the eve of Christmas

it is the eve of Christmas.
and if you believe, it is the day of the birth of Christ. and if you believe it is the day that Santa will start his trek from the north pole to deliver presents to all the good boys and good girls.

i believe.

i believe in the power of Christmas.

i believe that Christmas makes people a little kinder, makes us all a little more caring.
i believe that Christmas makes us all think a little bit more about our neighbor and a little bit less about ourselves.
i believe that Christmas makes even the most skeptical of adults wide eyed with wonder.

it isn't so difficult if you really try.

this morning i emailed my favorite story of Christmas to my best friends, and i hope that when they read it they will feel a little bit of what i feel this Christmas eve morning.


Merry Christmas to all !

all the sugar in the world

isn't it amazing how just a few well placed words from the right man at the right time can change your perspective on things?

i've never particularly considered myself high maintenance, but i'm telling you kids, there are times when i can be a pill. i get all whiny and needy and cranky and i need to be told things. it's stuff i know, but it's stuff i want to hear anyway. and i want to hear it without having to ask to hear it and i want to hear it more than occasionally.

i think i became addicted to it when i was a kid.
praise. praise for being a good girl, for getting good grades, for doing the right thing all the time. but when i was a kid there was one thing missing from all the praise. it seems when i recall the things that were said to me then nobody ever focused on me being pretty or cute or whatever the word of the day for that phenomena was.

it's all pretty easy to understand actually.
my brother was the athletic one. my sister was the pretty one. i was the smart one.
and now what is it all about? it's all about feeling that thing i never felt when i was a kid, that i am the pretty one.

i know it's a pain in the ass that i need to be told that from time to time.
but dammit, i am a woman with my own set of issues and it's important to me that i hear every once in a while how lovely i am, how sweet i am, how good i smell, how soft i am.

it's gotta be hard for the boyfriend. how can he say those things when he can't even see me every single day? but i think that he can go back and draw from his memory banks and come up with a time i was as beautiful as i want him to tell me i am.

maybe i have a huge issue with this.

i don't need him to tell me to validate it or validate me...

i just want all the sugar in the world dammit !

snowy days again

Christmas times a'comin ! and it's snowing again! let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
but alas, i don't think any time off from work will come from this little snowfall, it appears it will be more of a nuisance than a blessed vacation. ah well, it's okay.

it seems that once again the weathermen have missed the boat on the forecast for winter. they predicted that we would only get 15'4 inches of total snowfall for the ENTIRE winter, and so far we have had 10 plus what will fall today into tomorrow, which should be another 4 inches or so. with that being 14 inches, i guess we are already near the target amount and the official winter solstice hasn't even arrived.

i have been Christmas shopping and i am excited and happy! everyone should be so happy opening their presents this year ! i still have a few gifts left to buy for a few people. i have no idea what to get for these last remaining people, that's what is making their shopping so difficult. i guess i'll figure it out. i have decided to stay away from gift cards and cash because i'm committed to having presents to open this year for everyone.

so our Christmas tradition is changing this year. normally we have a huge Christmas breakfast out somewhere then we come here and open all the gifts and then eat dinner at 12 noon. but with everyone having their own in law obligations and what not, "we" decided to have our gathering on Christmas eve. i'm not sure how i feel about that. it breaks up our tradition of having Christmas morning all together, but i know that it needs to be that way because everyone has their own obligations ...

ah well........... my boy is here!!!!!! so peace

post note yayyyyyyyyyy it's a beautiful day !!!!!!!!

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

december came in with a big rush of snow. i'm not sure if it's mother nature's attempt to put everyone in the christmas spirit or if it is karma offering me a little vacation that i so desperately need. everyone has snow days or occurence days, so we have been housebound, these two children and i.

there is nearly a foot of the powdery, white stuff outside right now and all that can be seen of the dog when he goes out into it is his little black tail above the white. he comes in all covered in powder and immediately runs to my bed to try to warm up. i have tried to circumvent this by closing the door but he just bursts through anyway and jumps into the bed and so the bed is now as cold and wet as he is.

yesterday we used our snow day to clean the house. and ohhhhhhhhhh the drama that ensued! i am officially the worst mother ever for making them do chores on a snow day! i swear they fussed and complained for 4 hours over a chore that took maybe an hour at the most. it would have been so much easier i think to do it myself. the 11 year old looked at me at one point in the afternoon and said "if we are spoiled and lazy how can it be our fault if you raised us this way?"
i guess it makes sense. i suppose i have been a bad mom to have done so much for them and now that they are of a responsible age it must seem pretty unreasonable for me to ask them to actually contribute to household chores. but they must learn that if they are going to be part of a house and a family that they have to pitch in and help. it's not all about doing the fun stuff, it's about doing the work too. i won't accept their excuses and the guilt trips they try to put on me, they are old enough to accept some responsibility for chores.

so since yesterday was a day of forced servitude, i guess today will be a day of just kicking back. maybe we will make chocolate chip cookies or just hang out and watch movies. i have some work i brought home to do because i had a feeling i would be trapped here in the snow. i'd like to get my own sanctuary organized and cleaned up too.... oh that would be nice to do as well. maybe, maybe... i think it will all depend on how i feel.

peace everyone :)

a mother's love

the nature of a mother's love is the desire to carry the pain of her children and bear their sorrow so that they never feel the loss or sadness of the world. sometimes though, it is impossible to carry their sadness as your own. this week the children suffered a loss that i could not carry for them, no matter how i may want to, or how i may try. they have to learn about the reality of the loss of life in their world and the meaning of grief. their natural father was killed monday night and they are dealing with the trauma of losing him and losing him suddenly, without any warning at all.

they are gone this week with their natural mother to the funeral, a place where i am not welcome to be. his family despised me. they hate me for doing the things that he did not do, for giving these children a good life. they hate me because he hated me and spoke ill of me because i cared for them and loved them and gave them a decent and good home, a home away from alcohol and abuse, a home away from madness. his sudden and tragic passing has made him a saint now and everyone knows what happens when you speak badly of an icon.

it has bothered me more than just a little that i have had no tears to shed for this man. i have none to shed. he was an evil and bad man. he beat women, he played horrible mind games with two innocent children, he used them as pawns for his own gain and he never worked an honest day in his life. he was not a person i could find it in my heart to cry over.

but i have cried for my children, for their loss, that they have had to suffer the pain of sadness that comes from losing someone. no matter what he did, no matter the evil that he produced, he was still their "father" and that biology is something they held in their brains and they could not get over.

i need to pray for strength now. i need to ask for guidance and i need to ask for wisdom. i need to ask for self control. there will be times that i will need to nearly bite my tongue in half to keep from speaking the truth about this man they will make a saint. i need to remind myself that they will find out in time and that they are entitled to whatever memories they have, despite what i know to be fact. they will need love and hugs and understanding and patience. they will need a safe place to have their time of grief and mourning and anger at his passing.

and i, i have to find it within myself to forget and forgive the dead.