my opinion on cheating and just rambling the hell on

i'm sick and i'm supposed to be in bed but my mind is all crowded and troubled
and i don't want to call my boyfriend because he's napping i think because he has a sinus headache and i think he's crashed out ... i don't want to disturb him :(

plus i don't know how long i'm going to be motivated to stay up ... it could just be 15 minutes for me to ramble here and then i'll be ready to hit the hay ... you know how i am when i get all cluttered ... i need to write things down.

life is a pill lately. a bitter bad pill.
it's kinda like the gods are mad at me or something and then a little something good will happen and it will be "okay i just squeaked by that one"
it's kind of like living in a war zone with the shells just barely whizzing by your house
or like playing bumper cars and only getting nudged or getting missed completely

and the sad thing is ... i don't even know what it is or how to stop it.
events spin out of control. things i have absolutely no control over.
i keep telling myself the only thing i can control is my reaction to them.

this too shall pass. i'm certain of it.

when i feel like this... so overwhelmed and not feeling good (because i have strep too thank you)
i sometimes talk to myself like i'm the only one listening
and ... okay...
its super weird and i know it will end up getting me made fun of or committed
but i like to pretend i'm famous and i'm being interviewed
and my opinion on things is soooooooo important that people want to hear it
...
my god! they are on the edge of their seats to hear it!

(you know this all goes on in my head)

so i start asking myself these questions
"what is the most pressing problem facing our nation today, and why?"
"is it more important to orgasm first or for your partner to orgasm first? and why?"
stuff like that

and i answer myself
(yes this is still in my head; i only do it out loud in the car sometimes)

so the question i ask myself now is
"is it cheating to have an online relationship, even if it's never physical? and why?"

to answer this question properly, one must first define "cheating". yes if you engage in physical sexual relations of any kind with someone other than your significant other then, in my opinion, it is cheating. i think that's pretty much a given.

then there are other kinds of cheating.

you can also mentally cheat your partner when you give someone else space in your brain. if you are sitting around thinking about your on line lover all day then yes, you are cheating. because you are no longer thinking about that which you once held most sacred above all things, your love of that person.

and lastly, you can emotionally cheat your partner. quite simply, if someone else is on your mind all the time and you are chatting to them during the hours sometime, you have little time to fulfill the emotional needs of your partner.

i'm sure you have heard it before "no man can serve two masters and satisfy both"

it's not just about online romance

cheating is other things as well

if you work so much that you cannot emotionally, mentally or physically give to your partner, then you are cheating on them with your work
if you have an addiction that robs them of you ... you are cheating

and no, i don't live in a glass house
i would never throw stones, because i cheated
and i was cheated on in many different ways before
and i grew up with parents who were cheaters, my lord; my father was a serial cheater
perhaps that's why i'm so opinionated about the subject
(and this is where i smile at the interviewer)

i think everyone should have their own definition of what they believe cheating is, but the one sure thing i think you should do is lay out your terms before you jump into a lifelong relationship. don't marry someone who thinks cybering is okay if you think that even talking to a member of the opposite sex without your knowledge is a no-no. just lay it out in the beginning.

you know, before you are seriously involved with the psycho.
(mild laughter)

well i'm about tired now.
i'm chilled to the bone though.

something is bugging me and it's the fact that the kitchen is a mess.
it's the teenage child's responsibility to do this and she has not done it because she has the cramps (the never ending ailment of all teenage girls), and yet, she wants to go to a party til 1:30 a.m. hmm. not til her chores are done i'm afraid.

i think my boyfriend is right ... i am a milf.

Teenagers and rambling

why are teenagers so difficult these days?

i know i sound like my parents, and their parents before them... but god in heaven, why oh why are they so difficult? one would think through better genetic engineering we should be able to produce a generation of teenagers without the typical teenage problems and woes, instead i'm afraid that our instant gratification society has produced a generation of hopelessly whiny, self absorbed brats. i should know, somehow i have produced two of them.

"spanking is bad, spanking is wrong. hitting your child only teaches them that it's okay to hit to solve problems"

i never should have bought into that crap. my parents spanked me at times and i didn't grow up resorting to violence and becoming some serial killer. and i was raised by a man who had been physically abused as a child, never once did he abuse me, the cycle was broken. so why did i buy that junk about not spanking? now i have a 13 year old who is taller than i am and is not phased at all by anything i do or say because other than a few swats in toddlerhood, she has never been spanked. i probably should have spanked her more. time out obviously had no effect at all. neither did grounding or taking her things away from her. now i am paying for my poor parenting decisions because i have a disrepectful child who spews the most hateful bile "i wish you were dead" "i hate you" "shut up ... you're stupid" "you bitch"

it's all verbal abuse. she didn't learn that in this house. she learned that at other houses and applies it here. and she has no way to channel her anger into anything productive. i think that serious counseling is in order.

she's so angry at the world she doesn't know what she's angry at. and unfortunately she takes it all out on me, i'm her target of choice. sometimes i think that time away from me would do her some good. maybe i should check into a summer camp building houses for the homeless? that's what she needs to do to teach her that her life isn't so bad.

why can't you be a prophet in your own land?
in my job i tell people how to fix these problems all the time. i fix these problems all the time.

in other news ...

it's a long weekend and i'm a little down in the mouth because i should be with my boyfriend this weekend for his birthday and i'm not. and that makes me really sad. i've been keeping busy. yesterday i tried to run away from it by being on the move all day. today i tried to busy myself out not to think about it. tomorrow will be a race. a race to get things done. i'll be on the move in the morning... i have to get up and get in the shower and get ready to go to the doctor. then i want to get my haircut. i need to come home and start baking some cookies for my sweet boyfriend and while those are baking i can do some work from work.

i'm sure i can get it all done. i am after all, superwoman.

i'm watching celebrity fit club and i have to say, kelly lebrock looks good with a big ass.
say what you will but i think big asses are sexy.
maybe because i have a little junk in the trunk?

that was totally off topic, i know.
but thinking about my boyfriend gets my that way.

he's been very good at being very bad lately.

he never fails to surprise me.
he surprised me at christmas with the most beautiful rubies and incredible mp3 player.
he surprised me new year's eve with the most sexy,daring, incredible night ever. it was one of those nights that i always imagined i might have. i did something i thought i might do someday but never really believed it would happen. you know that kind of thing? i danced with two sexy hot girls much younger than me in a bar and i loved it. and he loved it. he had every boyfriend's dream and i got to have a dream evening with him.

why can't i just be there tonight ?
why must airlines be so difficult about pricing their tickets?

oh well ... i'm rambling and i have to get up early tomorrow

night kids

happy days are getting longer week eve

in a writing mood

your disappearing act
so hard to take
like a magician with a black hat
you just vanished behind the curtain
without a trace.
shame, disgust, guilt
this bad taste in my mouth
i can't seem to rinse away
it's your bitter goodbye.
non-existant commitments
"let's just keep it casual"
"i love you a little, i love you a lot"
saying what you needed
like some charmed spell
to get under my skin
one more time, one last time
one painful time for old time's sake
your little bag of tricks
never empty of your magic lies
leaving me wondering
how in the end i was fooled
by the man behind the curtain.

happy birthday dad

i'm full of memories today. good and bad about my dad. it was his birthday today and i miss him. he was a far from perfect dad, and i had a far from perfect childhood, but i figure with the cards he had dealt to him, he did pretty damn good. that's the thing you know, to play the hand you are dealt, bet from there and see what happens. you know there are those people in the world that truly do have the deck stacked against them before they are even born. i think my dad was marked in this life, but his next life is gonna be great. i hope he's hanging out there waiting for my mom to show up.

i don't know if they were each other's great loves, i only know that she was separated from him at least 20 times and yet they always ended up together in the end. i know that he used to tell her that he'd rather she hate him with a passion than feel nothing for him at all. but that's the way they were. they were volatile but they loved each other and somehow whenever mom would pack up with us and leave... dad would always show up to take us back. i remember one time traveling 12 hours on a greyhound bus to grandma's house only to turn around 3 days later to drive 10 hours home in the station wagon. but that's just how they were.

what does a child learn about love living in a world like that ?
well you learn alot. you learn about compromise and you learn about give and take. and you learn how to kiss and make up. and you learn to pick your battles. and you learn that sometimes it's not worth arguing to be right, and sometimes it is.

now i know

i need to be cleaning my room
and i am going to clean my room
i promise i am .....
right after i have this little time to clear my head and enjoy this fine mind break.

you know how i get these favorite songs and they kinda stick around for a while?
well it was these words by natasha bedingfield, because, well, i love the boy.
but now i'm really into blurry by puddle of mudd because, well, he loves me.

i wonder sometimes if anyone has ever been as neurotic or insane as i am or if i'm even insane at all? maybe i'm just a slow learner or something. i think this because i have these moments of clarity that just seem stupid after i think about them for awhile. like how could i have not known that all along ? or how am i just now realizing this? maybe it's just that it's just now happening for the first time?

i know that makes no sense. but it's just that i had this little epiphany over vacation that he thinks about me when he's sitting in traffic listening to the radio. i am on his mind. i don't know that i've ever been on anybody's mind from this far away, for this long, in the random hours. i think for the first time i feel like an object of affection, like someone who is loved. and it's a wonderful feeling and it's left me feeling a little insane that i didn't really notice before now that he's as wrapped up in me as i am in him.

a woman knows.

well i was never one of those women who knew obviously. i never knew when a man really loved me or i wouldn't have fucked myself twice before being married to the wrong ones. but all of a sudden, it's brilliant and i know. i know now deeeeeeeeee deeeeeeeee deeeeeeeee. sheeeesh.. i get it now.

well i'm going to go do the thing on my list now and work for exactly one hour and 12 minutes.

peaceful new year !