yippee fuckin yay

it's sunday already.
it's my last day of vacation ... yippee fuckin yay.

i have been scrubbing and cleaning floors and moving furniture for about 8 hours straight now. i have mopped everything with tsp, then murphy's oil soap, then applied minwax for hardwoods. they may be old floors, but they are clean.

i still have the hallway to do yet. but i can do that in the morning.
it already is morning and i have to sleep yet.

then get up early and do a million things i didn't get done today.

i still have to get myself ready for work ...
including finding the paperwork i need for this damn class.

i need a soft day today.
i need a day that goes soft and easy.
i need a day of peace

but i have to deal with the soon to be ex today
and my sister today
and the family at large today
and that's just so fucked.

why am i the solver of problems?
next time i'm born again, i'm going to be born the slacker child.

those hgtv bitches

i did not get up early with the sun because i can not move !
i am tired, more like exhausted, but i can't give up now... there's only the hallway and the tiny dining room and the floors left.

*sighhhhhhhhhhh*

one more day of hard labor.
and then i can start on the fun stuff like picking out curtains and putting things away where they belong.

oh and i have a question

how come those bitches on hgtv and all those design shows can paint those rooms and do all that work in full makeup and styled hair and never end up looking like i do at the end of the day, sweaty, dirty and flat wore out?

personally, i don't think they really do all the work. FAKERS !

peace kids !

fruition

it has been a most excellent day.
a most tiring day, a most exhausting day, but a very rewarding and fulfilling day just the same.

the living room got painted in its entirety and the "new" furniture was picked up.

i am exhausted but i am well pleased. i still have things to do in the living room, obviously. i need to do the windows and the baseboards. the floor. i need to do the decorating. i'll be doing the decorating part and the windows, baseboards, because sadly it's going to be a while before i can afford new floors. maybe i can afford to do that next spring break.

but still, i am pleased.

look, it won't be perfect and when people walk in and look down they will say "ick" compared to the rest of the house, but that's what a work in progress is like. the floors will come. i want to sing "if i had a million dollars" because that is my song right now. the baby child and i sang it as a duet most of the day because we both know we could finish this project if we had a million dollars. rome wasn't built in a day, and i will be happy with what i have because there are people who have less. i have had less. in my childhood i grew up with less many times, but i was happy.

happy is what you make it, it's what you want it to be, it's what you see.

this furniture i got is probably the age of my children combined, but it's in incredibly great shape. it's unbelievably preserved. so yeah, i know, it's not the style or the fashion. but it's what i have, and it's great.

i have this huge chair that folds out to a twin bed now and it's that gold velveteen upholstery. i call it my pimp chair. it's my "whole lotta puddin" chair.

then i have this couch with a very neutral beige and brown pattern with butterflies and flowers, kinda like you would expect your grandma's gynecologist to have in his waiting room. but i adore it because it's really long and it's going to be a great couch for taking naps on.

the most modern piece of furniture is actually a really nice wingback recliner in a nice pattern. it's mom's chair. she wanted one for her room anyway. it's the same chair she wanted, just of a different upholstery than she may have chosen.

and you know, there are always slipcovers, and a million other things i can do if i'm so inclined.

but right now i'm just happy that i can go to my freshly painted living room and sit in a chair and put my feet up and just enjoy being in my own house again, all on my own.

*yawwwwwwwn*

well again, i am rising almost as early as the sun, and all on my own without the help of an alarm clock.

it's a beautiful, crisp morning here. it is a sunny, breezy 58 degrees outside and i have my window open letting the fresh air blow inside. i love weather where you can have the windows open. it makes everything better. i love fresh air versus air conditioning, and if i could live somewhere cool enough year round to live without fake air conditioned air it would be so much the better. so i'm going to keep the windows open for as long as mom can stand without getting hot and let the cool air just blow in.

i have to make a morning trip to lowes.
the little diva goddess princesses are helping me finish the living room today, which means that they will be helping me paint. so i am going to have to go and get more roller handles and one more paint tray to eliminate the fighting that will come because i only have the one. i intend to do the cutting in and then let them roll out the walls. i'm not sure what it will come out looking like, but i did promise them that they could help and i'm not about to back out on that promise. they've been looking forward to it all week, especially the baby. she is an artiste, with the heart of an artiste and she has a vision for this wall of apricot.

so yeah, the living room.
and i am getting my "new" furniture this evening. i say "new" because it's only "new" to me. it's coming not from a store, but instead from the basement of a really good friend of mine. a single lady who is in her late 50's. she has never had kids, or pets, so i'm sure the furniture is in great shape and just not in style any longer, which is more than fine. i can slipcover it if i want to. the point is i'm not having to buy new, which i can't really afford right now anyway.

it's kind of funny, really. my life in this house seems to have come full circle. when we first moved in here, (we, being the first husband and myself), we didn't have money for brand new furniture and so we took whatever was given to us by way of family and friends. and now i am right back where i started, taking whatever is given to me by family and friends. it doesn't bother me to be starting over again, because at least whatever i do here now is mine, and mine alone. i can look at it at the end of the day and know that i did the work on it and i'm the one who put the labor into making it what it is.

just for the record, i hate painting ceilings and the tops of the walls. why, oh why, did i have to be born with the short gene in my family? i have a brother who is 6'4" and a sister who is 5'9" or so, and yet here i am 5'4" and losing valuable inches every day.

okay i've rambled enough.
i have to get the walls and ceiling in that room done.
i have to get the floors completely clean today and ready.
i have to get that room ready for furniture that's coming tonight. and finally, finally, i will be able to sit in my living room and look around and know that i have accomplished something real and lasting.

the bible is scary dude ...

my mom cracks me up sometimes.
just now she she told me "the bible scares the hell out of me, did you know what a violent book that is?"
ummm, yeah mom, i did.
it seems mom has been watching this show on cable called "mysteries of the bible" and the more she watches the more she is convinced that the bible is full of violence. today the topic is satan and hell and the concept of purgatory. so while taking a break from painting i flipped it on just in time to find out that as someone who has participated in illicit sex dante would put me in the second ring of hell. i'm so glad to know where i'm going to end up. *laughs hysterically*

purgatory didn't come around til the middle ages when the catholic church and the monarchies needed money to finance holy wars. pretty simple, eh? just buy your way in. no need to have your soul saved, just save your money and give it to the church instead.

the protestants are outraged with the concept of purgatory. of course they say all suffering for sin ended with jesus on the cross. so purgatory needn't exist at all.

and of the 6 billion people in the world, this program says 1 billion of them (mostly in china and russia) have no religious conviction whatsoever. they have no belief in the afterlife, there is no religion.

just an observation really, if you are willing to believe in heaven and hell, then you should be willing to believe in witches and ghosts and zombies, because how do you know they don't exist either? i'm just sayin...

i love my mom, i'm so glad she provided me with just the laugh i needed this afternoon.

now back to your regularly scheduled program ... or painting in my case :)

if i were a painter ...

nora jones has this song from her first album... the painter song, if you've never heard it before, it's worth a listen. that song is going through my head this morning because today is the day i begin painting in earnest.

it's actually really early here 7:38. i woke up all on my own at 6:50 and rolled out of bed ready to start this day with a goal in mind. i need to get a lot of painting done today, at least the priming so i can start with the real paint tomorrow, because tomorrow afternoon the furniture is coming.

i'm excited to be so close to finishing this project, i really, really am.

i won't by any means be 100% finished, there will still be floors to do and windows to paint, but the main thing that i wanted accomplished will be done and when it finally is i will breathe a huge sigh of relief.

at some point today i need to sit down and pay bills and attempt to call the cable company again to come and do my hook up so that i can get rid of this dsl that i hate so much. between the idiot router and the idiot dsl box i am having a hard time with staying connected lately, hopefully the cable connection and the installation of the new router will help all that.

the oldest child was upset with me last night, but i am going to let her be upset. she called close to 9 pm wanting me to bring her the cell phone charger because her cell was on half a battery and she still had calls to make. okay, she's 13, she's not making life or death phone calls here. and i was already in my pjs and i had already had a long day and so i had no qualms about telling her the answer was no. she was rather peeved and i'm sure she will attempt to punish me today with attitude out the ying. but i am prepared to deal with it. i am determined not to take the bait to argue with the child today, i have far too many things to do to fall into that trap.

it may actually rain here today ! it is in the forecast and that should really cool things down for us if it happens. i am sooooooo ready for cool weather. hell, anything that is under 90 degrees at this point would be considered a break in the heat. we've been under a heat advisory for well over a week now and it sucks. they are actually saying that the overnight low for tonight will be 59 degrees.... my heart just skipped a beat... that's actually fall weather. i would love to be able to sleep with my window open tonight and let the cool air blow in and air out the house.

well good people... i have priming and painting to get busy on, which means i have to go out and do recon and make a list of where to start and what to do next. i need to gather all the furniture together and lay my supplies out. and (this is the part that makes all my friends and the boyfriend happy) i am going to eat some breakfast! painting is hungry work so i am thinking sustenance is definitely in order.

have a great day peoples!

busy and hot monday

the time is now 10:28 and so far i have been to the store and mowed the front and back yards.
now that may not seem like a huge deal, but it's a short acre with a push mower and the current temperature outside is 88 degrees and the heat index is a muggy 92. i have sweat from every pore in my body i think.

there is nothing more uncomfortable than sweat. sweat in my eyes makes me crazy and i hate the taste of sweat and grass mixed together, but the good news is that i got it done before it hit the projected 100 degrees for today and i got it done before the rain (thank the goddess for the rain!) hits tomorrow. if i had let it go with getting that good rainfall and then waiting til it dried out then i'm sure it would have been impossible to mow without choking up the mower every 5 feet.

you know, its sometimes mind boggling for me to think of where i am now compared to where i once was. i have never been a "hands on outdoors" girl. even when i was a kid and my siblings were outside playing, i was in my room with my books and my notebooks and pens and pencils making up some make believe place where i was something more than ordinary. and because of never having an interest in learning how to make things, or do things, or learn how things work mechanically, i am now 38 and just learning. and that is okay, because i am at least willing to try to learn and not sit here and whine that i can't get things done.

it saddens me that my summer is winding down. this is the last week of my lovely vacation. and it was lovely, despite the turmoil. huge change happened, some of it good and some not so good, but all in perspective and all in good time, it has been a summer that i needed to happen. i needed these events to take place in my life so that i can achieve all that i want to with the rest of my life.

i had a plan for this morning, to wash the walls and prep them for paint and then mow the yard, but as with all best laid plans, they went awry because something from the outside world interferred. but that's okay. i have learned that if nothing else, if nothing else, i am resilient and i can adjust to change.

and i found the perfect little wallhanging to hang right by my front door... it seems to fit right now...

"so this isn't home sweet home... adjust"

i can't wait til the walls are all done to put it up!

peace kids... i have to go shower and get dirty with the walls now!

the lady calls time out

i took a rest today, from work, from overanalyzing (well, i wish that were 100% true), but from the kind of overanalyzing that makes my brain hurt. i ran around and got my errands done, i got milk in the house, finally. i got things we needed from the store. i watched the race. and my wonderful boyfriend actually called me, at my number, on my phone, which may not seem like much, but considering where we've been, it's huge.

i've been off my topaxmax for two days now. this is very bad because it is the one that prevents the rapid cycling and mood swings in my head. but, good news, i have it now and i took it tonight and i should be better tomorrow. 2 days is enough to affect me but not enough to whack it out of my bloodstream completely i don't think.

i know the lack of it, hormones and sheer exhaustion have caused a lot of grief for me the past two days. i can't communicate effectively. anything and everything i've tried to say ended out fucked up for a while it seemed. i would be up one minute and then i would be crying the next over little things that don't amount to anything at all.

it's easy to get paranoid in my situation and i feel like i'm toeing the line a bit in regard to a couple of things. the paranoia creeps in and tells me that i'm overburdening already taxed people i love with my histrionics. i need to just let shit go. but the problem is, in my brain it's nearly impossible sometimes to just let stuff go until it is resolved and tucked away. that has made me horrible company for the people i love these past few days.

you know though, no matter how wonky i get, i'm still pretty fucking amazing. 99% of the people with what i have would have been hospitalized by now if they had to deal with the stress i've had to deal with since the 6th of june. my doctor told me that. he's impressed with my strength.

tonight i couldn't help it though, i wasn't so strong. i cried on the phone when i talked to my boyfriend because i got overwhelmed when i was talking about all this work i've been doing and how fucked up the finances are based on what the soon to be ex did. sometimes i do get overwhelmed by it all. and i'm trying, i really really am trying not to lay all that on my boy and all my friends. and then i get paranoid that i'm just a whiny baby and i feel like checking out for a while until i feel like people aren't so sick of me. but that is just what the things in my head want me to do because checking out would only lead to bitter self examination and the accompanying depression ... i never intend to be in that cycle again.

so it's hard right now. it's hard to feel like everything you say or do is the wrong thing, and it's hard to feel so needy about that because i can't rely on anyone to fill that need but me. so this week it's going to be all about feeling that need, and i can promise you that next sunday night when i'm getting ready to go back to work after this momentous break, i will be doing so from my newly renovated living room. and no, it won't be perfect, but it will be what i want and what i need and i'll be happy with that. because after all, i'm not aiming for perfection for anybody else, i only have myself to please and from where i've been to where i will be, i will be mighty pleased if i get there.

and as for getting so far inside my head that i can't crawl out... i'm going to be way to busy for that this week. so i'm banishing all those stupid demons for a little while, just until i can feel strong enough to say, i did it and i can beat you... bring a lunch and stay all day.

peace kids... i'm crashed.

too early, too late

i posted yesterday, but fuckwit blogger ate my entry. so no dice on what i posted kids, and i can't repeat myself, because i probably don't remember what i was on about anyway other than trying to get the house done.

the house... 70% of the carpet is ripped up and the rest will get done today, then the floors will be cleaned and i can start prepping the walls, the home project is going well. i took my handy dandy list to sears and the man in the paint department helped me out.

it's early here, 7:40, i woke up at 6:51.
i'm so sore and stiff i can hardly move, and the only evidence i have that i slept last night is a handful of weird dreams that i'd just as soon forget.

you know the best thing about me?
right now i'd say it's that i have a short shelf life...
and i can't be taken in large doses.

too bad i don't come with a warning label on my forehead, i probably could have saved a bunch of people a bunch of time along the way of my life.

10 minutes to tell it ...

i am up ! and awake !

and i have given myself 10 minutes to write unhindered and unencumbered by anything other than words... so here goes...

friends don't let friends make stupid mistakes, and yet they do anyway...so does this mean our friends just don't listen to us? yes, of course it does. men especially do not listen! look, if i come right out and tell you that the girl you want to hook up with is a whore that doesn't make me a jealous bitch, it just means that i care enough about you that i don't want you to be hurt later. for god's sake, don't take it as an overture to get in your pants... think with the big head god gave you for once already.

and women, my god, women, women, do not wear blinders all the damn time. if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and shits a mess like a duck, it's probably a lame fucking duck in a man suit. get over it already!

and one more thing about women right now since i'm on the subject, listen up, you do not need a man to do things in this world! yes, i love my boyfriend, i adore him, and yes, many, many, many things i feel that i could not do without him, but, they are because of the moral and emotional support he lends me. he isn't the one here moving boxes or packing up the house... i am doing that all on my own. and i will be the one ripping up carpet on my own. so while i need him emotionally and spiritually, i still know that if push came to shove, i can do it by myself. and the bottom line is ... a woman has to know that she can.

i don't think the boy would mind me writing that a woman has to know that she can stand alone... he wants me to be able to stand alone. and you know what? it might be a good thing that i am standing alone right now, because as much as he wants to come in and do things for me, and as much as i want him to sometimes, i need this time to say "look what i did all by myself" i need that feeling of self assurance, of independence, of knowing that i'm strong and independent. strong, independent women do better in relationships than women who can't think for themselves, because i think eventually men get tired of doing all the thinking for both people, unless they are the type who like to boss people around and be in control constantly. and strong, independent women usually raise strong, independent children, which this world needs more of, in my humble opinion.

my mom was strong and independent, but it was fucked up because our lives were always being dictated by my dad's dependency issues and bipolar issues. but still, if my mom hadn't been strong enough to hang with all that and deal, and show us the right way, who the fuck knows what we might have become? and yes, she could have left my dad, and she did many, many times, but things were different back then and the situation was fubar. so look forward, and not back.

i have to thank my mom for that anyway, because she stuck it out, i became a survivor. i could go the other way and piss and moan and say what a rotten childhood i had, but you know, that's all noise too. there were awfully good times, and there were awfully bad times, and you choose what you want to remember and take with you. you can be a victim, or you can be a survivor. and i choose the latter. i always say if i survived my childhood, i can survive any little shit that comes my way. my sister doesn't think of it that way... she doesn't think of her childhood at all, and never learned a lesson from it. and really, that's just sad. because there were several lessons to be learned... like ...

if money is all you have to worry about, you don't have a damn thing to worry about

even if you only have one friend, make it a good one and cherish them

fuck 'em if they can't take a joke

no matter how fucked up things are at home, don't drag your problems into work

always give to people who have less than you, even if you think nobody could possibly have less than you

be thankful for what you do have because it could all be gone tomorrow

i learned all that from my parents. i learned all that from my dad really. from watching him live. i'm all into this shit now and it's my blog anyway, so fuck it. another 12 minutes isn't going to kill me...

five years ago or so when i was on the first year of this new career i had the occasion to meet someone that my brother used to know as a kid. it's funny, even though my brother and i were only 2 years apart, none of our friends were the same, so all his friends know me as "s. sister" at any rate... this guy, now grown, began to tell me how my mom and dad saved him from the streets when he was 13 and 14 because they would let him come into their bakery during the midnight hours and hang out and even teach him how to do things, which kept him from running with older boys who were into drugs. this kid came from a huge family and his home life wasn't all that great and my parents bakery at night became his home away from home, and because of them, he never went to juvy like so many other kids did that he ran with.

you know, that was my dad. he was always so concerned he wasn't a good father to his own kids because of all the drinking and bipolar shit, and yet he did good stuff for anybody he came in contact with that needed a hand.

now, at this point in my life, i realize that my dad banked his whole life on karma. he did good things for other people with no payback in mind and went on his merry way and eventually, through fate's window, karma would bring good things back to us. that's the way it worked. there was no real plan involved with my parents. there was never a scheme. it was just based on karma and fate. i think my dad had a pretty good philosophy for someone that grew up in a shitty orphanage and had a bitch mother who committed suicide and made sure he knew it was his fault. he never let that keep him from helping other people and he never asked for anything back, it was all just good will.

so dad, whereever you are today in this house of mine (and i know you are here), i want you to know that you did a good job with me. i am strong, i am independent and all that shit we went through was no accident, it was all fate and karma. and i'm coated in good karma these days, because i'm living those lessons. my bank account sucks, but i don't care. i have good friends and i'm laughing. i am still giving, because i know that there are people who don't have it half as good as me.

now i'm off ... it's 43 minutes past where i started from, but i feel good and ready to go...

peace people, be well :)

wind me down

just a note to my boy before he goes to sleep ..."come on baby, let's get out of this town...i got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down, there's a chill in my bones, i don't wanna be left alone... so baby, you can sleep while i drive ... "
and that's a melissa etheridge tune in case you weren't aware...
but it's just right for us tonight because i'd love for him to sleep while i drove us away to a place just our own. we need to be together in a serious way, i just need to lay my head down next to his for a while, okay?

i got a lot done today.
i have some things i need to figure out how to do in a big hurry...
how do i move a phone line? because i'm going to.
my dumbass brother tried to tell me tonight that i could not possibly lay a floor by myself... fuck him, really, fuck him. i can do this, and i will do it well. i don't need negative vibes around me.

i just went in and surveyed the land, so to speak, and i'm pleased.
i need to clear the surfaces and put shit away, the stuff i use daily, and then i can start in one corner with tearing up the carpet. i'm not an idiot, i know it's not going to be easy, but still, i also know it won't be impossible, and even if i divide the whole room into quarters, i can still have it done in 4 days. fri, sat, sun, mon. and that's with tearing up and cleaning the floors thoroughly. though i have a feeling that once i get started it's not going to take me nearly that long. then i'm looking at painting ... and i have thru the next sunday for that. then i get the furniture moved in and start putting things back together. that i can handle doing slowly. see. i can do it.
fuck that noise as g. says.

stupid bipolar brother.
he's just like my father was. it depends on which day you catch him on the mood you will get. if you will get good, happy go lucky guy or if you get the whole world is shit guy. i guess it was my day to get the whole world is shit guy. and i say he is a stupid bipolar brother because he's off his fucking meds. that's what makes him stupid. again, just like my father. he's a very lucky man that he has a good wife who helps him navigate through his universe.

we all need someone to help us through our universe.

"this city is no place to hide in, everybody knows your number... and you know that you could never be alone... if you tried..." prisoner in disguise

nobody knows those lyrics anymore. i think it's a testament to how old or how weird i am. i doubt if anybody who even reads this blog knows who jd souther is, save one person. i know two other people who know what a great songwriter he is, one is my aunt, and the other is someone i'll never speak to again in this life. it's just music from another time and another place, actually i was only 8 years old when all this great music came out, but thanks to my groovy aunt i learned who linda rondstadt, bob seger, santana, jethro tull and james taylor were. it was so much better than the crap bay city rollers that my friends were listening to anyway.

my god... today i actually found a duran duran rio cassette.

happy dreamin people, and happy spoonin if you are lucky enough to spoon

the year of the goat ...

well, i am taking a break, having a smoke and some cranberry...
and i got curious

Luck will smile upon the charming Goat. They will prosper in many sectors of activity. And as far as amorous conquests are concerned, they will be among the luckiest ones of the zodiac. Will all that make them happy? On one level, yes, but they will still have questions that need large answers. This year, they must look to their interior life for solutions. Their happiness will depend on them and them alone. In order to be happy, they must, right now, begin to learn wisdom. 'When one is young, one must apply oneself to philosophizing; and when one is old, one should not get tired of philosophizing. For it's never too early or too late to work for the health of the soul,' as Epicurus said.

that's my general overview for the year for Chinese astrology... it amazes me every time how accurate this stuff is.

look inside yourself grasshoppah :)

groovin kimberry pie

just a quick note to say...........

my favorite song today ...

"best of you" by the foo fighters.. you can check out the lyrics and more here i think

http://www.foofighters.com/bw/songlist.php

that song has more than several meanings... i'm kinda diggin it today :)

oh and ... laffin my head off here

it's followed by kung fu fighting on my boys playlist ... how cool is that ?
peace :)

oh and ... two more things

i forgot two more things...

1. mom wants me to email the white hizzie and tell gw that the next time he decides to do a press conference will he please not fucking pre empt "big brother" because that shit really pisses her off and what he has to say really isn't that important.

and...

2. i had a dream last night that somebody i used to know was a serial killer, but he gave me a soggy 10 dollar bill because i was the girl that got away that he didn't get to kill. it was kinda like winning the "serial killer sweepstakes" heh .. go me.

have a happy day :)

humpday lists and dr suess

i will not ever leave this house
i will work silently like a mouse
i will work like a possessed man
dumping stuff in the trash can!

well if you read it like you are reading "green eggs and ham" it sounds kinda dr seuss.

"i do not like them sam i am, i do not like green eggs and ham!"

i love that story, that one and "fox in socks"... i know, i'm 5, but it's okay, i'm allowed to be !!!!

so i've decided today to make a deadly strike on the living room and dining room, no piece of anything will be left standing. i do not intend to leave one thing unpacked or untouched, save a piece of paper and pen for writing down phone messages, which i know the 13 year old will not use! but i will leave it on the desk for her anyway. the plan is that if i work like a demon today and get it all finished and the bad people come and get all their SHIT, that's right i said SHIT...
then i can start ripping up the carpet... even if i have to move all their SHIT to one side of the room while i do it. you see i can not and will not wait on these unproductive people any longer, they are cramping my style and making me crazy, and really, i can't let them stand in the way of progress.

i'm hoping if i can at least get the floors done by the end of the weekend that i can start painting early next week and then get the furniture moved in by the end of the week and then....

*VOILA* ... i'm done enough to feel better about things and i won't have a complete meltdown before i have to go back to work.

the boyfriend and i are going to switch out the router, i have to have all the cables unplugged to move the computer anyway... because i have to get the carpet under the desk there, so we might as well do it all at one time anyway. it simply makes sense to me.

so i can't sit here long this morning, one more cup of java and then i have to start moving my ample ass and get busy.

i have such a good attitude about today :)

it's going to be a great day... i can feel it, it really really is !

free thinking tueday

well ... i didn't get as much done today as i would have liked, but ya know... what the hell...
i mean really, what is going to happen? nothing, except i will have to work harder tomorrow. it's no big thing, some things didn't come thru for me where i had to depend on other people, so tomorrow i'll adapt and change and get some prep things done that need to be done.

i did do some good things today though :)
i helped my boy with a project and that made me feel really good !
he does so much for me, more than i could ever put into words for anyone to understand. we all need our cheerleaders, we all need that someone to believe in us without fail, and to love us without finding fault and he is the best at that. i mailed him a little present today. so yeah, i did do some good things today.

i took mom out, that was good.
i won two movie tickets and i'm going to give them to the soon to be ex to take the child to the movies for her birthday. this is a karma thing, he can't afford anything so this is something he can have to take her to. it's all good.
i laughed today and remained calm in the face of aggravation.
nothing was a big deal.

and i realized something.
when my brain is not focused on trying to solve a million little crises i can think about other things. random thoughts are allowed to process and i can just relax and free think just a little...

so random thoughts for the day. dave navarro looks like the devil. boys who have that yummy devil look are so so sexy. my boy has that yummy devil look.

and my rant...

i'm sick of hearing this crap that once somebody cheats on their spouse they will always cheat... the circumstances of adultery are not absolute, they are situational. we are programmed to fulfill certain needs in our lives and if we can't fulfill those basic needs we will find ways to have them filled. that's why people cheat. i suppose there are "serial" cheaters. i mean, i know there are. i think there are two kinds of people who cheat, those who are prepared to leave their spouses and start a better life, the ones who are really done, and then the other ones, the ones who just cheat on their spouses for sex or thrills.

i don't want to hear anymore about "cheating". cheating means there has to be something there to begin with. you can't cheat on what you don't have. and if you are abandoned, then really, what is there to cheating? that's just on my mind lately from somewhere, some random thing made me think of it.

i want money to go to my favorite mexican restaurant... i have the sudden urge for monterrey cheese dip and hot fresh fried chips. i think i could eat mexican food everyday and be happy.

i need a monday and tuesday vacation at my the boys house so i can read my harry potter book. it wouldn't work on a weekend because he would be home and not working, and i think i'd take the hot monkey love and hanging out time over harry potter.

do you realize if i get 2 bux for every video tape i have at the garage sale i'll make about $320 bux from that alone? that's huge and scary at the same time.

i'm looking to clean up from this sale in more ways than one, i'm getting rid of all this stuff i don't need, i'm getting rid of a lot of baggage and i'm gaining a lot of space and a lot of cash at the same time. this is a very good trade. i'm trying to think ahead here... of the big picture, of the big move...

but right now my head is getting fuzzy and i'm getting sleepy in that good way

enjoy that big, shiny moon outside.

so it's raining ... so what :)

it's raining here again today. which is highly odd since i don't think the forecast called for rain, but then again, i wouldn't know because i don't really watch the news.

i am a total anti-news person.
no, i don't prefer to live in a hole underneath the ground, but really, sometimes i just can't handle the stupidity and tragedy that makes up my local news. so unless i'm going to make the news or someone i know is going to be part of the newscast, i don't tune in. does that make me a bad citizen? i don't think so. i will often read the news on the internet and then decide what is newsworthy for myself, i don't like the bobble heads they have reporting it on tv.

so yeah, rain.
i actually love rainy days, especially if i don't have to go anywhere and do anything. but today i have to go out and take mom out for a little while. she has a list of things she needs and wants to do. here's a little bit of information for you, when your parents become dependent on you to get around you very quickly find out what it was like for them when you were a kid and needed to be carted around all the time. and there really is no way of saying "no". yes it can be put off for a day or maybe two, but there is no way of saying "no". and really, i don't want to say no. i owe my mom a lot and i'm glad she's here. so instead of pissing and moaning about going out and running errands that i really don't have time for because i need to be working on the house instead, i'm thankfully going to do what she asks me to do because i'm grateful she's here as it wasn't too awfully long ago it might not have turned out that way.

so big deal.
i may not get as much done on the house as i would like today.
but you know ... i'm feeling strong enough that i can cut myself a little slack and not beat myself up because i can't stick to this schedule minute by minute. and damn, that is a very, very good thing.

last night before bed i had two specific tasks that i meant to get done, actually the boy kind of told me to get them done (he would make such a cute dom if that's the relationship we were going for, because he's so fucking hot when he gets bossy) anyway, i got one of the tasks done, which was to write a story about all those little naughty things that i was craving so very badly yesterday. the other task was to get myself off after i got myself all worked up... well no such luck (laughs hysterically) i got myself all worked up and then promptly fell asleep the minute my head hit the pillow. that's the third night in a row i've gotten all worked up before bed and fell asleep before i could achieve pronounced sexual bliss. perhaps i need to work on these things in the morning? the only problem with that is i like to get my groove on when i'm fully awake and can enjoy it. now wouldn't that be great? if the only problem in my life were when i was going to get off?

i think that's great :)
i think that may be a goal to work towards someday... where the only question on my mind is when is the best time of day to get my groove on.

but right now i've got a good solid 2 hour block of time to get some more packing and cleaning done before i take mom out and i'm feeling pretty good about what i can get done in that time!

peace everybody ...
and remember just because it's raining, doesn't mean it has to be a sad day :)

it's a brand new day...

it's a brand new day ... and so starts my week as a "babysitter" to the children i have raised all these years. it's laughable at best, but i'm playing along. maybe i'll win some fabulous prize like on the price is right. maybe it will all just shake out on it's own, which i know it probably will. so i'm not going to put a great deal of mental energy into this right now, at this moment.

i'm sitting here in a towel, with my hair wrapped up in the post wash turban, trying to make plans for the day. i know if i step outside this house before 1 pm then all is lost as far as getting anything seriously done and accomplished. the temptation to just leave and not come back to face the music of packing and finishing the mess is just too great. its like i want to leave and hope some little group of fairies is going to come in and finish it all for me... but in my grown up mind i know that's not going to happen.

so i'm trying to get all hyped up with reminding myself that there are still 13 days left in my birthmonth, and still 13 days to get tons of things done. and i'm sooooooooooo close, so so so close to being able to get to the thing i want done the most, the floor. so i'm not going to worry or stress about it, instead, i'm going to just make a list and do it.

my friend julia, http://fuctincalifornia.blogspot.com/ (that's her fab blog if you wanna check it out) is so right when she says that i use this blog to kinda clear my mind. and today i'm kind of using it as a place to figure out my to do list. which works for me because if i actually write stuff down somewhere it's actually makes me more accountable for getting them done.

so i'm thinking that i have 3 main goals today..

i need to go thru all of our hundreds of vhs tapes and make sure that the movie matches the box and get them boxed up for the huge garage sale. i just can't see any point in having them around. they are going to be a pain in the ass to try to move when i move and i don't want to have to move them if i'm never going to watch them. so they will all be sold.

then i have one more filing cabinet to go through and get to the curb.

and finally i need to remove all the existing leftover nonsense and clutter from the living room and dining room because starting wednesday.....

YES WEDNESDAY !!!!!!!!!!

i'm planning to rip up the carpet and get started on my floors!

not such a big deal to you dear reader, i'm sure, but to me it's huge.
huge i say !
the only fly in the ointment is getting the soon to be ex to come get his 20 boxes of books out of my living room.

so yeah, that's the plan.

i have to say though, i'm feeling pretty darn good about it all.
i feel strong and i feel healthy, and that mean girl is nowhere within earshot so i think i've managed to banish her for a bit (which is damn good).

i have to say one thing though before i leave this space and start working... and it's totally off topic of the list of to do...

i only left the boy a week ago today ... so how can it seem so long ago that he kissed me?
how can it seem so long ago that he held me in his arms? how can it seem so long ago that we made love? it's the events of this past week that make it seem like so long ago... all that tranquility shattered when i got home and found the shitstorm that was going on ...

but ya know... i can hang on and hold out
when i start to get mopy and sad about it or feel like he's far away or feel sorry for myself, i stop to think about all those women with husbands overseas in iraq, serving in a place where they never know if their boy is okay or not. and it makes me grateful that at least i know my boy is okay and i know just where he is. and it also makes me realize how much sacrifice goes into war, not just on the front, but here at home too.

i'm getting off topic now, so i better go get busy or i'll sit here and ramble all morning long...

have a great day ... i know i'm gonna try :)

mean girl

i don't know how to explain this weekend to anyone who didn't live it. i could tell you the events that happened, and i have told people the events that happened, but i couldn't tell you about what was happening behind my eyes if you didn't live it... inside my head.

it was bad inside my head this weekend.
and i'll put aside all that happened with my sister and the kids and the ex and all of that for a while and talk about the real bad inside my head this weekend.

you know i hate that little bitch that lives inside my fucking head.
you know her. she's about 13. she's the snottiest little girl you ever knew in the whole world. she's the spoiled brat you knew in school that everybody hated, but everybody was so afraid of her that she was the most popular girl in school. she was the queen of the mean girls.
she is the mean girl inside my head.

man, i hate her.
and i don't know how to turn her off.
see, she's the girl who makes me question everything because of the things she says.
something simple, so mundane, i buy a dress, i go and get this dress, i think i look great in this dress and i hear this little snotty voice tell me something bad.
she's the little snotty girl who says how can he love a girl like you when there are so many other girls in the world who are so much better?
she's the mean girl who says things like you really need to stop telling people how you feel, as if anyone cares what girls like you think.
she's the bitch who says i can't believe you actually think you look good when i look in the mirror.

she's the girl who reminds me of my failures, as if i could forget them myself. and when i'm sad and feeling blue, she's the girl who makes sure i stay there because she dredges up every sad mistake i've every made, everything i'd rather forget. either that or she takes the single thing that's made me sad and makes it a million times worse than it is well that was a good idea she will say, or, oh you are a rocket scientist , you're a real piece of work. and then come the all time killers, why do you try, you aren't worth anything, i don't know why you're here, just give up already.

she's just mean this girl.

i wish she'd fucking move already.

and it's not like i haven't tried to make her move.
i've gone to therapy to try to evict her.
my therapist told the mean girl to quit beating up on his patient. but of course, she doesn't really listen to anyone.

i guess i'm kinda lucky. she doesn't stay around for long when she comes out. like this time she only stayed around a few days. i don't know if she's just in my head or what. but i know she exists for a whole lot of other people who are bipolar. most of them have that mean voice in their heads too. i think a lot of people do.

maybe everybody does and they just don't admit it because they don't want people to think they are nuts.

but i'm going to tell you one thing for sure...
if i ever get ahold of that mean girl, her ass is mine.

a tower of candy and yardwork deja vu ...

i had a wonderful birthday, albeit a little strange.

so i mowed the front yard, and trimmed the deadly hedge. it is named the deadly hedge because it has a growth of poison ivy and oak and a multitude of wasps and other stinging things that live in there, and also because today i shorted out a power cord when i cut thru it with the trimmers. no big deal, i have about 8 of those dumb cords anyway.

so i felt very accomplished. my yard is so beautiful, all fresh and green and lovely.
i started reading my old journals to get a read on what i've done on my past birthdays, and i found that in 2001 on my birthday i was mowing grass and trimming hedges, just like today. in 2003 i did it on july 12th. there must be something empowering about yardwork that makes me feel like i need to do it on my birthday or during my birthweek.

my sweet boyfriend sent me another present today ! a whole tower of candy !!!!!
there are few things in the world that i love as much as candy. and he knows this. the candy package came with 3 separate boxes. one filled with miniature chocolate bars. a tin with a solid one pound chocolate shaped like a little birthday cake. the third box filled with laffy taffy, sweettarts, and runts. he knows me so well. and what is doubly sweet is that he got me this present knowing i would share it with the ladies of the house. he's going to win the girls over big time if he feeds their sweet tooth the way he feeds mine.

and i have the best friends. i got the cards with well wishes for my birthday and lots of birthday cheer. i am most thankful with every passing day for my friends.

and then there was another card in my mailbox when i got home tonight, a card from the soon to be ex. a second card. the first one came late last night before i went to bed and it made me cry, it was mushy and had a poem, and it was another admission that he had failed me and the poem was one that wished me all the best in my future life. i don't know if it was mean to be a guilt trip, or if it was meant to play on my sympathy, or if it was meant for me to call him and tell him "no it wasn't all your fault".... i just let it go and didn't respond at all. sooooo, the second card was him telling me that he had given me exactly what i had asked for as a birthday gift, because i had asked him yesterday to get the job he had an interview for today for my birthday. the second card said that he had an interview next week to discuss salary and benefits as a formality but he was sure he was hired and he would call me next week to discuss money with me and how to help me pay bills.......... if it happens... that would be a great birthday gift and a huge load off my mind.

we will see though... he has been in this position before where he thought he had a job and it fell through.... i'm hoping it works out for him. i really do.

then the last thing of my day...

around 11:00 the thirteen year old who is technically living with her *mother* but is living here part time still (okay, we all know what this really means), anyway, at 11:00 she goes into full panic mode about not having anything to wear to her camp banquet tomorrow. she just didn't think about it before 11 at night. and to be honest, she really doesn't have anything to wear. i mean this kid went from being a kid to being nearly a full grown woman in one school year. so off to the 24 hour walmart we went. and being a teenager she found something to suit her and all was good. but the freaky thing was this... we walk in and there are allllllllll these people in this rural walmart supercenter... like the day after thanksgiving crowd. at midnight ??? and then i remembered... the harry potter book. and sure enough, that's what they were all there for, to get the newest harry potter book. so i went ahead and got my copy, just like i said i would on my birthday, even if it did come about by accident.

so there you have it...

yard work deja vu
a tower of candy
groovy birthday cards
late night walmart shopping
and the new harry potter book

and maybe, just maybe, ms karma is going to come through and help me get an ex husband a job so he can start paying some bills. i think we all can use a little good birthday karma :)

happy bastille day ... again

happy bastille day and happy birthday eve kids!

in a little while it will be my birthday.
i'm fully medicated and i am waiting for a child to fall asleep (she thinks if she doesn't sleep the root canal scheduled for tomorrow won't happen)

and i'm sitting here quietly with her...
thinking about bastille day and what it means to me

it's french independence day
but it's my independence day as well.

12 years ago today i filed for divorce from my first husband.
i sat in my attorney's office bleary eyed and hungover... i had my sunglasses on and i just remember the coffee cup not wanting to be still in my hand.
i remember my mother driving me because the appointment was at the ungodly hour of 8am.
and then i remember going home and having to clean margaritas and nachos off the bathroom tile.
but god i was free. and i was so thankful. probably as thankful as the french on bastille day.

and now here we are full circle again, it is bastille day and i'm on the eve of filing for divorce again.

my goddess powers are at their highest right now, but it's a secret.
it's my birthmonth and so i have the ability to shed myself of husbands and entanglements and those intending to harm me. i have reviewed all of the case files in detail this evening. and it is so. first the marriages to end in july .. and then all those other entanglements. joe, and that fellow from they burn women like me at the stake... heh.. all the way back to johnny ...

my god.. nearly every man whose ever bent me or bruised only to be cut off in july had a name that began with a j. more coincidence of the universe. if you believe in coincidence.

personally i believe in fate.
i was meant to meet these men. in one way or another through all the bullshit they put me through i am all the stronger for it. i didn't come out more jaded, or untrusting. i didn't come out questioning true love or the existance of love. i came out of all that shit, all those lies, all that crap stronger. i trust, i love. and everytime i lost, i gained. and this time when i lost, i gained more than i ever thought i could. i'm so damn lucky sometimes. for all the fucked up shit that's gone down ... there's some good karma out there with my name on it that's here to stay.

and about these goddess powers.
it's my birth month.
and my birth week,
and now, my birthday.
and i can have anything i want if i just want it enough. that's the way it is when my powers are this high. i can believe it and it will happen, oh it will happen. and i'm not stupid, i'm not talking about spending powers on wishing the boy would show up in 6 hours on my doorstep. that's not going to happen. i'm just saying that there are certain things that i can make possible right now if i act upon them when i am at my peak of feeling like this.

and what does this feel like ?
this feels like 38.
38 is comfy.
38 is having short hair and being confident that i'm a cute redhead with a pixie cut.
38 is wearing his tshirt and boxers and not really giving a shit if i have a bra on because i'm a real woman and guess what? real woman don't have tits that stand off their chests like cones. if you can pass the pencil test at 38 ... goody for you, but i don't have to worry about your standards because i'm comfortable in my own skin thank you.
38 is being comfortable with laugh lines and little wrinkles that occur because i laugh and frown and occasionally wrinkle my brow.
38 feels like being able to be me ...
38 feels a whole lot like freedom.

oh and just in case i could get anything i wanted.. it would be the boy and after a good bit of "i love you" and mush mush... i'd like to try to flip the recliner again.

late night thoughts

i hate that it's this time.
i hate it, i hate it, i hate it.

i know it's just time.
he says ... we will both be busy, it will go fast baby, you know it will be fine.
he's right, i know he's right.

but damn
right now can't i be 5?

because at 5 you can cry when life is unfair, and you can throw a fit and it's okay because you are 5. sure, at some point people will get onto you and tell you to stop, but it's a whole lot more acceptable at than it is at 37 and 51 weeks.

i want to cry right now and kick and scream and throw stuff.

but i'm not. i'm sitting quietly, having a smoke, thinking about my nervous stomach and why it's doing flip flops. the boy is sleeping quietly, i just tucked him in. i'm going to crawl in with him in a minute and get my cuddle on. the last one for 8 weeks.

i am going to hate leaving here. this little paradise with him.

thoughts of all that are waiting for me back there have starting to list themselves out in my head again ... get drivers license renewed, keep working on house, sort papers, get stuff ready for yard sale, rip up carpeting ... blah blah blah blah blah ...

it goes on and on all these things

here's this thing that just hit me ...

you know when you are in love and there is a kiss or a moment or something happens where you feel like "the whole world stops and it's just the two of us" ?

well, as i sit here and think on it, those moments are great and they are sustaining, but it's all the other moments in between, the moments of hard work and sacrifice and day to day struggle that are going to be the moments that are going to get us together forever.

so i think something is trying to tell me ... look, you've had your moments, now you have to go back to reality and do the really hard work for just a little while longer until you can have that time together, that end result you are both working so hard for.

is it that?

and i don't even care right now if he transfers there, or i move here.
i can't even think there.
i have to think one step at a time.
get the divorce. get the house fixed up. sell the house. finish up my contract.
and in between all that reality, have these moments with this boy i love so much.
every thing has it's own time. i need to learn that really.

i need more time with this boy.
i need more time to convince him that he can't live without me.
i need more time to make him see that i'm essential to his happiness.

i need to be 35 turning 36
not 37 turning 38.

i don't want to be 38.

there is something fundamentally wrong and flawed with that number.

and just for the record, i refuse to worry about what people say when they think i can't hear...
"38 years old and two failed marriages, poor girl"

i may have two failed marriages, this is true.
but i'm hardly in the "poor girl" category.
there is a fine specimen of a man in the bedroom right now that i'm going to go snuggle up next to and i doubt seriously that he would agree with anyone who called me a "poor girl"

i've rambled enough about nonsense and what's cluttering my head.
i may be able to sleep now. i may not.
i have to fly tomorrow and i'm not looking forward to it... i'm sure it will be fine though.

goodnight :)

mother nature blues

can i just say how much i hate mother nature?
yes i can. i can, and i will, because right now, i do.

i guess life is full of firsts. and this life with the boy is going to be full of firsts. this is what he told me in that soothing voice as i stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes and crying softly because mother nature just couldn't wait one more damn day to come. and he's right, life is full of firsts. i suppose we have to have this eventually. if we are going to be married someday and occupy the same house for the rest of our lives then this is going to have to be something that we deal with. i guess it's true, but it just doesn't seem fair right now, today, right at this moment.

perhaps it's the abundance of proper, good fucking that has brought mother nature a day early. it's entirely possible. my body isn't used to such a thing. it hasn't been used to such a thing in a very long time, but i'm thinking i could get used to it real quick.

this time here is nearly over.
and i don't know as of right now when i'll be back this way again. i know in my head what i'm hoping for but it seems so far away, so long away and when i think about it i want to cry. but it's the only way for now. work is going to start soon, the kids will go back to school, the world will start to turn again. the soonest i can see clear sky is 8 weeks ... and that's such a very long time to be without him. but it can't be helped. there is only one other option *sigh* and looking at the calendar it's not very promising because it looks like mother nature is just bound and determined to ruin my fucking life one way or another. *frowns, cries, throws a fit, stomps, kicks rocks*

that sounds really shallow. it makes it sound like it's all fantastic sex. and that couldn't be farther from the truth. so let mother nature come, i don't care. i'm content if i can be in the same room with him, just to smell him, and see him, and hold his hand, and feel the softness of his beard on the back of my shoulder...

i have 24 more hours left of that....
of feeling the soft of his beard on my shoulder
of feeling his hand on the small of my back making small circles
of feeling his rough fingers in the palm of my hand when we sit on the couch and watch tv

i have 24 more hours
and i'm getting all weepy
so it's time for me to stop now and go do something fun with my boy

peace

time wise

a week comes and goes and time means nothing to anyone but me.
it's alright i guess, who else should my time make a difference to? but i am feeling like there is a big clock ticking right now out in the universe and it's sole purpose it to count down the minutes of my life. maybe there is one with just my name on it.

time goes on i guess.
wise men don't try to control time, maybe that's what makes them wise.
wise men don't try to control anything, maybe that's what makes them wise.

i can't control anything. i'm going to quit trying, maybe then i'll be wiser.

right now i'd settle for being wiser, i'd settle for being a lot of things.

vacation friday already ...

It’s Friday already…

I still don’t understand how time goes so fast when I don’t want it to. I don’t understand how time can creep by so slowly and then when I’m here with him it can just fly by, 24 hours seems like 10, and before I know it a week has come and gone. I’m so thankful we still have our weekend left together. It’s our favorite time together. We will have raceday together and shoot darts and just chill out and relax and spend all that quality time loving each other.

Last night we had breakfast for dinner. I get in moods where I love breakfast for dinner, something about having bacon and eggs at dinnertime just seems so good. Originally I was going to let him cook it for me because I was afraid I would overcook his bacon or mess up his eggs, but he came home from work and he had worked so hard and he had an aggravating day. So I put away my silly worries about not being able to cook something simple like bacon and eggs and just cooked it. it was kind of cute and funny at the same time, I was cooking up the bacon and he made a comment about bringing home the bacon and me cooking it up nearly barefoot (because I had my flip flops on) and we both laughed and then he smirked and said “and you’ve had enough stuff this week you should be pregnant”. It was funny and we both laughed at the thought of me being nearly barefoot and ripe and cooking up bacon. It’s those funny little moments that make me love him like I do. He could have just went on in the living room and vegged out in front of the tv while I cooked dinner, instead he stayed in the kitchen and talked to me while I cooked and helped me get the eggs ready. It’s just an easy kind of love we have going on.

And I think of what my friend Mike said ‘it’s just 6 little vacations you’ve had, you need to be sure, you need to be really sure’. I gave up on explaining anything to Mike. Sometimes you can’t explain anything to Mike, he simply can’t be told. Once he thinks he knows it all about a subject, then he becomes an expert in his own mind and he will not relinquish or give an inch. So I could marry the sweet boy and we could be married 50 happy years and still Mike would carry on and say ‘it’s just 50 little years, you need to be sure, you need to be really sure.’

It’s really inconsequential, what Mike says, or what anyone says for that matter. People will always have something to say when they see two happy people. When we finally come out of the closet with this relationship to my family and friends back home I expect there to be a bit of backlash from some of my friends and family with comments like “you don’t need a man to make you happy, when will you realize that” or “you just got out of one marriage, why would you want to do that again”. Or there will be those who will think it but will not say it. It won’t do a bit of again to argue to these people, to try to prove my point, to try to show them how wrong they are. None of that will possibly work. The only thing that is going to prove to them how wrong they are is to live my life, call my shots, marry this man I love, and live my life in my version of happily ever after.

So I’m on this wonderful, relaxing vacation. All stress and worry are supposed to be seeping from my veins and bones, and yet I’m still being called from way back home. My mother called me yesterday because the future ex wanted his birth certificate and he had given it to me to file away. Well, now apparently, while I’m 1200 miles away (and he knows this by the way) he has decided that he desperately needs it. So mom called me because he was ready to sit and dig into all of my newly separated files. I was glad that she called because it wasn’t even in the file cabinet that he wanted to go through. I told her exactly where it was and she gave it to him so he could go and be on his merry fucking way.

Then mom gave me more good news, my unstable sister (gotta love her because she is the only sister I have) is moving out of her boyfriend’s place and getting her own place. This is good news; this is great news, because he has the capacity to be an abusive jerk. The bad news in this, the stressful news, the news that made me sick to my stomach, is that she is incapable of living alone and in her need to not live alone she made a statement that she wanted the girls to live with her again. Now, the girls are my children and have been since they were 2 and 4 years old when she abandoned them at my house. I have raised them ever since. Suddenly, now that she may be living alone, she is making noises about possibly wanting them back (which she has done before). I don’t see this as something that will come to pass. I was quite upset about it yesterday when I got off the phone with mom, but I realized as I sat here that this is not something that is going to come to pass. My sister has never raised her own children and now that one is a teenager and one is a pre-teen, she has no idea what is really involved in taking care of them. I think she believes that the hard part is over and that they are self sufficient… she has no idea how far from the truth that is. Now is the time for vigilance. There is nothing scarier than a computer savvy 13 year old that looks and acts like she is 16 or older. Being vigilant and knowing where she is and what she is doing at all times is the only way to keep her from doing something potentially stupid. My sister is too self absorbed to be concerned with worrying about a 13 year old. So really, I’m not too awfully concerned that this will happen, and if it does, they won’t live with her for long because she will not be able to handle the skirmishes that occur over lip gloss and earrings and the daily struggle for them not to breathe each other’s air.

I was in a funk about all this bad news from home yesterday afternoon and when he got home from work we talked about it all and he helped me to see how useless and crazy all the worrying really was. I know her and I know her patterns, this new interest in motherhood is a flash in the pan and will never last. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that the separation from her boyfriend doesn’t last over 2 months. (so place your bets now)

The bombing in the tubes and of the bus in London yesterday made me very sad for the state of our world and for all the people who were affected. It’s terrible that we live in a world where people cannot be safe going to and from work, it’s sad that there are people out there who live for the mission to destroy others. Everybody has a theory, I’ve been watching them all talk about them on the news channels. My personal theory is that the attacks were planned after the announcement of the London as the chosen place for the Olympic games so that the terrorist could basically say “look, we can get to you anytime, anywhere we want to”. Terrorism is meant to create fear and terror, hence the name terrorism. The psychological message sent is supposed to be more damaging than the physical, which becomes collateral damage. I’m sure terrorist experts would disagree with my simplistic views, afterall, I’m just the girl next door, but it seems to me that they want to show us all that none of us are ever safe. The problem is that they underestimate the feelings that people have of patriotism and the resolve not to give in to the fear that terrorism is supposed to create. Oh well, it’s only my two cents worth.

I’m off to the pool soon, for my last day of sunshine to work on my tan before I return home. Oh the sun will shine tomorrow I’m sure, but tomorrow my sweet boyfriend will not be working and all my time will be reserved for him. I want to spend all my last minutes with him, doing all those things that will keep me whole until I get to see him again.

Enjoy the day!

vacation time

i feel so good and well rested this morning and i'm smiling and happy :)

i got a good 7 1/2 hours sleep last night without a sleeping pill. good, honest sleep that came from being tired and relaxed. i think it's the absence of sex in my life at home that creates the need for sleeping pills, because here with my wonderful boy, i don't need them.

i cooked for him last night. we looked on the internet for a recipe that called for chicken and rice, something his mother used to make for him that he called "sunday chicken". so we found it and i made it for him, and it was good and he loved it. i was surprised at how good it was myself. it was really tasty. it makes me happy when i can cook for him and it was such a simple thing. it sounds really silly but he was on the phone with his sister while i was cooking and waiting for the chicken to come out of the oven and i heard him tell her when the timer went off "well i need to go my supper is ready, i'm having sunday chicken". i guess i'm a silly girl if little stuff like that makes me happy.

so we got busy playing darts after dinner and he told me to leave the mess, which is no big deal, because i could always get up in the morning and clean up because i'm on vacation. but what a big surprise i found when i got up this morning! he was all dressed and just on his way out the door for work and he had written me a note ... the dishwasher was loaded and running, he had made my coffee for me, he had started laundry and he had even prepped the bathroom for me to take a nice relaxing bath later. awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww !!!!!!!! never, ever have i had a guy go out of his way to be so sweet to me. here he is trying to get ready for work and he is rushing around doing housework so i don't have to do it when i get up because i'm on vacation. how sweet!!!!!!!

so today it's already swampy hot outside and the sun is blazing. i'm sooooo glad. i'm going to go out at 11 when the pool opens and lay out and work on my tan. i have no color on my skin right now so i am hoping i can lay out today and get some color and hopefully get just a little sun tomorrow and friday (even though the days are looking progressively stormy ahead thanks to the tropical storms that are heading inland)

so even though i'm 1200 miles away on vacation the bastard soon to be ex is still trying to play headgames. he sent me a newspaper article that talked about how budget uncertainties for my job would mean that i may not get paid on the 15th. that's a nice bit of pyschological warfare. i don't need to be worried while i'm on vacation that the one source of income for me and the children is going to be disrupted because a bunch of elected officials can't get their act together and vote on a budget. so i called home to talk to the kidlet and my mother tells me that he was over dropping the kid off after swimming and that he made sure to tell her about me possibly not getting paid on the 15th and how that would really mess things up. but mom, being the strong woman that she is, simply looked at him coldly and said, "we will be fine, don't you worry about how her bills will get paid." it's nice to know that mom is on my side. he's pissed her off so much with how he screwed me over on things that she has no tolerance for him anymore, and i'm sure he finds it surprising in his wee, little brain that she isn't on his side.

oh well.

if i think about that too much i will sit here and start thinking about the house and my lists of things to get done before the 1st of august. honestly, i don't want to think about any of that this week. this week i want to pretend that i don't have a care in the world. this week i want it to be just about me and my sweet boyfriend without all the lists i have going on back at home. i don't want to be distracted by worry... it's happened a few times, he will look at me and my thoughts are there, making those lists, thinking, worrying. i don't want to do that. we have little enough time together in the flesh without me bringing a ton of worry over things neither one of us can control while i'm down here. he has helped me with what he can. we went over my phone bill and my cable bill and found ways to consolidate and trim. he showed me some options of things i could do. he wants to help me so much, he wants to do so much for me, and yet he knows so much of this i have to do on my own.

i'm heading to the pool in a while... so i need to have a little breakfast first :)
enjoy the day ... i know i will.