cracking or laughing

it's nearly 10 am as i get started this morning with 2 cups of juan valdez glory juice in me...

i have a lot to do today!

"he" wants to come over today for some nonsense bullshit, to drop off papers for something i need to fill out. he called yesterday morning for this non important mess but i told him no, i didn't want to be bothered with him yesterday. funny, i still don't want to be bothered with him today. so i'm thinking i will call him and he can come on over and drop them off and visit the kidlet while i'm gone. there's no reason for me to see him. he can do all this while i'm out of here.

i have some out of the house errands. and i need to make a list, otherwise, i'll get sidetracked on this beautiful, hotter than hell day and end up running all day long and get nothing at all done.

i have 3 distinct pieces of furniture to move in the house today, but before they can be moved they must be emptied and their contents packed. so i need to get more packing boxes while i'm out. i think people getting divorced must keep the packing box industry booming.

funny thing is, i told my mom the other day that i always wondered how long it would take me to pack his shit up in short order, well now i guess i know almost exactly.

so items to do out running...

hair cut ... maybe i'll feel a whole new kind of princess power after i get my hair cut. maybe i'll feel all girly and new. maybe i'll feel like letting the boy press me against the wall and kiss me the way he does that just makes me melt.

work stuff... the necessary evil that is going to keep me employed for another year. this should take all of 15 minutes and the pure hell is going to be finding a place to park. no big deal.

banking... oh this is laughable. how long can the bank take when you are broke ?

at some point you know.. i need to unpack the suitcase from my last trip so i can repack it for this trip. pretty easy stuff, i'm not packing anything fancy. my denim capris and a couple of tees and that should be enough for this adventure. oh yeah, and my swimsuit and a few good books i need to finish. hell, i think i could just get away with my swimsuit and the clothes i need for the big date since all i ever wear when i'm there are his boxers and tshirts and my own skin.

i dunno why i feel this way today... i haven't felt this way through this whole thing.
about 2 centimeters from cracking.
about 2 centimeters from laughing.
i'm so on the edge, so walking that line.

let me have some payback, let me have some justice.... that's what i want to scream.
but screaming won't do me any good.
and at this point, i don't think payback will either.
my soul would just drown in the bad karma.
and i don't want a drowning soul right now.

i'm a good girl in a bad place and i feel surrounded by the forces of evil and goodness.
now i just need to weed my garden, to pick out the good and destroy the bad.