to live with less ...

my head is full
but don't judge me
don't you dare judge me til you've had to do the things i've had to do
or lived inside my head a week or two...

i'm doing a clean sweep today
it's time to give up the old me
nobody quite understands and they think it's funny
but i have it down and i know what i'm doing
before you begin anew you must part with the old.

if this is the story of my life then i will rewrite it the way i want to
i have that power

so i'm giving up the handbags and gladrags
why not?
it's merely the shell of the ghost
why not set it free?
it feels good to be rid of these things i do not need

to live with more sometimes
you have to start by living with less.

strange days are these

strange, strange days are these.
i find myself in the midst of fall in every sense, with all the stresses of the world being my own autumn leaves. and this midwest season has been rarer than most, mild and warm, convertible weather in november. yet in this last week, the first frost left me bitterly cold and defenseless.

i'm managing through it though.
just like the the trees don't die in the fall and winter, neither will i. i'm going to use this time to get good and healthy and strong.

i decided on my christmas tree tonight. it's going to be bloooooooo. heh.

i remember one christmas with a group of really good friends i used to work with and hang with, one of the guys had a *blooooooooooo* tree. of course, it came out *blooooooooooooooo* because he was completely wasted at the time he was describing said tree.

but i found the decorations and i'm getting all the snowmen out.
the children want the singing frogs and i know i will have to get them out too.
i never realized at the time that all the things i put out when they were babies would come back to be the traditions they demanded as teenagers.

last year with all the strife here i didn't put up a tree and the year before i only had a small one. they want and deserve to have a happy holiday. a christmas house, just the way they had when they were little. they deserve christmas shopping and starbucks hot chocolate and ice skating. they need to be taught how to make candy and cookies and how to wrap presents properly. i want to give them all they should have this year.

and they will have it.

i bought my first christmas present today. and it made me so happy.
it was for my boy, my boyfriend
he's going to love it.
i'm getting very excited about christmas.

i'm getting very excited about alot of things
and i have a huge list of to do that i need to deal with tomorrow
and i will ... tomorrow.

but for now i will sleep because that is what i need most

crabby crab

grrrrrrrrr
grrrrrrrrr
grrrrrrrr

and good morning

i woke up in a cranky, angry mood this morning and i don't know why. well, i know part of the reason i guess. i stumbled out of the bedroom and into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and the entire house is trashed, simply trashed, and my dryer is broken. and i seem to have raised the two laziest children on the face of the planet.

i need to make really good use of my time today and do some major housework and cleaning and get some things done around here that really need to be done. i need to get the laundry room cleaned out enough that the dryer repair man actually has enough room to work on the dryer if he needs to. and i should go ahead and unpack and move the rest of the boxes and get things settled in there and pictures rehung and make it look like people live here again.

i also need to go to the bank and go get the oil changed in my car and at some point go to the laundrymat.

but i don't know if i dare go out.

if i go out then i may just run the streets and spend money that should be spent on other things and that wouldn't be wise to do. and i'm not so sure i have the willpower to not spend it on things that are bad.

this would be such a great day for me to have a keeper :(

sometimes in my manic state i so desperately need a keeper. i need someone to keep me from doing those self destructive things i'm going to regret later and feel bad about later. i need someone today to go with me to the store and the bank and put back the stuff i don't need and make me only get the things i really need. i need someone to take my keys away and tell me i don't need to go out roaming the streets looking for trouble... i need someone to stay here and make me do my chores.

i'm not 5
i just don't have any self control when i get this way.

and it's not an issue of knowing right from wrong or wanting to be good or not ...
it's something i can't control
it's this feeling once i get out there that i'm invincible and that nothing bad could possibly happen to me if i get off task ...
until later when i start coming down from the manic part and then i figure out what i've done.

i think that is the crabby mood setting in
the restless mood
the mood of knowing that i just want to be shed of this skin and this place

well my boy is here now
maybe i shall talk to him and he will make this all better
sometimes he does you know
peace

worry and distraction

i hate myself sometimes when i get like this
when i think too much and i just need to go to sleep.
i hate when i overanalyze the smallest things and make myself crazy so that i am worrying and obsessing over the most minute of details.
and what i really hate is when i spend time worrying over something that is nothing, something that is made up and all in my head. i let that stuff destroy me sometimes.

i need to just go to sleep.
i need to get sleepy and go to sleep.

and i need to not worry.

i wish my doctor hadn't cancelled his appointment today on me.
i really needed that appointment. i need to talk to him about this increasing problem i'm having with worry creeping in on my life.

okay enough.
i'm just shutting it down and going to bed or it's going to go on all night.

the beatles at 13

just in case anyone ever wanted to know ...
my favorite beatles song is "i've just seen a face"
there are others i love...
"blackbird", "paperback writer", "the long and winding road"

i'm really too young to be a 'back in the day' beatles fan, but something happened way back when to make me one. john lennon was assassinated when i was 13. so at 13, in 1980, i discovered the beatles, like a million 13 year old girls before, the only difference was the catalyst.

i have beautiful volumes of expensive coffee table memorabilia books packed away in airtight containers downstairs, gifts from someone of very long ago. gifts from my birthday at 13. i seem to remember everything about the year of 13.

it was at 13 i first developed the tendencies of a stalker.

i had this mad crush on this man that worked with my parents at the bakery. we spent all the long hot nights of 13 working together in the bakery that summer. he was 26, and i was desperately in love with him and convinced that our life long relationship could work despite a 13 year age difference. i mean, afterall, when i was 26 he would be 39... and that would be okay, wouldn't it ? i think i even asked him that on the night that he broke my 13 year old heart. he was a good guy, a nice decent guy, a good catholic boy who had turned away from the seminary in his last year. and he was wildly handsome and so smart and funny that in my 13 year old brain he became the ideal of romantic and courtly love. so he did the right thing, and told my parents about my crush and let me down easy, and it was all supposed to be a 1950's tv show ending ...

but instead...

i was obsessed by him even after
and i was still madly in love with him and convinced that he would someday regret his decision to cast me aside because i was so young, that someday he would regret the loss of a love so pure and good. and so i did what any budding stalker does... i called him every year on his birthday, to tell him happy birthday, and to remind him that i loved him and that he had thrown away a love so pure and true. this went on for 4 years.

i even went to see him one last time, at his very own bakery where he had set up shop. i was out on a date with this guy i had been seeing and we decided to go in. i guess it was my final way to either say good bye to it or to rub his nose in the fact that he couldn't have me (in my own warped and twisted way)

so i guess i have been a stalker.
though i was an innocent teenage one.

it's a story i've never written down or admitted to anyone. i'm not necessarily proud of it, but i'm not necessarily ashamed of it either. i did what i did. i had my first real crush and got my heart broken for the first real time. and in the process i guess i went a little crazy. i probably should have known then that something in my head wasn't quite right but then again, living with my family in the life i led, how could anybody tell?

but what started all this was my favorite beatles song ...
and i how discovered the beatles...
it was because of him. he's the one who taught me that summer who the beatles were and got me started on the road to discovering their music. all those late nights into the dawn that we worked together the oldies station would play their songs and i would listen over and over and over again to the lyrics. people wonder where i get my knowledge of oldies music ... now they know.

and it's funny too, i don't think of him when i hear the beatles...
instead when i hear "i've just seen a face" i close my eyes and i don't see a thing but the music ... and all i feel is happy inside.