the universe

i'm listening to james blunt sing "beautiful" and enjoying my quiet saturday morning in my favorite alone way. it's not my very favorite way to enjoy a saturday morning. no. that is with him, waking up slowly, laughing and having coffee. The alone way is to have my coffee, listen to some favorite tunes and let my mind unroll and roll back in soft and slow. and that's where i am right now. of course, somewhere in the world it is 4:20 am.

it's a funny thing that no matter how far you distance yourself from the past, and no matter how many seasons go by, the past can always just set itself right there in the middle of the sidewalk like a package delivered by a time warped ups driver.

and it's equally ironic that sometimes your worst fears do come to pass and when they do you sit there and think, what did i rehearse to do when this happened? what was my plan? how could i have not been smart enough to make one? and a lot of times you don't have one because you thought that worst fear was sooooooo scary and outrageous it could never in a million years come to pass so you never acted when you should have.

there are so many asteroids loose in the universe just now.

sometimes i feel like i'm on the edge of impending doom.
i can't see it but i can feel it all around me and i know if i take one more step it will all fall apart or fall away. and it squeezes at me from all sides and the only thing i can do to keep things together is just to stand completely still. don't move, don't breathe, don't blink. it's just a big black space and from where my feet are i can't tell if the next step will just be into nowhere.

nobody would ever know really. i suppose not. i appear to keep moving with the flow of the universe. they can't see i'm at the edge of a black hole there. and i can feel them bump into me like a thousand shooting stars in the night with all their light and energy just shooting past me, and i get coated with their brilliance.

in my life i love him more

i haven't written in a long time, mainly because i've been too busy to write.
being busy seems to be a virus i've caught like all the other bugs going thru the air, and i can't seem to shake it.

but sometimes... you just have to stop being busy for a while. and for a whole lot of different reasons, i've already started to stop.

it's kind of funny he doesn't like the beatles at all and i love them.
there are a few of those things that we don't agree on... to him i think an old movie means something from the 70's, where to me an old movie is a black and white classic from the 30's.
but you know, it's okay. because even if he doesn't like the beatles, or watch old movies, i still end up finding things from those things i love to relate to him, to send to him, to comfort him...
isn't it strange how we do that?

and tonight there is a song going through my head i can't shake, a lyric i can't get rid of...

"But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more" the Beatles "In My Life"

that line used to bug me "though i know i'll never lose affection for people and things that went before" ... because i thought that when you fall in love with someone that meant they couldn't still have a warm feeling for what had gone before, but now i realize how wholly unreasonable that is. of course a person will have feelings for what has gone before... how could we not when we are human? i'm happy with my attitude about this finally.

the other lines though ..."but of all these friends and lovers, there is no one compares to you ... in my life i love you more"

it is true,
no matter what has come or gone before,
in my life i do love him more.