I think ...

I think I shall start blogging again.

building up from a meltdown

well i guess it was bound to happen sooner or later and it did ...
all the stresses from the crap in my life finally compounded into one huge snowball that turned into an avalanche i couldn't outrun. since i couldn't escape it, when it finally hit it was pretty bad but the damage was not catastrophic, it only took a few days to get myself back on track.

i needed to get my meds adjusted and get some good talk going to get my head back on straight.
i'm healthy now and strong, ready to go back into work, ready to walk back into the lion's den of life and face it head on.

you know what makes me laugh ...
i used to string myself out over senseless shit that didn't matter at all. for example, i used to let the empty promises of empty people a half a world away bother me. i would sit and obsess about every word, every lie, every good intention. well kids, the road to hell is paved with them, good intentions.

but i'm better now and stronger
and not living or dwelling in the past
and i forgive my trespassers and hope that my trespasses are forgiven.

right now though, i'm tired and it's time for bed ...
night kids... sweet dreams :)

spooky

i'm watching this movie that i'm not sure i should be watching... it's called white noise. i'm so easily persuaded to believe in the paranormal that it's probably not a good idea. i guess it won't matter though since i'm going to bail on it anyway and head off to shower pretty soon.

things have been a little crazy or weird or out of whack the last 24 hours. the she dragon from hell has intruded into my quiet time and i wish i had a way to decimate her. but i don't. and it's okay really... i just keep thinking to myself that karma is a bitch and she will get hers sooner or later. i guess it's all mind over matter really. she doesn't bother me directly ... it's just the indirect affects that are creating the problem.

uh oh. this dude's dead wife is calling him from a cell phone she can't use from the grave.

i wonder if the dead could talk what would they say?

my dad has been gone 13 years this week. i wish he would say something to me right about now, because i really need to hear some good news.

headache rambling

i've had the same headache since wednesday...
today it gave me the dry heaves while i was driving and i burned a hole in my boyfriend's sweater and that made me cry and that made my headache worse which made the dry heaves worse...

i need to get rid of this headache.
my mom wants me to go to the urgent care clinic but if i do that i have to ask someone to drive me there and i don't want to mess up anyone else's saturday. and i'd rather sit here and fucking die than to ask that fat motherfucker from hell to drive me. i guess maybe you can tell where some of my stress is coming from huh?

it's not just him.

it's a whole bunch of shit.
it's work and money and my sister and him.
and it's shit i can't even control.

and it's a mess in my head and it's a mess inside me.
the inside me part where it counts, the me that makes up the me.
i'm unsure and i'm unsettled and i'm uneasy.
once upon a time i was a diva goddess princess ...
and now i feel like the lowliest wench in the land.
i could sit and say i don't know what happened and pretend like i don't know ...
but i do know.

all those bad things that have been said just keep popping up in my head. i hear them all the time. it's a chorus of voices pointing out everything i've ever done wrong ever...

and then the doubt sets in ...

what if my whole existance is a fraud?

everybody thinks i'm this or that or something else

and here i am this horrible person

what happens then?

it's a cycle that never shuts down.
and i wonder why i have this headache.

but writing here has been a little cathartic ... and it has eased a little bit. i'm trying the tips i learned in pain management, that is just to relax, just relax. if your body is relaxed then the blood vessels in your head can do a better job, plus you spend a whole lot less time being tense which is bad for all the muscle groups in your body.

so i'm writing to relax.

maybe just to take my mind of everything i'll write about some nonsense...
how about my opinions ... in case anybody gives a shit...

a song i think you should hear .... autumn leaves by eva cassidy because it's beautiful and calming and she has a great voice ... it's a shame she died so young

a book i think you should read... memnoch the devil by anne rice you could read this even if you weren't an anne rice fan, it's just a different take on heaven and hell and religion... i thought it was good and it made me think

a comedy special i think you should see... eddie izzard dress to kill because it's the funniest thing i've ever seen in my life ... and eddie with eye make up is HOT

a romance i think you should see ... shakespeare in love because it's witty and romantic and calls for kleenex

a british comedy series i think you should try to get your hands on... absolutely fabulous because it's hysterical and it can make you feel like the mother of the year and sane

a sex toy i think you should try... any glass product because it's just that damn good

a sport i think you should try to get into... nascar because everybody needs speed and some of the drivers are hotties (in case you need the extra incentive to watch)

a spa product you should buy yourself heel of approval foot creme from bath and body werks because it's best stuff ever for dry, damaged, overworked feet

i think i could probably rest a little bit now after i finish this smoke. and i'm out of opinions about random stuff anyway. i have lots of other opinions about specific things though but getting my mind off those specific things is what is easing up this headache.

i just have to say it, i have to cut my sister off. i gave her a chance and she fucked it up and i can't afford to give her anymore chances. she is the one who lost her job and i can't support her trips to the bottom of a bottle. she needs to get herself clean and sober and she can't do that if i'm supporting her alcohol habit. so, i have to hold a hard line and my answer to her has to be no.

i'm not a pushover, but holding a hard line is a hard thing for me. it's not that i'm stupid, i guess it's that i'm emotional and caring... no wait... i am a fucking pushover. but i can't be anymore.

and has far as he goes... well that fat fuck better know now.... right fucking now that i'm done taking his shit laying down, i'm coming up fighting. fuck his snide little nasty comments, fuck his nasty remarks, fuck his downright pissy attitude and double fuck all the shit he does to make the kids feel sorry for him. i'm through.

and as far as the stress at work. well the can of worms has been opened on that one, now we just gotta see what happens. there's really nothing that can be done now except wait and see if the head worm gets away.

and money... well, to be reminded of what my daddy once said ... you can always make more money, and if money is all you have to worry about then you don't have anything to worry about. i think he was right.

it's all going to be okay.
and on that note, i think i'll go lay down and nap awhile.

the universe

i'm listening to james blunt sing "beautiful" and enjoying my quiet saturday morning in my favorite alone way. it's not my very favorite way to enjoy a saturday morning. no. that is with him, waking up slowly, laughing and having coffee. The alone way is to have my coffee, listen to some favorite tunes and let my mind unroll and roll back in soft and slow. and that's where i am right now. of course, somewhere in the world it is 4:20 am.

it's a funny thing that no matter how far you distance yourself from the past, and no matter how many seasons go by, the past can always just set itself right there in the middle of the sidewalk like a package delivered by a time warped ups driver.

and it's equally ironic that sometimes your worst fears do come to pass and when they do you sit there and think, what did i rehearse to do when this happened? what was my plan? how could i have not been smart enough to make one? and a lot of times you don't have one because you thought that worst fear was sooooooo scary and outrageous it could never in a million years come to pass so you never acted when you should have.

there are so many asteroids loose in the universe just now.

sometimes i feel like i'm on the edge of impending doom.
i can't see it but i can feel it all around me and i know if i take one more step it will all fall apart or fall away. and it squeezes at me from all sides and the only thing i can do to keep things together is just to stand completely still. don't move, don't breathe, don't blink. it's just a big black space and from where my feet are i can't tell if the next step will just be into nowhere.

nobody would ever know really. i suppose not. i appear to keep moving with the flow of the universe. they can't see i'm at the edge of a black hole there. and i can feel them bump into me like a thousand shooting stars in the night with all their light and energy just shooting past me, and i get coated with their brilliance.

in my life i love him more

i haven't written in a long time, mainly because i've been too busy to write.
being busy seems to be a virus i've caught like all the other bugs going thru the air, and i can't seem to shake it.

but sometimes... you just have to stop being busy for a while. and for a whole lot of different reasons, i've already started to stop.

it's kind of funny he doesn't like the beatles at all and i love them.
there are a few of those things that we don't agree on... to him i think an old movie means something from the 70's, where to me an old movie is a black and white classic from the 30's.
but you know, it's okay. because even if he doesn't like the beatles, or watch old movies, i still end up finding things from those things i love to relate to him, to send to him, to comfort him...
isn't it strange how we do that?

and tonight there is a song going through my head i can't shake, a lyric i can't get rid of...

"But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more" the Beatles "In My Life"

that line used to bug me "though i know i'll never lose affection for people and things that went before" ... because i thought that when you fall in love with someone that meant they couldn't still have a warm feeling for what had gone before, but now i realize how wholly unreasonable that is. of course a person will have feelings for what has gone before... how could we not when we are human? i'm happy with my attitude about this finally.

the other lines though ..."but of all these friends and lovers, there is no one compares to you ... in my life i love you more"

it is true,
no matter what has come or gone before,
in my life i do love him more.

my opinion on cheating and just rambling the hell on

i'm sick and i'm supposed to be in bed but my mind is all crowded and troubled
and i don't want to call my boyfriend because he's napping i think because he has a sinus headache and i think he's crashed out ... i don't want to disturb him :(

plus i don't know how long i'm going to be motivated to stay up ... it could just be 15 minutes for me to ramble here and then i'll be ready to hit the hay ... you know how i am when i get all cluttered ... i need to write things down.

life is a pill lately. a bitter bad pill.
it's kinda like the gods are mad at me or something and then a little something good will happen and it will be "okay i just squeaked by that one"
it's kind of like living in a war zone with the shells just barely whizzing by your house
or like playing bumper cars and only getting nudged or getting missed completely

and the sad thing is ... i don't even know what it is or how to stop it.
events spin out of control. things i have absolutely no control over.
i keep telling myself the only thing i can control is my reaction to them.

this too shall pass. i'm certain of it.

when i feel like this... so overwhelmed and not feeling good (because i have strep too thank you)
i sometimes talk to myself like i'm the only one listening
and ... okay...
its super weird and i know it will end up getting me made fun of or committed
but i like to pretend i'm famous and i'm being interviewed
and my opinion on things is soooooooo important that people want to hear it
...
my god! they are on the edge of their seats to hear it!

(you know this all goes on in my head)

so i start asking myself these questions
"what is the most pressing problem facing our nation today, and why?"
"is it more important to orgasm first or for your partner to orgasm first? and why?"
stuff like that

and i answer myself
(yes this is still in my head; i only do it out loud in the car sometimes)

so the question i ask myself now is
"is it cheating to have an online relationship, even if it's never physical? and why?"

to answer this question properly, one must first define "cheating". yes if you engage in physical sexual relations of any kind with someone other than your significant other then, in my opinion, it is cheating. i think that's pretty much a given.

then there are other kinds of cheating.

you can also mentally cheat your partner when you give someone else space in your brain. if you are sitting around thinking about your on line lover all day then yes, you are cheating. because you are no longer thinking about that which you once held most sacred above all things, your love of that person.

and lastly, you can emotionally cheat your partner. quite simply, if someone else is on your mind all the time and you are chatting to them during the hours sometime, you have little time to fulfill the emotional needs of your partner.

i'm sure you have heard it before "no man can serve two masters and satisfy both"

it's not just about online romance

cheating is other things as well

if you work so much that you cannot emotionally, mentally or physically give to your partner, then you are cheating on them with your work
if you have an addiction that robs them of you ... you are cheating

and no, i don't live in a glass house
i would never throw stones, because i cheated
and i was cheated on in many different ways before
and i grew up with parents who were cheaters, my lord; my father was a serial cheater
perhaps that's why i'm so opinionated about the subject
(and this is where i smile at the interviewer)

i think everyone should have their own definition of what they believe cheating is, but the one sure thing i think you should do is lay out your terms before you jump into a lifelong relationship. don't marry someone who thinks cybering is okay if you think that even talking to a member of the opposite sex without your knowledge is a no-no. just lay it out in the beginning.

you know, before you are seriously involved with the psycho.
(mild laughter)

well i'm about tired now.
i'm chilled to the bone though.

something is bugging me and it's the fact that the kitchen is a mess.
it's the teenage child's responsibility to do this and she has not done it because she has the cramps (the never ending ailment of all teenage girls), and yet, she wants to go to a party til 1:30 a.m. hmm. not til her chores are done i'm afraid.

i think my boyfriend is right ... i am a milf.