just words i wanted to say but never had the chance

i do believe in karma.
there has to be some kind of cosmic payback system in place in the universe or it would all be fucked up, so i do believe, i so believe that those who have wronged be will get theirs in the end.

but still i wish, i wish, i wish i was brazen enough or bold enough or brave enough to just say what i want when i should.
maybe it's for the best that i can't or that i don't. but sometimes i think it would just be so good to be able to say what i mean without having to choose my words so carefully. that's old habit. being raised to choose your words so carefully that you don't cause a huge "family discussion" or some other big ordeal. or choosing my words so carefully that i didn't piss off the husband at the time.

fuck that.
i'm sicking of choosing my words carefully.
i want to say what i want, when i want, and i want to mean it.

goddamn. sometimes i get so eaten up by the things that i wanted to say but i never did. it's like i need some huge purge, i just want to scream...

fuck you for never listening to me
fuck you for never seeing who i was
fuck you for never appreciating me
fuck you for lying.
fuck you for thinking i was too stupid to recognize what you did to me.
fuck you for thinking i was too stupid to ever call you on it .
fuck you for running out on your responsibilities.
fuck you for never having time for me.
fuck you for making me feel worthless.
fuck you for making me feel less than beautiful and sexy.
fuck you for taking away that part of me that belonged to me.
fuck you for making me feel so stupid that i question everything i do now.
fuck you for making me question how someone else could love me, show me affection or even find me worthy.
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.


i've heard enough lies from enough men to last me four dozen life times.

i want to hear some truth.

what's wrong with the truth?

i'm pissy and i'm irritable right now.

and i'm not very good at being either one.

and lately it seems like all i do is bitch.

there are two choices the way i see it, crawl off and die and stand and fight. that's it. there's nothing in between.

i'm going to bed now
i want to wake up to a better tomorrow.
i really think i deserve one someday.

and i'm saying right now, that tomorrow, anyone, and i mean ANYONE that pisses me off or rains on my parade will not have the pleasure of my company.