happy halloween !

happy halloween everybody!

ahhh another of my favorite holidays... any holiday where candy is involved is, of course, on the most favored holidays list.

the clocks fell back an hour this weekend and messed up my body clock. last night my body felt like it should be an hour later than it really was, but still, i could not get to sleep. i ended up being up wide eyed til about 11, which was really midnight. at least that's what i kept telling myself. then this morning i woke up before the alarm even went off, i guess my body had enough sleep, even though i don't hardly see how 6 and a half hours is nearly enough sleep. and i woke up feeling pretty good actually, with the exception of a minor stitch in my side.

i've been taking this super strong time released sudafed because i think a large part of the headaches i've been having are due to sinus related issues. they must be since that part of my face feels swollen and sore to the touch. but i think the sudafed is interfering with my bipolar drugs and is making me either borderline manic or very very hyper. it's not bad though. it's not a bad kind of reaction like the claritin the doctor prescribed... it's just a lot of energy to deal with all at once. and really, to be honest, right now i could use a little bit of extra energy. after all, who couldn't once in a while?

at work today we are supposed to wear "fall festival colors"... because everybody wants to be politically correct and we can't say "Halloween colors" so in protest i've decided that my fall festival colors will be all black. i'm just a little sick of all this politically correct bullshit. since when did Halloween become fall festival? Halloween is just what it is. it's Halloween dammit! it's the day that people get to put on goofy or scary costumes and little kids get to trick or treat and get sick on chocolate after they trudge out into a wet, damp, october night to collect all their loot. you can't collect candy at "fall festival" dammit! i want to take the politically correct bulletin we got announcing fall festival and tell whoever wrote it to shove it.

happy hallow's eve everybody !

just do it

today was my no good, terrible, horrible, very bad day.
the stress at work got to me so badly that i melted down and just had to leave around noon.
but you know .. what is done is done and now i'm going to move ahead and not let the forces of doom and gloom get me down.

i have to move on and i will.

there are two choice in this life
take the high road
or
get in the mud with the pigs and wrestle

and i'm on the high road.

that's it
that's what i need to tell myself in order to feel confident... and really, even if that is what i need to do to feel superior. because if i feel inferior then i will let them beat me... and really that's not going to happen. it's not a possibility.

i'm really tired no and i'm going to bed
peace

sundry sunday commentary

various and sundry commentary on events in the news and other places:

1. last nights race in charlotte: mmmmm k, so the track in charlotte is fucked up. was this maybe done on purpose so that both times this year they could fix it so jimmie fucking johnson could win? jfj wins 4th consecutive race at lowe's ... jimmie's house indeed. it's time to call the big bad wolf in to blow his house down.

2. on saddam hussein's legal rights. i'm sick to fucking death of hearing about his legal rights. why do we have to be so civilized with the rest of the world? and why does it have to be such a complex process? i don't think the trials at nuremburg had this much red tape and all the criminals were punished accordingly. i really don't give two shits about saddam's civil rights... did anyone care about the civil and legal rights of all the people he tortured and killed ... NO. sometimes it just kills me that we are forced to be so humane and that we have to live to the highest standard of the law just because we are who we are.

3. baseball playoffs... not a huge fan so ... who cares? other than for historical value i'd like to see the white sox take the whole thing.

4. an inmate in the missouri prison system continues to fight back and forth with the state over her right to have an abortion. the big hold up? the state would have to pay to transport the inmate to the abortion clinic and would have to pay for her security while she was there having the procedure done. the bottom line is that the state doesn't want to use public money to fund an abortion. they have been to court now 3 times over this, the final judge's ruling says that the woman does have a right to the abortion and that the state has no legal right to stop the woman from obtaining the abortion, meaning that by refusing transport to the clinic they would be denying her the right to choose. OKAY ! here's the deal with this ... the state would pay far less money if they would just let the woman have the abortion, if they let her carry this pregnancy to term the pregnancy in question cost the taxpayer in terms of prenatal care and costs of delivery. i'm not pro abortion, i'm not anti abortion, but the argument about whether or not to do this is ludicrous, especially if they are arguing over the money. that's a pretty fucking lame argument because one way or another the state is going to pay... why not just argue it under what they are really arguing about ... ? i know, i know ... the argument is over using STATE funds to pay for an abortion and they don't wanna piss off the righteous right in the state.

okay enough bitching for sunday !

peace out

half without blues

it's chilly here... and 2 am
and the moon is nearly full.

i'm sitting here with the window open and the cool night air is just rushing in. i'm cold enough to get up and put on some polar fleece, but i don't want to close the window. the house is aching for fresh air and admittedly, so am i. i want to feel cool crisp fall air on my face when i sleep.

i had the blues today, this afternoon was especially bad. it seemed as the hours came closer to the time to get off work ... all i wanted in the world was for it to be last friday. all i wanted was to know that i had the most wonderful thing in the world to look forward to... picking him up at the airport. that's what i wanted to look forward to, but instead i knew that when 4:00 came, that wasn't coming with it, and i was incredibly sad. it was heartbreaking in a way.

i guess i'm a dork in some sappy way. i don't care though. its the way i feel. i feel only half without myself today.

fall friday

it has become friday again, all on its own. that's what time does. it just happens.
i'm grateful for time actually. i want the holidays to come. not that i'm ready for them by any means, not that i will be ready for them. i will still be as broke as ever and unprepared, but at least it will be more time off work that i can spend with the sweet boyfriend.

work is work and nothing changes there. i can get through it if i just compartmentalize all the stress and do my thing, which i seem to be doing with the help of my sweet boyfriend and all his pep talks. he keeps me so level sometimes, it's amazing.

fall is here at last. i'm so so happy. i love this cool, crisp weather. its sweater weather !
i may spend this weekend washing the sweaters and airing them out, putting away all the summer capris that are no longer to be worn without a citation from the fashion police. that means i have to find all my long britches (ha... britches) and get them ready too. i love this change in seasons. i think i love fall the best of all.

okay i'm rambling on now and work is calling...
i'd love to have a day off all to myself to do nothing, but it's not to be
peace

simple things

it occurs to me that when i kept a journal where i wrote strictly about one subject i was much more witty and fun. i sort of miss my secret sex journal. i may have to revisit that soon and try to write there occasionally because the people in that small community of readers gave me many a laugh and many a stroke (no pun intended). i don't write there anymore simply because i don't have time to.

time is the squasher of most of my fun filled plans lately. i'm finding now that the pinball machine is loaded up with quarters again, that i don't have time for much that has to do with me at all. this is bad, bad, bad indeed! and i think at some point along the line, it really must stop. i've come to the conclusion that the only person that can really stop it is me. and so beginning today i am going to start using the word "no", simply "no". i cannot continue to do things for other people that drain away my time and keep me from doing the things i need to do for myself. i never knew that i'd have such a problem saying the one word my mother tried to teach me from birth ... no.

on the soon to be ex front, there is little news other than the fact that he is purposely trying to worry me with his histrionics and hysterics. it took him all this time to find a decent job and now that he's found one it is beginning to look like he's using his benefits trying to find a way to get out of work. so help me, i swear, if he pulls a stunt like coming up with some ailment that keeps him from working i may have to personally disable him. every other day i get a new email detailing his visit to some new doctor and telling me all that they have found wrong with him. my sweet boyfriend tells me not to worry, that he is simply fishing for my sympathy and trying to ruin whatever bliss i have. my mom is telling me that he is simply being dramatic and now that he has insurance he has resumed his role as the perpetual hypochondriac. i know that they are both right, but DAMN does he have to worry me with his doomsday scenarios all the time? right now i need him to keep working so that he can keep helping me pay bills. and let me be clear, this injury he has is real, it's just that it's something he has lived with for a while now and unless he wants to have a complicated neck surgery, he's just going to have to learn to deal with it. when he went to the neurosurgeon, before the separation, he had no interest in surgery because the risks involved were too great. now suddenly he's talking about it. i think it really is a plot to play on my sympathy. despite whatever may come from this, i do know one thing for sure... he is not going to move back in here.

i have established a pretty peaceful habitat for myself here. there is not a constant source of stress when i come home from work that keeps me shut up in the sanctuary like a prisoner, and quite frankly, i will NEVER again live like a prisoner. i have tasted freedom and i don't want to ever go back to a time where i have to live like a shut-in again.

he continues to ask my mother and the children if there is someone else. he will not ask me the question because i think he is afraid to find out the answer to his question. i will tell him that yes, there is someone else, and yes, he does make me happy, and yes, i do intend to spend the rest of my days with him.

oh and ... speaking of the rest of my days...
i know what i want.
yes, i know... it's incredible for me to know exactly what i want ... but i do !
when i get married again i want my engagement ring to be from circa 1930 ... i want an engagement ring that looks similar to the one my grandmother had.
you know ... she had a very simple ring, and a very simple marriage and it lasted until the day my grandfather died and well beyond, she never married again, never dated again, never so much as looked at another man. once some old coot chased her around her dining room table and we gave her a hard time about it and her answer to all of us was "why on earth would i want hamburger when all those years i had prime rib?" i have to admit that there is sense in that and i agreed with her.

so i have decided, i don't need a huge honkin piece of bling like i had with my last marriage.
instead i want this time what i want.
i want a little piece of good karma on my finger. i want a little stamp from the past to remind me of the good old days. i want a ring that when i fidget with (because that's what i do) it reminds me of a love that was so strong that it withstood a world war and the raising of four children and a host of other ups and downs along the way and still ended strong and true.
that is what i want.

and you know what?
i think i have found the boy that will understand that and give it to me.

and i think that would make my grandma very happy indeed.