the list

listen up kids!

i gotta list to do.

god that's funny.
man
i used to live by lists
i was so dictated to and by and i was such a fucking mental mess
i had all these fucking lists.
it's hysterical to me now.

i was in this messed up place at the time. everything in my life was messed up. work, home, bad relationships with men that made me crazy.... so i had all these fuckin lists.

i had a journal of lists. that's how fuckin sick it was.
do you want a life where you need a list to stay alive?

but now, it's so much better and different
i have this list see, what a list.
it's like this little empowerment list. everything i do on it makes me one step closer to freedom, everything i do on it brings me one step closer to the one i love.

so this is not an oppressive list
it's a list of incredible possibilities waiting to be fulfilled
so i can have what i want in the end.

but still ... it's one huge fuckin list.

i'm gonna be busy from now til about 5ish tonight running and moving and doing ...
but hey
i've got the best playlists in the world ya know
it's all the songs i have listened to with him ...

i think he gets it
he must afterall
he knows how bad i'm crushin on him just now

i feel like a teenage girl waitin on her first date just now...
knowing it's coming and when and what time
all these little preparations
for that one special *boy*

and the funny thing is ... if i tell the truth about it
of all the first dates i've ever had in my life
the only one i remember is the one i had with him ...

i gotta get busy!
i have a date soon !
we have green green green at 10 am
let's go racin' boys !

sweet spots and murky water

*smoochies to my friend miss julia for being a good friend.

i'm tryin to sort past all this rage and i think i'm to the point where it's just still.
i know what i need. i need release and there is only one place outside my head i can even come close to getting the kind of release i need and i don't get that til thursday. that sweet spot.

everybody needs a sweet spot. it's the spot you feel the safest in and the place you feel the most wonderful in. it's better than your happy place. your happy place is imaginary, your sweet spot is the real deal. and thursday i'm going to my sweet spot. the place i'm happiest on earth. and i will be able to let go of this rage and anger and all these bad feelings. i just gotta fly.

too many heavy things are on my mind lately.

how can i describe it to somebody who isn't bipolar?
it's the feeling of being in water up to your waist and when you look down and things are good the water is soooooo clear you can see your toes... and then as your head gets heavier the water gets murkier and murkier til you can't see your toes and the water beneath your waist is all black.... and the point becomes whether or not the water rises.

well all this rage has made the water a little murky lately.
and my head is spinning hence the 8 day string of on and off again headaches.
worrying, forever worrying. and worrying leads to self doubt and other wasted emotion.

love peace and happiness is what i should focus on. i keep sayin it, it should be true. it's kinda hard to do when you feel like you are living in hell sometimes.

so i'll just keep writing all these bitter words i have... random words of rage


well i hear you're sorry now
about the way things worked out
it's too late to come back running
when the crowd has dealt you out
just remember when it's not too late
the ones you loved were the ones you hate
just remember when your not too drunk
the ones you count on are the ones you fuck
well i hear my name is all over town
because you're out running 'round
just remember when it's not too hard
the ones you left were the ones who tried
just remember when your not too sick
it's all a matter of who you picked.

i could have been your everything
when we were all alone
i don't know why you shook me out
but it wears me and tears me up
rings me sideways now
just to know

i could have been your something
when we were somebody
those words
all your words were lies
i could have been just some fling
and i was stupid just to stay
just to say ...
anything

i don't know why you took me home
but it kills me now and rips me up
leaves me hanging out
just to know
i could have been.... anything.

brown paper bag

i feel like a brown paper bag

just plain and crumpled up like someone brought the groceries home in and just stuffed the bag down in the trash without folding it up ....

i don't feel sorry for myself
i'm not sad and melancholy
i just don't feel very good about myself right now
i can't describe it and it's not a very good feeling

i'm so angry ...
it's so deceiving when i'm angry because it's so much worse on the inside.
in my head is are a host of voices
and one wants to scream ... just fucking scream
and one wants to rage on in mutterances at the world
one just wants to say "fuckkkkkkkkkkkk"
and then there are those that are so scripted and bitter and vile
"oh what i wouldn't say to you given half a chance... "

and i'm so full of it
this anger
because so much of it is suppressed
goddamn i'm so fucking angry at so many people
i have so many things i want to say to them
from so long ago all the way up to now ...

it's all that shit i can't say because i don't have a chance now
or
because i just feel like i can't for whatever reason ... i just wasn't brought up to be mean and so what would it serve to be ugly ... just to make someone else feel like a brown paper bag .... or because i'm a chicken shit ... whatever i don't fucking care how you judge me

but damn it
there comes a time when you've just been put upon
one too many times

maybe if i just indulge those little voices and just let them out ...
fucking just talk to myself just one more time ....
or better yet talk to the demons just one more time

but right now i'm gonna talk to my good friend julia instead ... because that's what friends are for