the end of this time
it is the end of this time.
he is gone and the house is silent. i haven't freed the house from his ghost yet as there are still his things scattered here and there and everywhere. messes on the desk and file cabinets and dining room table, a huge mess left behind to be sorted out by me. which makes me infinitely grateful that i had the forethought to plan this for the summer when i have the time to sort out the mess left behind from 12 years of being together.
i am not sad for myself. i have never been sad for myself. i have not had that sad "oh he's going to leave me" feeling for a very long time now, the first indication that i was not in love with him anymore. even when he found out about j. i was secretly hoping he would be angry enough to leave me, even though at that time i financially wouldn't have been able to survive it. but it wasn't even there then. when you love someone, when you truly love someone there is a little part of you that always worries for their wellbeing, for their safety, for their care, when they are out of your sight. i haven't worried about him like that for a very long time. when i am away from him i don't worry for him, frankly i don't think of him at all. i relish the time away and am carefree.
i am sad for my children though, and as crazy as it may sound, for the dog. the poor dog has been staring at the door since he left. and i know the dog is thinking that he's just at the store or something. the dog is waiting knowing his master will return. but he won't. he's not coming back. the reaction from the children will come tonight, at bedtime, when they get home and he is not here to say goodnight to, then they will notice the difference and it will be hard for them. then i will be sad.
but i will not lapse into regret. i cannot afford the luxury of regret and "what if" because quite frankly, there is no "what if". if i were to have stayed in this place 'what if' would have meant the end of me. episode after episode would have occurred until it was just one long episode of suicidal depression. it's true. i know this. i know it like i know my own name.
i know that the best medicine for these episodes not happening has been finding love, finding laughter, finding peace, finding a rational place to work from, finding the plan. and you know really, to be honest about stopping self destructive tendencies, finding a reason to take my medicine every single day.
you know i have to admit that there have been times during the last bad part of this that i was pretty self destructive and i wouldn't have made it through if it hadn't been for good friends and the love of one special person.
i have a reason to live now. myself.
i have a reason to be happy now. myself.
i have a reason to try now. myself.
and of course there are other reasons too...
but there can never be an us without me in it.
and i'm all the way in now.
he is gone and the house is silent. i haven't freed the house from his ghost yet as there are still his things scattered here and there and everywhere. messes on the desk and file cabinets and dining room table, a huge mess left behind to be sorted out by me. which makes me infinitely grateful that i had the forethought to plan this for the summer when i have the time to sort out the mess left behind from 12 years of being together.
i am not sad for myself. i have never been sad for myself. i have not had that sad "oh he's going to leave me" feeling for a very long time now, the first indication that i was not in love with him anymore. even when he found out about j. i was secretly hoping he would be angry enough to leave me, even though at that time i financially wouldn't have been able to survive it. but it wasn't even there then. when you love someone, when you truly love someone there is a little part of you that always worries for their wellbeing, for their safety, for their care, when they are out of your sight. i haven't worried about him like that for a very long time. when i am away from him i don't worry for him, frankly i don't think of him at all. i relish the time away and am carefree.
i am sad for my children though, and as crazy as it may sound, for the dog. the poor dog has been staring at the door since he left. and i know the dog is thinking that he's just at the store or something. the dog is waiting knowing his master will return. but he won't. he's not coming back. the reaction from the children will come tonight, at bedtime, when they get home and he is not here to say goodnight to, then they will notice the difference and it will be hard for them. then i will be sad.
but i will not lapse into regret. i cannot afford the luxury of regret and "what if" because quite frankly, there is no "what if". if i were to have stayed in this place 'what if' would have meant the end of me. episode after episode would have occurred until it was just one long episode of suicidal depression. it's true. i know this. i know it like i know my own name.
i know that the best medicine for these episodes not happening has been finding love, finding laughter, finding peace, finding a rational place to work from, finding the plan. and you know really, to be honest about stopping self destructive tendencies, finding a reason to take my medicine every single day.
you know i have to admit that there have been times during the last bad part of this that i was pretty self destructive and i wouldn't have made it through if it hadn't been for good friends and the love of one special person.
i have a reason to live now. myself.
i have a reason to be happy now. myself.
i have a reason to try now. myself.
and of course there are other reasons too...
but there can never be an us without me in it.
and i'm all the way in now.
posted by crazy in kc @ 2:24 PM
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