seems like a mighty long time ...

it's been awhile.
that reminds me of that staind song i love so much... the one with the best lyric ever written in a rock song.

it's been awhile for so many things ...

it's been awhile since my lover has touched my skin with his hands, his lips, the beard on his chin. it's been a while since i've seen the color of his eyes up close, the jewel blue that they are when they shine on me. and it's been awhile since i've tasted his scent ... his smell so real i can feel it on my tastebuds, so close to me that my mouth waters.

i think about that song for a while and sink lower in my chair and i can close my eyes and hear an old barbara lewis song "hello stranger" ... the "shoo bop shoo bop my baby , oooh seems like a might long time, shoo bop shoo bop my baby, it seems like a might long time.. " someday i'd like to go to a recording studio and do a cover of that song and "baby i'm yours" ... just ... that i would.

and it seems like a mighty long time ...
since i haven't been consumed with work and all the stress that it entails. and it's doing bad things to my body. and i haven't been so good to my body either. i think i entered the mode of fight or flight and i never left. i don't know how to deal. i don't know what to do. i think i seriously need therapy. i think maybe i need to see the doctor. the doctor was very good for me before. he helped me figure out a way to forgive some things in myself when i didn't think i could. i didn't become selfish instead i became healed. my most excellent boyfriend has been my faithful therapist for so long. and so have my friends in so many ways. but i think as i sit here just now, this big epiphany... i need to see this doctor and treat it like anything else i would with my illness. if i see that all this stress is taking a very physical and mental toll, then i need to get some kind of treatment for it before anything does happen that will increase the liklihood of having a very real episode. and all the conditions are right for one. life changing stressful events coupled with very real daily stress that is much too complicated for anyone with a "normal" life to comprehend.

i don't even know what normal is... except for anyone but me.
this is normal. craziness and chaos is normal. it is my existance, it has been for all of my life. i know this and i have come to accept it. my normal would be a crisis someone else's everyday life. just like a homeless person's normal would be craziness for me.
normal is what normal is.
but i know all this stress isn't normal.
it isn't normal to be so stressed my body freaks out 8 days before it's supposed to.
it isn't normal to feel like this, tense all the time, rarely able to let something go.

and the reason i have to be urgent about this ... is that this is only the beginning of hell.
this isn't even the first ring... i have yet to enter the gates. i have much too far to go.

i was trying to get sleepy without taking a sleeping pill

it may have worked