not so fucked

so things are things.

there are so many very stressful things going on in my little world right now, but hey i'm hanging in. and i just keep smiling and laughing about it when i can, because you know, that's all i can do sometimes. i've had a headache for about 10 days running save for a blessed sunday reprieve.

i am trying to compartmentalize it, because if for one moment i allow one to carry into the other, then i would have total chaos in my life. i have to leave the work at work and the home at home. it's amazing really that nobody at work has a clue about what goes on once i leave there. one person whom i trust has a slight inkling but she really has no deep down idea.

sometimes i think nobody really has a deep down idea.

i can look at my life and say "hey, that's fucked up there" or think that really, it's not so fucked up after all. but mostly i look around and think i have it better than a lot of people. i have this one part of my life that is so completely happy and wonderful. i'm so emotionally fulfilled, i'm so secure in what i have. i don't need to question the foundation or the reality of my relationship or the depth of the emotion involved... i know what it is. and when i think of all i have ... then it's really not so very fucked up... it's not anything i can't get through.

that's what love does to us ... it makes us feel like there's nothing we can't get through.

that well

why does diet coke with lime make me yearn for tequila?

sometimes i think i have some weird syndrome that just causes bits and pieces of memory of puke to surge forth at the most inappropriate times. i don't know what that is. maybe it's this disease and maybe it's something else. i'm not a person who lives in the past, and i'm not a person who clings to it. well, i really don't think i am. but there are just days when i feel like i need to purge myself of the overflow of some deep well where i've stored all the time, people and places that have ever hurt me. and sometimes it just happens that one drop added is too many and the well overflows.

i don't know what it is, or even how to explain it. sometimes it makes me feel better and sometimes it makes me feel worse.

there are things i'm angry with myself about right now. like some shit i can't let go of and i don't fucking get why. i'm intelligent and capable, why can't i just let the well dry up?

i can't.
so instead in my head i have little tirades where i say all these mean and horrible things
god i feel like i'm hearing voices now, but it's the same old voices
it's not like that at all

but right now hootie is on
and all i can think about is the last time i fucked him to this song and how much i want to fuck him right now ...

and yeah i used the f word in my blog
blow me
how's that for tourrette's?

it's so far in my head
i finally get it... is this the karma you had in mind? that i would finally realize that i only felt how i made others feel? that the time so precious to me was so precious to someone else and i didn't get how i controlled the clock? is this the lesson i'm supposed to learn? i guess i get it. so is this the punishment, being so fucking annoyed now and so fucking bothered and unable to say it? and are you telling me that i unknowingly shared that personal heaven and hell? i guess i can get it.

funny thing about me though
i'm so much like my dad in believin in karma
but so much like my mother ...
i'm such a spiteful bitch

right now

most in the world, i want ... to see his face.

is this what manic feels like?

it's nearly 11:30 and i should be tired. i should be sleepy, i really should. and i could be very easily, i know i could if i would only take my medicine and go to bed.

but i'm feeling the lurch.
it happens you know ... where i know i'm headed into that manic energy period.

and all the conditions are right for an episode.
i've had at least one, if not more, major stressful events every single day this week.
and when i say major ... i'm talking emotionally crippling major for most people.
and i keep going on.
like some energizer bunny with a battery pack ...
and now i have all this excess energy
and it's the uphill climb of the rollercoaster.

i dunno. what does anybody but me know about it anyway?
phsyically i'm tired and my muscles and bones say "sleep, sleep", but my mind won't stop, it says "go, just move, do something, go, go, go !" and it's just there, racing all the time.
and i don't get aware that i'm talking too fast or that nobody can keep up with my thoughts but me.

i never want to go back to being strapped in constantly on that ride.
i just need to get off now before we get to the top.
i have an appointment tomorrow that i hope will help with all that.

maybe, just maybe?
i've got the worries of my soul
i'd love to let them pour out ...

i was going to stay up late and try to get a bunch of work done and tend to the building manic energy, but i think writing did the trick ....

i may have some peace tonight

friday attitude

it's friday at last ... and i'm glad for it.

i feel bleh today, like my attitude is "whatever", not necessarily a good attitude to have.
i guess i need to find a way to kill it.
if i don't get rid of it then it has the power to make me seem uncaring about a lot of things i really do care about.
so i guess i'll get ready for work and get myself out the door and find a way to care about stuff today.

head fuzzies

it's morning... again
but the problem is, it's only wednesday morning and i thought it was thursday.
i woke up sooooo happy thinking it was thursday.
i'm waiting for thursday dammit !
my prickish dictator (read as boss) will be gone thursday and friday which means no headaches for me, and so i woke up in a euphoric state all prepared for thursday.

oh well, only 8 hours to go :)
i'm going to kill wednesday off so thursday can get here sooner!

blessing and prayer

may you be granted a life of abundance...


give us these things we need
maybe not so much these things we wish for ...
overlook the frivolous, overlook the selfish nature
but the things we need that will make wrong things right
give us these things we need.

loverly blues

it's hard to understand sometimes what happens in my head to make the blues click in, but tonight they seem here to stay.

it's the restless kind of blues too.
the kind where i want to do something, can't do what i want, and won't do what i can do (mostly because it's all stuff that would turn out to be bad for me), and i don't know what the fuck i want to do. at least i'm smart enough to know what's bad for me when i'm this way. the good doctor would say that's a step in the right direction and i'm at least maintaining some control. control in this situation is good. and yet, it makes me miserable.

i wish i debra was still my friend.
but you know, fairweather friends aren't really. it's just that tonight i wouldn't mind her calling me up to go to that club downtown to just get lost in a good band and enough alcohol to forget my own name.

you could hide beside me maybe for a while and i won't tell your name ....Name... goo goo dolls

i guess that's kinda how i feel tonight. i really don't want anyone to know my name. there's a certain freedom in nobody knowing your name. you can be whatever you want, or nothing at all. right now i feel like being nothing at all.

maybe it's because life is too demanding right now?

maybe it's because i have a case of lover's blues?
a week ago tonight i was with him. it's not fair and it won't be til it is. and i can't change it and i hate it that i can't... that only fate and time can. and you can't rush either one.

so i guess right now i'm going to call him on the phone and watch the race ...
because it's the next best thing to what i REALLY want to do ...

peace

a happy place

my brain is at a crossroads.
i can continue to let the things that are driving me insane drive me insane, or i can focus on those things which make me happy.

and before i go any further, i know that my blog seems pretty selfish considering what is going on in the southeast right now with all that is left from katrina, but i have reached that place in my brain where i just can't take anymore of it in. and i know that i have the easy way out, that i can just turn it off because i'm not living it.

but right now in my head, in my life ...
i have just reached that point where i need to let go of those things that are making me cry daily. i need to let go of all the work stress. i need to get straight in my head that my boss's reactions to his own inadequacies are just that and don't reflect on me ... i need to let it go.

the boy helped me a long way with this
we stayed up til 4:30 in the morning talking about it. he's so patient and kind and he listens to me so well. i miss him more than anybody could imagine.

i could throw a little temper tantrum if i wanted to because i can't be with him tonight or every other night ...
but just think how lucky we are

we have each other
that's so much more than most people have

my hips are sore
in just three days he wore me out
i'm so looking forward to a lifetime of that

i think i just found my happy place
peace

halcyon days

halcyon days
these are the days i love you
endless days
of kiss hushed whispers
sunshine filtering through the blinds
on your skin so fair and fine
these are the days ...
these are the days you love me
endless moments
and the changing looks upon your face
words on your lips
and the meaning is for me alone
these are the days...
we live for alone
halcyon days.

ode
through the complications
motivations
extrications
here we are
come this far ...
don't you know
how i feel by now?
i love you
i could sit for hours
keyboard right here
journal and pen in hand
the stars could be my chalkboard
and what would i say?
something so simple
those words you already know
i love you.

gardener of dreams
moment by moment
hour by hour
i've secreted them away
those little dreams
and only he knows them each and every one.
pieces of my soul tucked into my sock drawer
little scraps of paper peppered with the wishes
of what i want to be
forgetting all that once was.
there is no future in the past
and no past in the future
there is no love that can last
if we let goodbye go on forever...
all my little dreams
my little girl wishes, big girl needs
he knows the difference
and if they were all flowers
he'd be the gardener of all my dreams.

sometimes it hits me all at once how incredibly lucky i am to be loved by this man. and i don't know what i ever did on this earth to deserve this incredible good fortune. not that it was easy to get here... not that it was easy to get to where we are and not that the road ahead isn't still a long one. but we are where we are, despite the world at large.

sometimes and i don't even understand why, my eyes fill up with tears with the emotion of all of it. and it's an emotion i don't even know how to explain. it's joy and it's happiness and it's a whole bunch of other things, it's the deep feeling of knowing that now that i've lived with him, i would never want to live without him.

all in.
it's just all in.
peace.