happy bastille day ... again
happy bastille day and happy birthday eve kids!
in a little while it will be my birthday.
i'm fully medicated and i am waiting for a child to fall asleep (she thinks if she doesn't sleep the root canal scheduled for tomorrow won't happen)
and i'm sitting here quietly with her...
thinking about bastille day and what it means to me
it's french independence day
but it's my independence day as well.
12 years ago today i filed for divorce from my first husband.
i sat in my attorney's office bleary eyed and hungover... i had my sunglasses on and i just remember the coffee cup not wanting to be still in my hand.
i remember my mother driving me because the appointment was at the ungodly hour of 8am.
and then i remember going home and having to clean margaritas and nachos off the bathroom tile.
but god i was free. and i was so thankful. probably as thankful as the french on bastille day.
and now here we are full circle again, it is bastille day and i'm on the eve of filing for divorce again.
my goddess powers are at their highest right now, but it's a secret.
it's my birthmonth and so i have the ability to shed myself of husbands and entanglements and those intending to harm me. i have reviewed all of the case files in detail this evening. and it is so. first the marriages to end in july .. and then all those other entanglements. joe, and that fellow from they burn women like me at the stake... heh.. all the way back to johnny ...
my god.. nearly every man whose ever bent me or bruised only to be cut off in july had a name that began with a j. more coincidence of the universe. if you believe in coincidence.
personally i believe in fate.
i was meant to meet these men. in one way or another through all the bullshit they put me through i am all the stronger for it. i didn't come out more jaded, or untrusting. i didn't come out questioning true love or the existance of love. i came out of all that shit, all those lies, all that crap stronger. i trust, i love. and everytime i lost, i gained. and this time when i lost, i gained more than i ever thought i could. i'm so damn lucky sometimes. for all the fucked up shit that's gone down ... there's some good karma out there with my name on it that's here to stay.
and about these goddess powers.
it's my birth month.
and my birth week,
and now, my birthday.
and i can have anything i want if i just want it enough. that's the way it is when my powers are this high. i can believe it and it will happen, oh it will happen. and i'm not stupid, i'm not talking about spending powers on wishing the boy would show up in 6 hours on my doorstep. that's not going to happen. i'm just saying that there are certain things that i can make possible right now if i act upon them when i am at my peak of feeling like this.
and what does this feel like ?
this feels like 38.
38 is comfy.
38 is having short hair and being confident that i'm a cute redhead with a pixie cut.
38 is wearing his tshirt and boxers and not really giving a shit if i have a bra on because i'm a real woman and guess what? real woman don't have tits that stand off their chests like cones. if you can pass the pencil test at 38 ... goody for you, but i don't have to worry about your standards because i'm comfortable in my own skin thank you.
38 is being comfortable with laugh lines and little wrinkles that occur because i laugh and frown and occasionally wrinkle my brow.
38 feels like being able to be me ...
38 feels a whole lot like freedom.
oh and just in case i could get anything i wanted.. it would be the boy and after a good bit of "i love you" and mush mush... i'd like to try to flip the recliner again.
in a little while it will be my birthday.
i'm fully medicated and i am waiting for a child to fall asleep (she thinks if she doesn't sleep the root canal scheduled for tomorrow won't happen)
and i'm sitting here quietly with her...
thinking about bastille day and what it means to me
it's french independence day
but it's my independence day as well.
12 years ago today i filed for divorce from my first husband.
i sat in my attorney's office bleary eyed and hungover... i had my sunglasses on and i just remember the coffee cup not wanting to be still in my hand.
i remember my mother driving me because the appointment was at the ungodly hour of 8am.
and then i remember going home and having to clean margaritas and nachos off the bathroom tile.
but god i was free. and i was so thankful. probably as thankful as the french on bastille day.
and now here we are full circle again, it is bastille day and i'm on the eve of filing for divorce again.
my goddess powers are at their highest right now, but it's a secret.
it's my birthmonth and so i have the ability to shed myself of husbands and entanglements and those intending to harm me. i have reviewed all of the case files in detail this evening. and it is so. first the marriages to end in july .. and then all those other entanglements. joe, and that fellow from they burn women like me at the stake... heh.. all the way back to johnny ...
my god.. nearly every man whose ever bent me or bruised only to be cut off in july had a name that began with a j. more coincidence of the universe. if you believe in coincidence.
personally i believe in fate.
i was meant to meet these men. in one way or another through all the bullshit they put me through i am all the stronger for it. i didn't come out more jaded, or untrusting. i didn't come out questioning true love or the existance of love. i came out of all that shit, all those lies, all that crap stronger. i trust, i love. and everytime i lost, i gained. and this time when i lost, i gained more than i ever thought i could. i'm so damn lucky sometimes. for all the fucked up shit that's gone down ... there's some good karma out there with my name on it that's here to stay.
and about these goddess powers.
it's my birth month.
and my birth week,
and now, my birthday.
and i can have anything i want if i just want it enough. that's the way it is when my powers are this high. i can believe it and it will happen, oh it will happen. and i'm not stupid, i'm not talking about spending powers on wishing the boy would show up in 6 hours on my doorstep. that's not going to happen. i'm just saying that there are certain things that i can make possible right now if i act upon them when i am at my peak of feeling like this.
and what does this feel like ?
this feels like 38.
38 is comfy.
38 is having short hair and being confident that i'm a cute redhead with a pixie cut.
38 is wearing his tshirt and boxers and not really giving a shit if i have a bra on because i'm a real woman and guess what? real woman don't have tits that stand off their chests like cones. if you can pass the pencil test at 38 ... goody for you, but i don't have to worry about your standards because i'm comfortable in my own skin thank you.
38 is being comfortable with laugh lines and little wrinkles that occur because i laugh and frown and occasionally wrinkle my brow.
38 feels like being able to be me ...
38 feels a whole lot like freedom.
oh and just in case i could get anything i wanted.. it would be the boy and after a good bit of "i love you" and mush mush... i'd like to try to flip the recliner again.
posted by crazy in kc @ 2:25 AM
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