" i have to admit that there is sense in that and i agreed with her.
so i have decided, i don't need a huge honkin piece of bling like i had with my last marriage.
instead i want this time what i want.
i want a little piece of good karma on my finger. i want a little stamp from the past to remind me of the good old days. i want a ring that when i fidget with (because that's what i do) it reminds me of a love that was so strong that it withstood a world war and the raising of four children and a host of other ups and downs along the way and still ended strong and true.
that is what i want.
and you know what?
i think i have found the boy that will understand that and give it to me.
and i think that would make my grandma very happy indeed.
time is the squasher of most of my fun filled plans lately. i'm finding now that the pinball machine is loaded up with quarters again, that i don't have time for much that has to do with me at all. this is bad, bad, bad indeed! and i think at some point along the line, it really must stop. i've come to the conclusion that the only person that can really stop it is me. and so beginning today i am going to start using the word "no", simply "no". i cannot continue to do things for other people that drain away my time and keep me from doing the things i need to do for myself. i never knew that i'd have such a problem saying the one word my mother tried to teach me from birth ... no.
on the soon to be ex front, there is little news other than the fact that he is purposely trying to worry me with his histrionics and hysterics. it took him all this time to find a decent job and now that he's found one it is beginning to look like he's using his benefits trying to find a way to get out of work. so help me, i swear, if he pulls a stunt like coming up with some ailment that keeps him from working i may have to personally disable him. every other day i get a new email detailing his visit to some new doctor and telling me all that they have found wrong with him. my sweet boyfriend tells me not to worry, that he is simply fishing for my sympathy and trying to ruin whatever bliss i have. my mom is telling me that he is simply being dramatic and now that he has insurance he has resumed his role as the perpetual hypochondriac. i know that they are both right, but DAMN does he have to worry me with his doomsday scenarios all the time? right now i need him to keep working so that he can keep helping me pay bills. and let me be clear, this injury he has is real, it's just that it's something he has lived with for a while now and unless he wants to have a complicated neck surgery, he's just going to have to learn to deal with it. when he went to the neurosurgeon, before the separation, he had no interest in surgery because the risks involved were too great. now suddenly he's talking about it. i think it really is a plot to play on my sympathy. despite whatever may come from this, i do know one thing for sure... he is not going to move back in here.
i have established a pretty peaceful habitat for myself here. there is not a constant source of stress when i come home from work that keeps me shut up in the sanctuary like a prisoner, and quite frankly, i will NEVER again live like a prisoner. i have tasted freedom and i don't want to ever go back to a time where i have to live like a shut-in again.
he continues to ask my mother and the children if there is someone else. he will not ask me the question because i think he is afraid to find out the answer to his question. i will tell him that yes, there is someone else, and yes, he does make me happy, and yes, i do intend to spend the rest of my days with him.
oh and ... speaking of the rest of my days...
i know what i want.
yes, i know... it's incredible for me to know exactly what i want ... but i do !
when i get married again i want my engagement ring to be from circa 1930 ... i want an engagement ring that looks similar to the one my grandmother had.
you know ... she had a very simple ring, and a very simple marriage and it lasted until the day my grandfather died and well beyond, she never married again, never dated again, never so much as looked at another man. once some old coot chased her around her dining room table and we gave her a hard time about it and her answer to all of us was "why on earth would i want hamburger when all those years i had prime rib?" i have to admit that there is sense in that and i agreed with her.
so i have decided, i don't need a huge honkin piece of bling like i had with my last marriage.
instead i want this time what i want.
i want a little piece of good karma on my finger. i want a little stamp from the past to remind me of the good old days. i want a ring that when i fidget with (because that's what i do) it reminds me of a love that was so strong that it withstood a world war and the raising of four children and a host of other ups and downs along the way and still ended strong and true.
that is what i want.
and you know what?
i think i have found the boy that will understand that and give it to me.
and i think that would make my grandma very happy indeed.
posted by crazy in kc @ 11:26 AM
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