notes from the girl next door

Saturday, April 30, 2005

remembrance

it's been far too long since i've written anything down because the world around me has been so hectic and busy and i've not had the time to sit and fill the screen with all those words floating around inside my head. and what would i say if i did sit down and write? how much i miss him? how i don't feel like i breathe without feeling him breathe next to me? how i long to see his smile in the morning? yes, mostly.

and there are other things too. there was a death this week. another death in the circle of the generation that skips just one above mine. it saddens me that the ring of that family tree is dying off, growing smaller, closing for the final time on this earth. a good man passed this week. a good man who took care of his family and worked hard and raised three boys and lived in the country a place just a mile from where he was born all his life. and he was buried just a mile from there too, in that little cemetary behind that little church where generations of my family lay in silent slumber. liberty.

i remember memorial day. it was the day we remembered. we don't do that anymore because we are busy having picnics and kicking back and enjoying life and too far caught up in what we are doing to drive the 3 hours to place flowers on the graves of those who came before us and it makes me sad because now i wouldn't even remember the places my grandparents too me to lay flowers on the graves of my great grandparents and great great grandparents. it was a ritual when i was a child to get up early on that sacred saturday of that weekend and load up the truck with the flowers and the children and head out down south to the open fields of green. we would leave so early it was still dark outside. we would go with sleepy eyes and get in the truck and lay down in the mattress in the back of the bed (covered by a camper shell of course) and sleep the whole long way ... until we got to the little town where my grandfather's name was engraved on the statue in the square that paid homage to those who went to fight in the big war. and in that little town we would wake up to the smell of fresh fried pies. i miss those fried pies, the cold cold milk, the stories my grandma would tell us of the days my grandpa courted her in that little town, the time when they fell in love. and all of that is gone now, and dying more each day as the final connections to that time die off each, one by one, year by year, until all that remain are our parents and our generation. even the promises made to the great grandmother matriarch to meet the first sunday of july for family reunion have been broken and changed because the people of the latter generations are just too busy those weekends to honor the traditions that have come before us. it makes me incredibly sad.

i cried all my tears for it last night. i cried until i could cry no more. i cried for this man whose middle name was nicholas, i cried for the loss of our family, i cried for my own loss of belonging to something that was bigger than myself. i cried for my loss of that place that was known to me always as "down home".

i have lost my father, and some day i will lose my mother. i came so nearly close to losing her last year. someday it will be me that holds our little numbers of family together. someday i will be the one who will make sure that everyone remembers the good old days. and i will be the one who passes on the stories of my grandparents to all the children. because they should know what incredible people they were. they should know that their great grandfather fought in world war two, that their great grandmother played on the boys basketball team in the 1930's because there wasn't a team for girls. they should know the romantic story of how they met and married and how she kissed him goodbye before he went off to the war. and i will tell them, because they need to know that they came from so much more than just us, than just this generation that seems so unbalanced, so screwed up, so busy that there is no time just for remembrance.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

jumbled yarns

i know what i promised i would do and what i need to do but the words won't come for that just yet. but the words are in my brain for this. i took a hot bath, and now i need to clear my head. my head hurts like a motherfucker, thank you.

and they give people darvocet for migraines... go figure.

i wish i had the words for this task. i really do.
goddamn it. they are all jumbled up in my head like some twisted ball of yarn. if i could only find the end i'd have it untangled...

and you sit here findin yourself thinking
nobody gives a shit really
you could lock yourself in a closet
and what would it matter?
cloistered away for a hundred years or more
and then one day it comes ...
some reason to care
just crashes into the room
no warning signs, no bells or whistles
just some random hurricane
meant to be.

fuck
*sigh*
fuck
*sigh*
fuck

somehow that's supposed to make it better?

oh how i want a drive in the country, or better yet round my lake, round my park, round my dam, round my spillway with the sun shinin through the spring trees. let the sun dance on the water and make a million diamonds that i can have all to myself to string on the wind ...

i'd wear his letter jacket or his class ring
i'd wear his love in a locket
but not his heart upon my sleeve.
far too precious a thing to bang on the wall
or bump in the night
or pull on a corner
i'd wear him all over me
but not his heart on my sleeve.

here's to wonky saturdays

words on a wonky night

in that sacred room
you lost me
somewhere outside of a place you could touch
you knew that place
and how could we since we've never been?
in that sacred room
you found me
somewhere inside of a place you could feel
you knew your way
and how could we since we never were?
in that sacred room
behind all those doors
with the locks that had mismatched keys
the ones that never fit
somewhere outside a place we were
you knew your way
to that sacred room.


dedicated to the one i love tonight .... from rem .. strange currencies and our playlist
These words, "You will be mine."These words, "You will be mine." all the time.they say fool might be my middle nameBut I'd be foolish not to sayI'm going to make whatever it takes,ring you up, call you down, sign your name, secret love,make it rhyme, take you in, and make you mine.


if i ever tell you to go your own way
know that i mean
as long as it is straight back to me
if i ever tell you to take a hike
know that i mean
i want you to hike on back home
if i ever tell you to give me some time
know that i mean
to give me just enough time to cool
but not enough time to get cold
if i ever tell you to leave me alone
know that i mean
i would die if you really did
and i need you more than ever
but if i say i love you ...
know that it means just that
i love you
no ifs, no hidden language
no fine print
simply i love you...
it is exactly what it means.


maybe i'm still fucked up a little from the darvocette. maybe my mind is not reacting well at all. i seem a little bit fast tonight and i don't know why... and i took my regular medicine too. and i feel almost manic. shaky from the inside out.

"it's been a while since i've seen the way the candles light your face, it's been awhile but i can still remember just the way you taste"
that lyric by staind is one of, if not the best lyric ever written in rock in roll. i know one other person on the planet who agrees with me wholeheartedly on that statement. i miss him. he's my dear sweet friend alan. he started dating my best friend debra and i lost her as my friend and i lost touch with him too in the process of them breaking up. stupid. i hate that. the thing is he was one person in this place, in this town i could always count on to come bail me out of whereever i was ... if i was stranded somewhere and i could get him on the phone he would come. for every drunk i ever had when i couldn't drive he came and picked me up. and he was there when my dad passed and i was there for him when his mom passed. it's a shame to lose a good friend when your friends decide they wanna be lovers instead of friends. *sigh* see i am wonky. my brain is just going on some little funky road trip thinking about people.

why does every woman with an ugly mole insist on calling it a beauty mark? just a question i have. i wonder about these things. and if they could be removed like the whisker on your chin that grows like your grandma's did ... would you even keep it around? i have a little tiny freckle thingee on my upper lip. now my friend shelly has one on her upper lip and i think it makes her extremely kissable. but as for mine, i don't think it's that sexy at all. i know this chick with a little tiny scar on her upper lip and it's very sexy... it just makes you want to kiss her.

i know i'm not a lesbian, but i definitely have a part of me that finds other women sexy. and i'm attracted to all kinds of women and most of the time it's because of something they have that i find just charming or irresistable... or something about their personality, like a laugh. but the women i think are beautiful are so natural. no supermodels. but just because i find women sexy does not mean i want the man i love to point out sexy women to me. i'd rather point them out to him. then that way i don't feel like i'm being compared. instead it's like art we can both enjoy.

okay i'm definitely wonky.
i'm going to try like hell to go to sleep.
i definitely need some rest.

sweet dreams

Friday, April 22, 2005

what i want

i just got home from forever at the doctor. and i need to sleep.
and i will.
as sooooooon as i finish peeing. i had to have a sonogram and so now i'm peeing every 15 minutes because they made me drink about 15 glasses of water so they could really take a nice peek at the troubling parts ... which is fine, except now i'm still busy peeing.

but i'm still resting. i should be at work. i only worked 3 days this week. i had monday off as a personal day and now this. *major sigh*

and i know ... i'm whining.

i could whine a lot more if i wanted to... about how much i want a certain someone right now to take care of me. but i won't. i won't because i'd rather keep it inside right now. you know sometimes it's better to keep your whining inside, because then it doesn't seem so much like whining, instead it is just wanting. i want, i want... i want.

i want him to take care of me just now. and i know just what he would do.

if i wanted to lay in bed and sleep i know he would tuck me in and he would wrap me in his arms and lay with me til i fell asleep.. if that's what i wanted.

but more likely what i would want would be to lay on the couch with my feet in his lap underneath that warm, snuggly quilt. and he would rest his hand on my hip while i slept and i would know he was right there.

so darvocette and a heating pad are a poor substitute for him, but they are all i got.

peace

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

morning bells without zing...

it's true what they say ... that you never miss a good thing until it's gone.
i am on caffeine restriction for the next little while, at least until friday, because of some tummy trouble, and let me tell you, trying to wake up without my daily pot of coffee is akin to waking a sleeping bear from hibernation somewhere in the middle of a cold december. it is not a pretty picture.

funny it seems that all the trouble with my tummy is seemingly being caused by stress. really? who would have thought it. i can't imagine why. it hardly seems like i have any stress in my life at all *chokes on the sarcasm*

this morning i have a meeting with my joyful boss about some cutbacks in my section, fortunately i think i will be unaffected directly other than having more work heaped on my plate. and this morning on the news comes a release about how we are out of money to do the things we need to do. it's not a big surprise. in a job like mine we are constantly out of money because we rely on lawmakers to meet in order to dish it out to us like a welfare check. such is the way of public education in our world today. there isn't much i can do about it other than vote for people i think will make what i do a priority and pay for it like it is a priority.

i have a break coming soon and god knows i need it.
i need it in more ways than anyone can possibly imagine. life at the moment seems to be a pretty short rope and the knot that i've tied to hold onto is getting pretty worn and slippery. i'll be fine, i just need time, and that's the one thing we always seem to either have too much of, or oddly enough... never enough of.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

and we all have our stories ...

i thought and felt tonight for a little while that it was me, that i was the reason these things went wrong. but you know they aren't. maybe sometimes they were. maybe sometimes i broke hearts like mine was broken. after two of these random episodes that seem to last forever and are such bad choices... i have to accept in the end that it is fate that brings us where we are. i know this. but god was i stupid and god didn't i think? and how could i let myself believe that way not once, but twice in the wrong thing? or did i make it the wrong thing? i guess we all have our stories.

in the end

i carry my anger in a suitcase
every shade of rage tucked away
for the day i might see you
but would i throw it
straight at you ...
or just walk away?
you took and you took
and i gave.
and in the end
it's all in the end
anyway.
i carry my rage in a suitcase
every lie from your lips packed away
for the right time
but would i say it
or just run away?
you hurt and you hurt
and i died.
and in the end
it's all just the end
anyway.


read me your favorite line

there must have been some great book
from where you read your part
read me your favorite line again
all those pretty words
they rolled so effortlessly off your tongue
and oh, how i believed them.
they must have been taken from some classic
leatherbound sacred edition of text
your favorite pages carefully worn
those words you said so many times
so well rehearsed your beautiful lies.
take it down just once more
pull it out, your scripted heart
there's just one more last bedtime
for you to read your favorite line.


thank you fate for bringing me someone who reminds that you have to weed the garden to find the flowers

Monday, April 04, 2005

a conundrum of sorts... all about love

i started to title this post something about being a recovering love addict, but that isn't quite right. well perhaps it is, but i'd have to explain. i think there is such a thing as being in love with being in love, and being addicted to that "being in love" feeling. so i guess i'm a recovering being in love addict?

but i'm certainly not a recovering love addict. i'm addicted to him and all the things that come with him ... including that perfect love that is just right enough to fill the universe. and from that i will never be able to recover, it's not just something i can give up.

at any rate... this post had a point.

there is something very different about loving this man. something that hasn't been there before. something that is very certain . i'm not sure that i've ever had that certainty before. i seem to recall in the past i've always had to ask that question that should never have to be asked when you are with someone "do you love me?" what kind of relationship are you in if you have to ask that question? that should have been, if i had been sane at the time, my first clue to get the hell out of dodge. but it wasn't. i stuck around for more insanity and more abuse.

and i think that is what makes him a man. yes he's my boy ... the sense of that giggly 16 year old girl who still calls her best friends to tell them about what the boy said on their date that night... but this certainty is what makes him a man. i never have to ask him if he loves me. i know it like i know my own name. and i never have to ask him if he thinks i'm attractive, or beautiful. i never have to ask him if he thinks i'm a good kisser. because he never takes me for granted and he tells me ... with all certainty.

you look at me with eyes so blue
i could crawl through them
like a hole in the sky
where do you keep your dreams
and can i dream there too?
i want to find whatever it is
that makes this place so warm...
something like the light in your eyes
when there are clouds in the sky
on april afternoons
and all i want most is to find
a way to crawl behind the blue in your eyes.

oh and i got the big 5 things done like a big dog.
go me!

Sunday, April 03, 2005

brilliant

i had a brilliant sunday ... i got through all the things on the list of 5 and i feel rather accomplished and happy with myself. so the day was brilliant. i actually felt so happy i rank it right under being with my boy. it's probably as near to perfect happy as i can get without being with him.

it was warm today. exceedingly so, over 80 degrees. it was nice to open the windows and take down the curtains and wash them. i stripped the bed and washed the sheets. i sleep on the sun and moon and stars. i love celestial patterns on things, maybe it has something to do with collecting angels and all things celestial. maybe it just has to do with it being my thing. and i don't want to give up my thing. i really don't want to. but for the sake of us i would consider finding a new thing that we could share.

isn't that what love is? not necessarily giving up your things, but adding your things to his things and then those things you cannot agree upon, finding something you can make just your own, between you two? i wouldn't want him to give up himself, because he is who i fell in love with.

god. i fell in love with his goofiness, and his tenderness, and his wit, and his ability to melt me with just the right combination of words. i would never change any of that ... not in a million years. he was made for me.

somewhere along the line you have to stick your neck out and say firmly "i believe that somewhere in the world is the person who was made for me." and mean it. if you don't you will forever settle for that person who almost makes you feel the way you could feel if it were oh so right. settling for that person ... it's nearly there, but something is missing. it's like you always have to explain the punchline to your jokes. they just don't get it. and there is strain and tension when the living should be easy...

that's why you just have to stick your neck out sometimes.

to be finished later:
your eyes are so blue
i want to crawl through them
like a hole in the sky

it's all about wanting

it's all about wanting these days.
things i want.
right now i want him. really 24/7 i want him. and when i try to tell him all the ways i want him ... it never comes out like it's enough for him to know how deep this want is ... and what i mean when i say i want you.

when the sun rises in the east
you know i want you
when the sun sets in the west
you know it too
and there are all those hours
in between
the midnights where we keep our dreams
and god even then,
you know i want you
when the moon pulls the tide
you know i want you
when the stars fill the sky
you know it too
and there are all those minutes
in between
that make me crazy
that make me think
of all the different ways
and how much i want you.
i want you.

Friday, April 01, 2005

the things we leave behind...

i was reading some old journals of mine tonight after he went to bed and i realized while i was reading that i wasn't really crazy all that time at all.

well, not on my own.
funny thing, i jumped on a roller coaster and couldn't seem to get off.
and the person controlling the ride was the person who designed the ride ... so i never had a snowball's chance to begin with. how does that happen to us? how do we allow ourselves to get in a place where we either lose our judgement, or, we are so low within ourselves that we just can't release the safety harness when the ride slows down enough to jump? i'm not sure how it happens. all i know is after the ride is over, you got off weak kneed, wobbly and sick and never want to ride a rollercoaster again.

my mental health professional (who by the way also says i'm not crazy, he prefers the term bipolar manic depressive) says that after all i have endured it is amazing that i still have the capacity to trust or put faith in those things that i cannot see, that my faith should be shattered. but you know, it just can't be this way.

i don't know how to explain it all.
my whole reality with love has changed. and finally, finally, love meets my expectations. No, to be honest, it meets my ideal. It meets ideally what my perception of love is and will be. finally, my vision of what love should be and what love is match up in my reality.

after reading those journals it's easy to see how rollercoasters have become calm seas.
he is exceptional. he is the boy, he's the forever boy. he's the boy who won't cut and run when times get tough. he's the boy who comforts me, he's the boy who keeps me safe and warm, he's the boy who loves me and listens to me whine.

do you know how i know it's just so right?
we don't even have to try
making love is an incredibly fulfilling adventure
and it's so effortless and easy
and the quiet time we spend together... just us
i cherish those times and live and breathe on them
and right now, it's very late and i'm going to sleep on them
later