more final please

"don't confront me with my failures, i had not forgotten them..." these days, jackson browne

my brother said he went from a 38inch waist back to a 34 with the "gin dry" diet.
he said drinking all that water was fucking him up, so he had to dry it up with gin and bam he lost weight.

i think i'm on the "my soon to be ex husband gives me the shits" diet.
sorry to be blunt, but that's the way it is.
i feel like i should be able to get some kind of doctor's note not to have to deal with him, but that's quite impossible since we have these two children. make a note married people who have no children, think about it long and hard and don't bank on it to save a marriage. once you have a child with someone they become a key on your keychain you just can't ever get rid of.

and it wasn't anything really that he said or did. well it was kinda. it's his whole demeanor of looking like he's going to stroke out one minute or just hang dog and cry the next. drop her off and leave already. but he can't.

i'm sitting here with a fresh batch of tears.
and so thankful i had the foresight to buy more tissue.

"i wanna know what became of the changes we waited for love to bring, were they only the fitful dreams of some greater awakening..." jackson browne, the pretender

i just want to sit here right now
but not sit here
i need to be distracted
i need to not sit here and think of how fucked up my life is because if i do that right now i'm in the mode of it being my fault.

all three j's were my fault, every single one of them bad bad ideas.
i think i live my life in relative safety, but i have had the premonition that i will suffer harm at the hand of an evil man.
a j every one.

i can't get hung up on the alphabet now.

my father would say to look at the numbers.

i think it's a good thing i get out of here for 11 days.
i need to be away from him and he needs to be away from me... and we need to make this more final ... i can't have this anymore.

i'm playing the numbers this time.