the life of a disease

my child happened to see me writing in my blog yesterday and asked me "so, are you the girl next door?"

i coyly replied, "well, aren't we both the girl next door to somebody?"

she let it go after that.
i don't care if she knows the name "the girl next door". it's not very likely that she could find this blog on her own. and if she did happen to mention to him that i'm the "girl next door" i doubt very seriously that it would register. and besides, honestly, if he found this blog, what the fuck would i care at this point?

yesterday was another day of running around town and trying to get things done. still i was left feeling like i had accomplished very little. i'm not seeing big progress on the house like i need to and it's tuesday and i am leaving on friday. back in the olden days of self destruction i would have just skipped my meds for a few days and stayed up all night on a binge and cleaned and cleaned and worked and worked until i was happy. however, i'm not feeling like this is a good time to skip meds and go on any manic frenzy, no matter how appealing the outcome might be.

speaking of meds, this is pretty scary. i take 5 pills a day to keep my bipolar disorder under wraps and under control, which is fine, every single pill performs a certain function to keep my brain chemistry exactly right. but what is scary is the warning labels that come on each little bottle. i was studying them last night.

i take one pill called lamictal because it's an anticonvulsant which is supposed to prevent mood episodes by inhibiting sodium and calcium in presynaptic neurons and by stabilizing the neuronal membrane (basically it makes everything level) this pill has exactly 4 warning labels on the bottle.

then there is another pill called topamax which is supposed to reduce rapid cycling (not bike riding, but mood swinging cycling in the brain). oh and it's the rapid cycling that can be caused by the first pill. this little bottle has 5 warning labels.

then there is my favorite pill. seroquel. this little baby is the size of a bb and it has the potency to knock a full grown elephant on it's ass in about 5 minutes. i get to take 2 of these a night and i swear you could set your watch most nights that about 10 minutes after i take them... it's lights out. these are used to treat acute mania and borderline schizophrenia (see i knew there was more than one personality in my head) this little bottle has 4 warning labels and i don't get to eat grapefruit because of it. (now how odd is that?)

and lastly, as if none of the "warning this medication may cause drowsiness" labels weren't enough on any of those drugs, i have temazepam, my little white sleeping capsule. people who are bipolar are often unable to sleep naturally for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time unless they are in a low state. even with all my other meds if i don't take this little pill i'm up and off in 3 or 4 hours. now for some people that's just grand, but for bipolar people sleep is a critical thing, so i have to take this to make sure i get my 7 or 8 hours in.

it's not often that i write about this disease.

but right now i feel like i should. there are people who care about me who read this blog and some of them understand this thing and some of them don't. i have one friend who is realllly good at picking out when i'm standing on top of an episode about to swing either way. and it's odd because she is someone i only talk to on msn. but gilly can tell just by things i say or how i say them where i'm at in the cycle. she has had experience with this disease with someone else in her life and she knows the warning signs all too well.

so just for the record, being bipolar means that if you are doing well you are living like a normal person with normal highs and normal lows. but being episodic means something else all together.

if you are low, then it's the absolute end of the world. when i'm low like that i lose all willingness to get out of bed, to function, to eat, to bathe, to talk, to dream. i don't want to live, i don't care what happens to me and i lose the ability to see anywhere into the future so that i can dig myself out.

if you are high it can be just as devastating as if you are low, actually, it can be more so. people who are cycling on the high side of being bipolar see themselves as invincible and rationalize that no matter what they do it will turn out to be the best thing in the world. and being high pushes whatever weak button you have into high gear without impunity. so if you are a shopper and you go manic it may be nothing to go out and max out every charge card you have on a binge because you see yourself in a state of being so powerful that you never thing about consequences. for some people, it's sexual. people go out and take risks that they wouldn't normally take because they see themselves as being untouchable.

so everyday in my world i wake up and i think about how i feel.
i have to. i don't intend to leave this earth the way my dad did.
if i think it is going to be a low day i have to give myself that pep talk.
if i think it's going to be a high cycling day then i have to take precautions and remove those things from my reach that could hurt me if i suddenly think i can be superwoman.

i think i have removed the biggest toxin from my life that made me go from up to down and back again. my mood being so dependent on my interaction with him. i had hope before, but now i have something else besides just hope. i have hope and i have a situation that provides that those hopes will come to fruition. i have dreams and i have a situation where those dreams might actually come to pass. that kind of living situation will definitely put one in a different frame of mind.

well i've rambled on enough for one morning... and had my coffee, so i have no more excuses to sit here and write on.

i have a small list of "to do" today.
it's raining outside and the smaller my list, the more manageable it all seems to be.

peace :)