the witching hour

it's 9 oclock
turn and face the wall, scream your heart out, be angry, let the tears fall...
that an hour exists between you and happiness and 1200 miles divides you from the one you love. it's the witching hour. where nothing feels real anymore and you just wish sleep would come to usher in the break of dawn ... and some brand new day will arrive with a 5:30 alarm and an afternoon interlude ... then the rush of coming home to dinner and the evening hours ticking by til its 9 oclock ... once again.

it doesn't often get to me like this. saying goodnight to him so far away and going to bed here alone. but it's getting to me tonight. blame it on hormones, blame it on the moon pulling the tide, blame in on spring green.... blame it on me. but it just seemed bitterly unfair tonight that our clocks aren't the same ... it's bitterly unfair that he isn't here with me, or me with him.

it made me cry ... and that i'm sure is hormonal. a function of my body reminding me that i am a woman who will take the most common of occurances and blow them into a tragedy worthy of tears simply because my estrogen levels insist it must be so.

it's frustrating ... can men really understand this? that you don't mean to cry, or aren't in any kind of mood then WHAM ! from left field you are in tears because it's 9 oclock, or because of the lyrics of some song, or anything that just might happen to go wrong at just the wrong moment ....
i'm not even sure i understand it. but it happens and the floodgates just open right up.

sometimes i'm not sure i understand much.

i know the older i get the less i attempt to understand the reasons that things happen. things just happen. there isn't any one reason anything happens. everything touches everything else in the universe... no one thing is the cause of anything else. and yet we all place and take the blame.

i'll take the blame for pollution because i'm not always green.
i'll take the blame for inflation because i'm not always fiscally responsible.
i'll take the blame for apathy because i haven't always acted when i should have.

shove the blame around a little on my plate so it tastes better. i'm going to have to eat the blame shortly for so many other things ... a little bit more won't matter.

"well i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell
i know right now you can't tell
but stay a while, maybe then you'll see
a different side of me" from Unwell .... matchbox twenty

that's so how i feel right now.
i'm not crazy ... i am just a little unwell. i'll be fine as long as i can hang out this next few days and coast the ride. there's this voice in my ear that keeps saying "hit your marks driver" and i can hear it ... it's the same one that tells me to drink more water ... and the same one that tells me to eat dinner when i'm really not hungry just so i will have food in my tummy ...
yeah i'm not crazy ... right now i'm just a little unwell.
give me a few days and i'll be fine.

when troubled minds speak ...

"most of all let love guide your life" colossians 3:14

now i'm not one to quote the bible so don't get your panties in a twist. but that is my favorite quote from any source. it is framed and hangs above my bed to remind me that this is how a good life is lived. and i truly believe that if you do let love guid your life. you can never truly go wrong.

so what prompted that?

there's been this little shit lately about quotes. so i just wanted to put mine on record.

and what i said earlier... about believing that you can't go wrong with this ... yeah i know ... letting "love" guide my life is what got me into a marriage ala shit, however, if i hadn't let love guide me there and let fate take a hand.. i never would have met the boy. my boy (and i don't know why i call him that since he is every bit a man ... except he is the boy for me.. excuse my girly interlude) so yeah, i believe that if you let love guide your life it will get you where you belong. eventually.

but all those pitfalls you make a long the way.
god sometimes they are canyons. i'm so tired of crossing canyons. i could do with a fat donkey just about now to carry me up the other side ... i'm sure i can find my own way down. every word is a landmine and the footholds are loose. i just slide down the rock face every time a little more scarred and wounded, but more determined than ever not to have to do it again.
the time is coming.

i'm tired and i'm angry and i'm hurt.
i get so angry sometimes i think every blood vessel in my head will pop at once.
and there's no way to rage. so i swallow it like a bitter pill.
and it hides somewhere .... lurking around

why do people who once claimed they love us now love to hurt us?
why?
and they do it in what they think are the most childish of ways. things they think are funny and cute. it's drama.

"here i don't get your attention in an adult way, so let me create some childish nonsense so you will pay attention to me"

they do it.
everyone does it. i'm sick of it. grow some fucking balls people!
fucking amateurs.
can you tell i'm in a semi manic rage of head clearing?

i'll leave you with the last get happy song on the playlist

"i'm moving to the country i'm gonna eat a lot of peaches"

ahhhhhhhhh

life is incredibly good right at the moment.

i'm on vacation. i've never felt so whole and loved in my life. i'm a totally domestic little house mouse for the man i love and it feels fantastic. yes, i'm actually enjoying doing our dishes, washing our laundry, making our bed. i'm loving every minute of it. and i get a little tingle all over when i hear his key in the lock when he comes rolling in at the end of a hard day. it all makes so much sense that this is the way life should be and someday will be.

this time we are spending together is showing me how well we work together, what a fantastic team we are. even the most mundane things, even the most routine tasks are fun because it's just us spending time together. going to the grocery store was fun, we even had the cashier laughing at our antics and we had a great time.

i know that after 5 years of marriage or 10 or 15 some people may say "try that, try having a good time at the grocery store after that long, hell you won't even want to go together anymore" but i don't believe that's true. in fact, i CAN'T believe that's true. i refuse to go into a marriage with this man believing that. i want to go into this marriage believing that if we both know that life does get boring, life does get mundane, marriage is hard work, that we will work at keeping it just as good as it is now. i believe that. i don't ever see taking this man for granted. this man who has brought so much laughter and goodness into my life. this man who can even make me smile first thing in the morning. that is a rare talent indeed.

i cooked for him last night for the first time ever. i cooked one of my favorite things hoping it would be good enough for him, that he would like it. not necessarily that he would love it the way i do, but just that he would like it. he said he did, he said it was good and he ate it.. which i guess is a good sign :) i'm cooking again for him tonight, chicken enchiladas and mexican rice. i'm not by any means a gourmet cook but there are some things i can cook if i want to. tomorrow night i'm making him a honied roast like my mom used to make us when we were kids. all i want him to do is like my cooking. and it sounds so dumb. but i keep thinking... its kind of important. what man is going to want to spend the rest of his life with a woman who cannot make the things he likes to eat? eating is an important thing, ya know? if i was a good cook like a certain few friends of mine... well i wouldn't have any issues at all now would i? but i'm a very basic cook with just a limited everyday menu. however, i can set a nice holiday table.

i guess i'm an everyday menu kinda girl.
basic stuff, nothing fancy, but i clean up nice on holidays. and that's okay with me. i look the way i look, i am the person i am. this week together makes it impossible to hide anything from him. i mean all those little personal things girls do and don't necessarily want the man they adore to know about them. i don't know, it's not that i want him to think i'm perfect because he knows i'm not ... it's just ... a girl thing. sometimes i feel 16. and how can that be at 37?

well i'm putting off a task just now
and i'm under strict orders "sir, yes sir!"
to get this paper written.
i love the way he gets me on task. okay i have to confess normally i would hate that ... but it's the way he does it... it's the wayyy he does it. and i love that.

i'm off to get busy, so i can get busy later cookin dinner
later

yo

yo yo bishes
the man be all up in my kool aid
i'm puttin down tha dope yo
kick it

i'm currently creating the profile for the toty

pray for your homegirl yo
send 7 stars and kiss a tree frog for good luck

wound up tighter than a 7 day clock

it's past 10 on a sunday night and i should be long in bed.
i'm getting up at 5 tomorrow no matter what and i'm forcing myself not to be pissy.
i'm forcing myself to get to work at 7am, no excuses, no playing around.
i suddenly am faced with a never ending list to do.

i am the world's worst procrastinator.
and i say that i'm not going to be this way and yet i always am.
it's probably the most maddening thing about me.

the only reason i'm going to get this paper written next week is because i'll be staying with a good taskmaster.
he is good for me.
i know this. he does help me stay organized and focused, and that is probably why i haven't had any cracks or breaks lately in the matte finish i try to maintain ...

so i will get the paper done at least.

i just keep thinking that someday there has to be an end to the endless list of to do.
when does that occur?
when does that happen?

i guess when it does i may be bored ...
so i'll be thankful now for the things i have to do.

we got a groovy kinda love

experience is a wonderful thing sometimes and truly the best teacher.
how can we know what is truly good until we know what is truly bad?
perhaps there is something to the way of suffering and the path to enlightenment afterall.

i dunno. philosophy aside, the thought occurs to me tonight that we can only appreciate the goodness of real love when we've walked through the fire of a love gone wrong. or maybe its the case where we can only appreciate a love so true when we have only been loved so falsely before? i think it must be. i'm 37 years old. i can't pretend i've never said "i love you" to anyone before, nor would i want to, but at this point in my life i think i have a better grasp of what that means than i did when i said it at 16 or 21 or 25 or 30 ... or even 35 ... we change and we grow into the people we are from the experiences that shape our lives.

and i guess in the overall "experience" of being falsely loved i can honestly say that i've experienced the typical garden varieties. it all began with the forbidden love, typical of teenage heartbreak for that is exactly what it was, don't all girls go through that anyway? then there was the 'longing forever' love, where you are head over heels but the other person leaves you longing. and then there was the 'i can't live without him' kind of love of the teenage variety that ended in a 9 year ill planned and ill lived marriage. and after that other kinds of love. there was illicit love, the love of the thrill. and then there is the dreaded 'bigscreen love' in which every line is so well rehearsed you never see them coming. and the many forms of love will leave you scarred and hurt. some will make you cry because you are sad and some will make you scream in anger for believing in something you couldn't see.

but it is all of these many bad experiences with love or what i thought love to be that allow me now to find out what it really is...
it is sweetness, and innocence and the shining of something once jaded.
it is light shining in dark corners and cupboards that were long ago boarded up with the keys thrown away.
it is loving someone so much that you can lose yourself inside them and yet never lose yourself.
it is a man who tells you he is your soul and he can say that because he knows its true.
it's a groovy kind of love.


love's note of the night ... for those who have ever loved false or true

When You Are Old ... William Butler Yeats

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once,
and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim Soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

with one eye open

this morning's rant:

i am out of sugar !
how can this be? and why didn't i go to the store and just get some?
you see the problem is now instead of having sweet, mellow, lovely sugar in my coffee, i am forced to have bitter sugar substitute from the little pukey pink packet. don't get me wrong, i'm sure the little pink packet has it's place in society. i'm sure it has enhanced the life of millions of people all over the world, but there is no substitute for the two heaping spoonfuls of sugar i need in my morning cup of java. so unless i want to suffer every morning, i guess i will be making a trip to the most hated place of all... the grocery store. either that or visit some fast food restaurant and make off with a bunch of their sugar packets, which is only a temporary fix.

bleh.
i hate getting up this early on saturday. it seems that i should be able to sleep in without penalty but this isn't the case today. and what's worse, i will be gone most of the day, out of the sanctuary, which is a bad thing since i have so much to do.
damn the world and their made up tests and deadlines.

can you tell i really don't wanna have to do this thing today?

evenin' notes

it's kind of a weird night to have a headache.
it should be a great night and i should feel better than this i think after a good day.
it's hard to explain it's a letdown of sorts. i tried to explain it earlier ... it's like coming off an incredible high and then all the adrenaline leaves you and your body just aches all over and you are low ... it's strange that way. i think it's okay just to say i'm exhausted.

i'm yawning and i'm sleepy which must be a good thing since i need to go to bed soon.
i have a long day tomorrow, and a long weekend ahead full of work.
i need some me time. i have so many things i have to get done this weekend.

but right now my head is sore and i'm going to sleep .. i may even sleep in til 6