late night thoughts

i hate that it's this time.
i hate it, i hate it, i hate it.

i know it's just time.
he says ... we will both be busy, it will go fast baby, you know it will be fine.
he's right, i know he's right.

but damn
right now can't i be 5?

because at 5 you can cry when life is unfair, and you can throw a fit and it's okay because you are 5. sure, at some point people will get onto you and tell you to stop, but it's a whole lot more acceptable at than it is at 37 and 51 weeks.

i want to cry right now and kick and scream and throw stuff.

but i'm not. i'm sitting quietly, having a smoke, thinking about my nervous stomach and why it's doing flip flops. the boy is sleeping quietly, i just tucked him in. i'm going to crawl in with him in a minute and get my cuddle on. the last one for 8 weeks.

i am going to hate leaving here. this little paradise with him.

thoughts of all that are waiting for me back there have starting to list themselves out in my head again ... get drivers license renewed, keep working on house, sort papers, get stuff ready for yard sale, rip up carpeting ... blah blah blah blah blah ...

it goes on and on all these things

here's this thing that just hit me ...

you know when you are in love and there is a kiss or a moment or something happens where you feel like "the whole world stops and it's just the two of us" ?

well, as i sit here and think on it, those moments are great and they are sustaining, but it's all the other moments in between, the moments of hard work and sacrifice and day to day struggle that are going to be the moments that are going to get us together forever.

so i think something is trying to tell me ... look, you've had your moments, now you have to go back to reality and do the really hard work for just a little while longer until you can have that time together, that end result you are both working so hard for.

is it that?

and i don't even care right now if he transfers there, or i move here.
i can't even think there.
i have to think one step at a time.
get the divorce. get the house fixed up. sell the house. finish up my contract.
and in between all that reality, have these moments with this boy i love so much.
every thing has it's own time. i need to learn that really.

i need more time with this boy.
i need more time to convince him that he can't live without me.
i need more time to make him see that i'm essential to his happiness.

i need to be 35 turning 36
not 37 turning 38.

i don't want to be 38.

there is something fundamentally wrong and flawed with that number.

and just for the record, i refuse to worry about what people say when they think i can't hear...
"38 years old and two failed marriages, poor girl"

i may have two failed marriages, this is true.
but i'm hardly in the "poor girl" category.
there is a fine specimen of a man in the bedroom right now that i'm going to go snuggle up next to and i doubt seriously that he would agree with anyone who called me a "poor girl"

i've rambled enough about nonsense and what's cluttering my head.
i may be able to sleep now. i may not.
i have to fly tomorrow and i'm not looking forward to it... i'm sure it will be fine though.

goodnight :)