i love you i love you i love you

i was attacked by wild yellow jackets yesterday when i mowed over their nest! OUCH !

so while i sit here all swollen with beautiful angelina jolie lips ... i'm sending out this song to the boy i love for sitting up with me til 3 in the morning ... because he loves me and he sits up late with me just to make sure i can still breathe through swollen lips.

These words are my own, from my heart flow,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
There's no other way to better say I love you, I love you..... (from Natasha Bedingfield, these words are mine)

all about me

i'm taking a break from cleaning ...
it's 12:39 on a fine and lovely saturday in my town and i'm cooped up here doing all those stupid tasks that should be done by a merry maid and not by me.

i wish i had a wife... like june cleaver.

a wife would solve all my problems...
she could clean for me, and cook for me, and wash my clothes and iron them for me.
i don't think i would need her to talk to me though.
i would just want her to do stuff.
yep, i need a 50's kind of wife.

it's only in fairy tales though.
my father's mother wasn't that wife and neither was my mother's mother.
i've never met any wife or mother like that.
it's only some television dream.

why do they lie to the average mortal woman?
why do they insist on telling us we can have it all ... and now they seem to have added more.
i'm not getting it.
when am i supposed to have time to have it all?
work takes work time
kids take most of the other time
and then the house takes the rest
and sometimes i get to sleep.

i dunno but i thought some happy, joy joy *me allllll me* time was supposed to happen in there sometime.

i used to know this guy and the only decent thing about him was that he constantly said to me "it's all about you (insert baby or honey or something of the like here)" that was the only decent thing about him ... but it's too bad he didn't mean it. he would say it but then it would always end up being all about him anyway. i guess in retrospect it really wasn't decent if he didn't mean it.

i'm glad that's not the case anymore.
i guess in this life i'm living now i can make it all about me ...
when i find the time sometime

friday at last !

it's friday and i can't even begin to tell you how happy i am that it's friday.
friday means the start of two whole days without having to go to the den of the devil.
friday means i get to spend some times with my boy and my friends.

i have been a horrible friend lately.
not on purpose either. i have a friend who called me on sunday and i have been meaning to call her back all week and i still haven't done it. it's not been on purpose but it's been because i've been so busy and so drained when i get home that i just can't even be coherent enough to talk. either that or work follows me right through the door and i don't have any time before i go to bed to make any personal calls. last night i spent about an hour doing some work things, making calls and sending emails to take care of an urgent situation, all from home. and it wasn't something i could "put off", it is a necessary evil of my job sometimes.

i have too many excuses... i have just been a bad friend.

i'm going to do better this weekend and make myself do better in the future.
otherwise i'm just going to beat up on myself for being a slacker.

and sad news this morning...
my very favorite dillards store in the world is closing. *sobs*
it was the best store because it was in a teeny tiny mall and it meant no crowds, no traffic, no hassles. oh well, i guess this means i will spend less money because if i have to be hassled with all that now i know i will shop a whole lot less.

peace

seems like a mighty long time ...

it's been awhile.
that reminds me of that staind song i love so much... the one with the best lyric ever written in a rock song.

it's been awhile for so many things ...

it's been awhile since my lover has touched my skin with his hands, his lips, the beard on his chin. it's been a while since i've seen the color of his eyes up close, the jewel blue that they are when they shine on me. and it's been awhile since i've tasted his scent ... his smell so real i can feel it on my tastebuds, so close to me that my mouth waters.

i think about that song for a while and sink lower in my chair and i can close my eyes and hear an old barbara lewis song "hello stranger" ... the "shoo bop shoo bop my baby , oooh seems like a might long time, shoo bop shoo bop my baby, it seems like a might long time.. " someday i'd like to go to a recording studio and do a cover of that song and "baby i'm yours" ... just ... that i would.

and it seems like a mighty long time ...
since i haven't been consumed with work and all the stress that it entails. and it's doing bad things to my body. and i haven't been so good to my body either. i think i entered the mode of fight or flight and i never left. i don't know how to deal. i don't know what to do. i think i seriously need therapy. i think maybe i need to see the doctor. the doctor was very good for me before. he helped me figure out a way to forgive some things in myself when i didn't think i could. i didn't become selfish instead i became healed. my most excellent boyfriend has been my faithful therapist for so long. and so have my friends in so many ways. but i think as i sit here just now, this big epiphany... i need to see this doctor and treat it like anything else i would with my illness. if i see that all this stress is taking a very physical and mental toll, then i need to get some kind of treatment for it before anything does happen that will increase the liklihood of having a very real episode. and all the conditions are right for one. life changing stressful events coupled with very real daily stress that is much too complicated for anyone with a "normal" life to comprehend.

i don't even know what normal is... except for anyone but me.
this is normal. craziness and chaos is normal. it is my existance, it has been for all of my life. i know this and i have come to accept it. my normal would be a crisis someone else's everyday life. just like a homeless person's normal would be craziness for me.
normal is what normal is.
but i know all this stress isn't normal.
it isn't normal to be so stressed my body freaks out 8 days before it's supposed to.
it isn't normal to feel like this, tense all the time, rarely able to let something go.

and the reason i have to be urgent about this ... is that this is only the beginning of hell.
this isn't even the first ring... i have yet to enter the gates. i have much too far to go.

i was trying to get sleepy without taking a sleeping pill

it may have worked

tangents ... and soon

in a little while i will be disconnected from the internet
*gasp*
it's okay ... it's only going to be for a little while, they are coming to do the cable tomorrow...
so i will be faster, stronger, more powerful than before.
why do i sound like the 6 million dollar man?

this has been a hard week, in so many ways, it's just been wrong.
work has drained me, physically, emotionally, and mentally. i'm having a problem understanding idiocy. i think people who are non idiots generally have that problem. we can't understand and we find it difficult to function... and my problem is i get frustrated, angry and then i lose it, followed by a period of feeling blue because i can't beat the idiot.

i swear all of america must follow the peter principle.

and you know i've found after having 2 successful professional careers and a host of other jobs that every job has a certain degree of bullshit, you just have to figure out what degree you can tolerate. i think i've reached bullshit saturation level.

by the way,
do you think i'm mentally ill because of the amount of peroxide that was poured into my ears as a child ? my mother cleaned our ears like people clean their dogs' ears. we would lay down with our head in her lap on a folded up towel and she would put drops of hydrogen peroxide in our ears and let it bubble up all the wax and gunk. it was strange. like having alka seltzer in your ear. then she would clean it with a q-tip (which stands for "quality" tip, by the way) and she would have us flip over and do the other ear. so i wonder how much of that peroxide got into my brain. but it doesn't matter now i guess since they use it to purify our drinking water.

why am i off like this?

oh yeah
i want my boy.
i want him now.
i need to see him and take care of him and love him all up.
and i need the same.

mutual footrubs are in order here.
soon dammit.

undone

the most important task left undone
ripped me raw and left me spent,
tears rolling down my cheeks
as the visions of hours passed in happiness
that would never happen
my thoughtlessness
undone
and all that remained were my tears
scorching my cheeks hot
to remind me of all
that would never happen,
my failures not forgotten
i was undone

baby, baby, baby
it's so urgent
i need you now
come, come please
baby, baby, baby
all those feelings
we cannot say
that yearning unnamed,
indescribable
baby, baby, baby
i feel you, you feel me
no need suppressed
tied under, pinned down
head over heels
baby, baby, baby.

i'm at the end of a very rough week.
at the end of an extremely long day.
i had to get my stuff ready today ... my deadline. they kicked me out at 7:30. monday is showtime. there is no time left. i am proud of what i have done. it is exceedingly good work. possibly the best i have ever done. the most colorful, the most creative and the most focused on the goal. but only one piece of it was completely finished. i need to do more... and i want to do it right this time and not like i have in years past. starting off slightly scattered, askew and disorganized.

but doing what i did left me drained and exhausted and emotionally on edge.
and i didn't do something that was very important and it made me sad.

but the boy helped me through it
god i love him

that the night come

i had so much to write about i guess..
but i don't know.
it's all escaping me now.

my head hurts from life.
life happens.
i don't know who came up with that but it's true.
it just happens, whether you want it to or not, it does. tomorrow will come, the sun will rise, i will have to go to work, a place i used to love. i don't love it right now. right now i can't feel any joy there. i feel like the life is being sucked out of me. and i know who the demon is, i just have to think of a way to banish him, or completely ignore him.

it's just this week.
i have to get past this week and i'll be okay.

i know what i need to do.
i've been such a slacker.
i haven't done anything for work, not a thing. *major sigh*

i know what i need to do.
i need to just say that i will stay on thursday and friday night til about 7 each night so that i'm completely ready ... that's what i need to do.

i can't believe it's the first day of work and i already feel like this.

oh and i still don't know what i'm wearing tomorrow.

pennies and words for my soul today provided by william butler yeats... that the night come

She lived in storm and strife,
Her soul had such desire
For what proud death may bring
That it could not endure
The common good of life,
But lived as 'twere a king
That packed his marriage day
With banneret and pennon,
Trumpet and kettledrum,
And the outrageous cannon,
To bundle time away
That the night come.

dreams, nightmares and waking hours ...

dreams are funny things. i know that they are just random firings ... supposedly.
at least that's how one person used to try to soothe away my bad dreams, by telling me they didn't mean anything. it didn't really work. instead, i need to be reasoned with like a child and told that what i have dreamt cannot possibly exist or come true and i need to be given a list of rational reasons why so that i can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the nightmare was just that, a nightmare. i need it to be a nightmare because if it isn't that, then it becomes a possibility.

everytime i have a huge event in my life it comes out in my dream state. i'm sure that's true for most people. i'm sure i'm not alone. my dreams reveal either my darkest fears or my deepest wishes, the ones only i know and want.

when i was 16 and my grandfather died, i had the same kind of dream every night for weeks and months. i dreamt that he was just *away*. he was just away somewhere or hiding somewhere in the house and he would come out and say *ha, look at me, i'm still here* and the world was happy again. some of those dreams were so real that i would jump out of my bed in the morning and run to look in the closet downstairs, throw open the pocket doors and walk inside, because i knew, i just knew he was in there. and the reason he hid from us? it was all quite logical, he didn't want us to see him being sick, so he hid himself til he was well, then he came back out again. i don't remember exactly when i quit having those dreams, but eventually they stopped and were replaced by dreams of a 16 year old girl.

when i separated from my first husband i had to get a restraining order because he was the violent type. after i left him i had nightmares every night that he found me and killed me. it was nearly always the same. he followed me from whereever i was and as i was unloading groceries or getting inside the house from my car, he killed me very cleanly, killing me like a sniper would with a single bullet to the head. i had those dreams for years, up until very recently. and i was convinced for years that this was exactly how i would die, being shot in the head while unloading groceries in my own driveway.

now i'm having nightmares about this current soon to be ex and this situation. it's not so much the ex that is out to do me harm in these nightmares, but his family. oh his family... they hate me so much. saturday night it was his father ruining my beautiful walls with mud from his garden, and then last night it was a dream about my former favorite brother in law locking me up in an apartment with a plan to keep me there, a prisoner, until i died. i was saved though because i was resourceful enough to escape, but still the dream was horrible because someone wanted to do me harm.

i think that's where nightmares come from ... i know that someone is out there wishing me harm and my mind takes that feeling of hate and manifests it into my sleep state. it's certainly not because i hate them or think about them. i don't think about his family at all unless someone or something brings them up. but i do know that they despise me and think i'm satan.

and dreams, oh dreams...
every night my boy wishes me sweet dreams, or erotic dreams, dreams that will make me happy when i wake up, dreams that will wake me with a smile upon my face. and i want to have those dreams, and even if i fall asleep thinking good thoughts of us, here lately it never seems to carry through because the nightmare monsters are far to fierce.

but you know, i am lucky
i have a boyfriend who knows just how to soothe me when i have these dreams
he knows that when they come i turn into a little girl clutching her teddy bear as she stumbles around with sleepy eyes ... and he works them all out for me. and because of that, i am never too scared to close my eyes when i lay my head down at night.

peace kids ... i have to start the day.

2:38am

it is 2:28 in the morning
and i cannot sleep just yet

i have tried.
since 10 pm i have:

• done two loads of wash
• scrubbed and mopped the kitchen floor
• cleaned the counters and did the dishes
• scrubbed the toilest and bathroom sink
• packed up all the stuff i need to take back to work tomorrow
• cleaned the laundry room
• put things away where they needed to be
• organized my tool box

and i had a longgg conversation with my mother about wheat we can with my bitch sister. i know i'm on the right track with this

okay body is saying sleep now ...

so night, lights out

bad moon rising ... mind games and bastards

i had another nightmare last night.
i seem to be having them regularly these days.

last night i had this dream that i went away on a conference and i came back home only to find that the exhusband and somehow let himself into the house and he and his father (who despises me, by the way) had taken mud and dirt and water and soaked my pristine, freshly repaired and painted walls.

when i walked through the door and saw them i just sobbed.

there was mud on the floor a quarter inch thick where they had just let it run down the walls and pool at the baseboards and the whole room was ruined. and for the rest of my dream all i could do was weep and say "why did he do that? why would he be so mean and do that?"

and then i wake up this morning to find an email in my in box from his fathers email address, but supposedly written by him about the bills he is willing to help me pay ... the grand total he is willing to contribute to household expenses ... $35 a month.

i'm going to try to talk nicely to him today ...
if he cannot be reasoned with then on monday i will call attorney and set in motion the steps to file for divorce... as of august 13th the necessary waiting days will be over and we will see just how much the courts say he has to pay. because $35 a month is bullshit.

it's 8:49 in the morning and already i'm all in knots over his antics.

i'm not playing any games with him at this point. he can put his money where his mouth is voluntarily or i will pull it out of his tight ass the legal way. i don't care. my survival comes first now.

i'm sick and fucking tired of being miss nicey nice.
and kids, let me tell you, at this point, i really don't need or care for his bullshit. he's 54 years old and he needs to quit letting daddy call the shots. maybe he can just borrow the money he owes me for these bills from his rich daddy and we'll call it goodbye? i don't care and i won't care... but one way or another i intend to collect that motherfucking money. i have paid every bill for nearly 3 years while he's been out of work in one way or another and i've had enough... he's a grown man and it's time he learned, if you play you pay. if he could be generous enough to pay his last wife spousal support to help with a kid that wasn't even his, then by gawd he can help me pay for the bills that ARE his.

and as for the email i got from his daddy's address supposedly written by him ....
i'm not in the mood for mind games and i won't be played ...
if he wants to toy with me, he picked the wrong fucking chick to toy with.
i'm not a toy, i'm a woman and a smart, resourceful one at that.
i'm not even going to play the game, i'm going to let my lawyer play with him, afterall, that's why i pay him the big bucks.

peace kids.

and i love him

my boy did incredible things today for me and my girls.
he is my suphero...
and i love him.

bitch list 101

it's early and i am cranky ...
so here's my bitch list before i start the day ...
think of it as my purging exercise

• mother nature is a cunt and i wish menopause would kill that whore soon because i loathe and despise her.
• my sister is a bitch who refuses to listen to anyone that makes any sense
• i work for a narcissistic prick who thinks that only his time is of value, so i didn't get paid for any of my own time at work this week because he chose to spend our site money on other things
• my own procrastination has pissed me off because i'm disgusted with the amount of things i still have to do to be ready for next week
• i desperately need a little me time to get some personal things done and there isn't any in the schedule

well okay, i guess that's the end of the list because i'm out of time and i'm out of things to bitch about. i must say i feel better. maybe i'll actually make it through the day without chewing someone's head off like a praying mantis does after they mate. i can't promise anything though.

working girl blues

*bleh* as my good friend julia says.

it's 6:07 am and i have been up exactly 30 minutes and that's exactly how i feel *bleh*

this getting up early at 5:30 to report to work at 7:30 stinks.
i am soooooo not used to this.
so i've been taking my nightly meds at 8:30 so that i can try to get somewhat in the mode for sleep by a reasonable hour and still manage to get up when the alarm clock goes off without the hangover caused by the combination of a few of my meds. it seems to be working, except for this morning, because i am completely and totally exhausted. maybe it's because it's wednesday and this is the 3rd day of getting up at 5:30?

so i know people are probably reading this and thinking ... it takes you 2 hours to get ready for work???? no .. it takes me about 40 minutes and that includes showering. but it takes me a good hour to wake up enough to get into the shower. i have to have time to sit in the morning and have my coffee and just open my eyes enough to think.

and my slackerhood is coming back to bite me in the ass...
i have known all summer what the date was for me to go back to school and yet i have pushed all these phone calls and things i have to make to the very last day. and so this week i have been coming home at 3 and getting on the phone to make appts and handle things that i could have handled last week or the week before that... but i contend that there was no possible way that i could have stopped in the middle of my home improvements to take care of such mundane business. so from about 3 until 7 or 8 this place has been grand central in the evenings with phone calls and people in and out of the house doing this or that thing. suddenly everybody wants something from me and they are all things that i have to do or promised i would do at some point over the summer.

the bottom line is ... this going back to work business has left very little time in my schedule for me or those things that i enjoy.

there is hope though....
friday i get off work at 1 and on monday i'm off all day ....
work starts back up again in earnest next tuesday so i have a little long weekend reprieve which i will so desperately need to get my shit together.

well my time is up. (and by the way it's a bitter pill that my time isn't my own anymore)

onward with the day ...
peace kids